Thursday, January 21, 2010

Color Wins in Massachusetts

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

The fundamental color brown has won the Massachusetts special election for the Senate Seat formerly held by the late Ted Kennedy. The famous color, a well-known part of each American child's early education and mastered by most by Kindergarten, gained 52% of the vote, beating Democratic candidate Martha Coakley, a human being.

The win surprised many, as Massachusetts has long been considered a Democratic party stronghold for humans. The color brown was assisted by the number 41 and it´s gradual gains in preliminary polls led President Obama and Bill Clinton to make personal appearances in support of the homo sapien Coakley.

Because the democratic party lost the Massachusetts seat, they lose the super majority in the Senate, threatening the administration´s Healthcare reform plan. In its acceptance speech, the color brown pledged to oppose the plan by uniting other colors in the light spectrum beginning with red, white, and eventually persuading the elusive blue.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Detroit Airline Terrorism Plotter Was Dinner Guest in Bush White House

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Hesaid Hewas A-Girl, one of the four gender uncertain plotters who attempted to blow a Northwest Airlines jet captain over Detroit on Christmas Day, was released from his job selling escalator shoes to Congressmen afraid to step into elevator shoes in November of 2007.

The Bush administration sent Hewas A-girl to be home schooled by Miss Minny Lee Dupree, a licensed person, at her mobile home park in St. Lake City, Utah. A-girl excelled at chewing newspaper for art class and was named "most likely to keep some of his teeth".

U.S. officials and al Qaeda propaganda tapes say that A-girl has since become the senior manager of the annual Toledo Yawning Festival.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Senator Robert Byrd Hanging In There

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Senator Robert Bryd of West Virgina was found strapped in a wheelchair and hanging from a highway billboard outside of Plains Georgia this morning. Byrd wore a sign that read, "Fly me to the moon and I will be forever voting on the health care plan."

Byrd, a U.S. Senator for 50 years, was hanging in front of another sign that read, "Plains, Georgia. Not the Home of Barack Obama."

The Secret Service lowered the 92-year-old senator from a height of thirty feet. He is recovering with a bowl of cream of wheat and warm water at his seat in the northern wing of the Capital. The Senator believed he had been on a flight to Miami.