Friday, November 19, 2010

Democrat Rangel Guilty of Poor Story Pitch

By DP Fleming, Senior Staff Writer

Charles Rangel, one of the House's most powerful members, was found guilty of breaking the 12 commandments for screenwriting his Congressional film, FULL JACKET POCKETS. The 12 Commandments are:

1. The truth, if critical to the story, will always be in the subtext of your principle character's dialogue
2. Each scene will leave unanswered questions and will indicate they will be answered in a following scene
3. Unanswered questions from an earlier scene will never be fully answered, but will leave the audience believing they understand the narrative
4. Neither the antagonist or protagonist will reveal where he or she really gets his or her campaign contributions
5. None of the main characters who are Democrats will appear on Fox (MSNBC if they are Republicans)
6. The plot point that ends act one will reverse the fortunes of the party in power and the plot point ending act two will impart an impending dread until the climax
7. All main and secondary characters will kiss ugly babies regardless of who hands them one
8. The protagonist will eat nothing costing more than a bar hamburger, fries and a beer if they are on camera during a campaign in the film
9. Dramatic irony will result from all characters who are politicians acting like they are not a part of Washington even though they were sent there to work
10. No member of the three branches of government will ever claim they are making enough money to be in that top 5% threatened by suspension of the Bush tax cuts
11. Protagonists and Antagonists will each use the phrase, "What the American people want is..." at least once in each act and pretend they really know what they are talking about
12. If any of the main characters comes within at least 2000 miles of Iraq or Afghanistan, they can claim they've been there and know what's going on

The eight lawmakers on the subcommittee reached a unanimous verdict on all counts except # 7. "Rangel refused to kiss Sarah Palin's granddaughter," claimed one subcommittee member.

Rangel requested a delay in order to do a rewrite and pitch the story again, because he did not have his story line finished.

Rangel whined and complained about changes in dialogue that he thought weakened character arcs. He said he hopes the full Committee takes into account the power of his screenplay's inciting incident 3 pages in.

Rangel walked out of the trial when his denouement was rejected saying he would seek final cut and a distribution deal.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Meat Party Candidate Singer Pat Boon Launches Mail Order Meat-Like Food Business

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Staff Writer

If you like steak but wish it were cheap and conservative, then Meat Partier and 1950s singer Pat Boon has a line of mail order meat food byproducts for you.

Boon, who launched the Beverly Hills Meat Party in November 2010, is taking his brand of Christian/Capitalist/Music Business/Acting/Tele-NeoConservatism to pretty much predictable places.

The D Pressing News reports that Boon partnered with Texas tycoon, B.J. "Billy Bob" Brahmabull-Ranchetto to launch "Pat Boon All-American Meat Food Byproducts," with the motto "if you pray, this almost tastes like meat!"

The site offers 25% all-American meat food byproducts of Filet McLigament, Ribeyeganglia Steakoids, New Jersey Stripper Pole Organ Residue, Topless Girloin, and T-T Boner and Whorehouse Butt. Prices range from $399 for three 8 oz. Topless Girloins to $899 for two 6 oz. Filet McLigaments, $799 for two 18 oz. T-T Boners, and more.

According to the site, 95% of the proceeds will go to Christian/Capitalist/Music Business/Acting/TeleNeoConservatist organizations that "do the right things needed in today's liberal, pagan, homoerotic, bestiality-infected, and just damned society."

The remaining royalties will go to Exquisitely Corpsed, a group that Boon started with the dead parents of child television actors" and "expects to appeal to nobody except women over 90."

You also have the option of joining the site's "Pat Boon All-American Potted Meat Food Spam and See Food Brigade" community, because "if you love a great-tasting tendon, lipid, and cow sphincter hot from the can, you're not alone. You're part of an extended community of mashed and chunked meat food byproduct lovers."

"I've been known as the Vanilla Man Milking Mankind for Money and a closeted homosexual for fifty years," Boon said. "Now, I'll probably be known as the Meat Food E. coli Buy Product Mass Milking Homophobe."

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

D Pressing News Archivist Becomes Obsessed with Chi Baggers

Our Archivist continues to clean out the records here at your source for nonsense that makes sense.

