Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Obama First Human to Break Moore's Law

Click on Graph above.
By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

For over forty years, scientists have more or less relied on a prediction made by Gordon Moore, Intel co-founder. The concept, known as Moore's Law, predicted that computers would double in speed about every two years. But, new research shows that it is sure to be broken--by a human being.

In human terms, Moore's Law depends on brain power as measured by IQ, compassion, literacy, and competence, together called "mind", getting consistently more powerful. The law has been hypothetical, but according to new data, President Barack Obama's mind has exceeded a theoretical "mental limit".

According to physicist Max A. Celeration, "Obama's mind will reach the limit of human mind expansion sometime in the year 2016." Obama's mental capabilities will set a barrier for ordinary geniuses, much like the speed of light, an absolute. Physicists will have to measure the President's Ba-rocket, as it's being called, against a 186,000 miles-per-second reference standard. "It doesn't depend on the physiology of the brain or how it's nurtured," Celeration said "This phenomenon is an anomaly to all laws of nature and can change the course of human history."

Dr. Celeration is expected to submit a paper to Science magazine validating the new phenomenon known in mathematical terms as O = BTc2, or Obama = Barack Think-speed of light-squared.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Loretta Young

By Unknown Staff Writer, D Pressing News

The "real news" has been so "depressing" that our senior staff writer has taken temporary leave and immersed himself in his childhood memories. The staff at D Pressing News cannot stop DP Fleming from watching the video below repeatedly while foaming at the mouth, drooling, and mumbling something about Howdy Doody. Apparently, Ms. Young was the writer's first childhood sweetheart. The first woman, besides his mother, with whom he fell in love. He's been able to communicate, with the use of a hand puppet, that he'll be back before the holidays are over, or until he finds a similar tribute to Brigitte Bardot.