HEADLINE: Cross-eyed man goes to 3-D Movie, Peers Into the Sixth Dimension, Sees Soupy Sales

HEADLINE: Filmmaker David Lynch Says "Balck Cfoefe Wtih Ice Ceram and Pie is Paehcy Keen"

HEADLINE: Shiites and Sunnis Put Aside Differences and Win "Best in Show" with New Shiatsunnis Breed of Dog

HEADLINE: New Shiatsunnis Breed of Dog is Stripped of "Best in Show" Medal After Eating Second Place Miniature Chihuahua

HEADLINE: Chiahuahua Resuscitated on Reality Show Found Without Papers, Extradited to Mexico

HEADLINE: Taco Bell Fined for Rehiring Illegal Chiahuahua

HEADLINE: Chiahuahua Chokes to Death on Crispy Taco Shell, Mexican Government Suing Taco Bell for $1,000,000,000 Pesos

HEADLINE: Congress in Gridlock Over Mexican Lawsuit, Obama Administration Accused of Water Boarding Chiahuahua Terrorist

HEADLINE: People for the Ethical Treatment and Alliance of Chiahuahua Organizations
(PETACO) Demand Audience with Nancy Pelosi

HEADLINE: Chi Party Denounce Chiahuahua Death Panels and Announces Canine Candidate

HEADLINE: Glenn Beck Warns: Liberal Fascist Chi Party Communist Rally Funded by National Femi-Nazi Party Contributions Laundered Through Drug Addicted Gay Al-Qaeda Terrorist

HEADLINE: Keith Olberman Interviews Chi Party Candidate Juan Enchirito Who Denies Accepting Treats for Rolling Over for Republicans and Democrats

HEADLINE: Is Taco Bell Funding Chi Party Candidate Juan Enchirito?

HEADLINE: Hungry Chiahuahua-Obsessed Writer Leaves for D Pressing News Cafeteria to Eat Macho Chili Cheese and Bean Burrito, Then Open Window
HEADLINE: Cross-eyed man goes to 3-D Movie, Peers Into the Sixth Dimension, Sees Soupy Sales

HEADLINE: Filmmaker David Lynch Says "Balck Cfoefe Wtih Ice Ceram and Pie is Paehcy Keen"

HEADLINE: Shiites and Sunnis Put Aside Differences and Win "Best in Show" with New Shiatsunnis Breed of Dog

Sunday, November 7, 2010

From the Vaults of the D Pressing Archives

By DP Fleming, Senior Staff Reporter

In an effort to make room for more ideas, the staff at the D Pressing News has decided it's time to sweep out the archives. Below are news headlines that, for one reason or another, were never expanded into articles for our astute audiences. These stories were never checked out, so their veracity remains in question.

Readers seeking elaboration on any of the headlines may write in. Manpower shortages notwithstanding, our esteemed staff will make every possible effort to follow up on the stories.

HEADLINE: Hairy New York City Man Combs Himself to Death

HEADLINE: Ohio Man Soils Himself, Waters Himself, Grows Cauliflower Ears

HEADLINE: Zen Buddhist Admits There are no Rest Rooms in Nirvana

HEADLINE: 109 yr-old Woman Shocked to Discover that Yellow is a Word for a Color

HEADLINE: Woman with Ten Toes Invents Metric System

HEADLINE: Scientists Discover Big Foot, Sock, No Shoe

HEADLINE: With $5,000,000 Grant, Princeton Professor at Secret Underground Government Research Center Creates Round Football that Fits Through Basketball Hoop

HEADLINE: Sesame Street's Big Bird Decapitated While Parking Convertible In Carport With Low Ceiling

HEADLINE: Trailer Park in Kansas Splattered with Mashed Potatoes After Tornado Hits Dairy Farm Near Potato Field

HEADLINE: Woman with Foot in Mouth Marries Man with Tongue in Cheek and Gives Birth to Child with Sucks-its-Own-Toes Disease

HEADLINE: Republicans Join Democrats for Independent Tea Party at White House

HEADLINE: Fraternal Twins in Third World Country Adopt Angelina Joli

HEADLINE: Republican Husband and Democrat Wife Dehydrate While Making Love, Found Gridlocked in Bed

HEADLINE: Son of Dehydrated Parents Runs as Independent for Mayor of Hometown

HEADLINE: Sophomore at University of Cincinnati Invents Cold Sun

HEADLINE: University of Cincinnati Student Freezes to Death in Gymnasium Steam Room

HEADLINE: Boat Made of Diapers Sinks in Lake Michigan

HEADLINE: Cloistered Nun Makes Cross Out of Human Hair of Unknown Origin

HEADLINE: West Coast Surfer Eats Sponge, Swallows Kindle, Books Room Through Priceline Negotiator

HEADLINE: Babysitter Leaves Cheerios in Toaster and Sets Off Fire Alarm

HEADLINE: Nervous Burger Chef Finds Shoe in Happy Meal, Chokes on Sock

HEADLINE: Dyslexic Hotel Manager Flushes Lobby Toilet, Closes Lid, Sits, and Makes Mess, Then Refuses to Clean it Up

HEADLINE: Private Eye in California Closes Eyelid for More Privacy

HEADLINE: St. Louis Writer Publishes "NNoijd aoahj*&^akjhndf", in Language Only He Understands

HEADLINE: Brad Pitt to Play Ytnn*&-kL in Screen Adaptation of
"NNoijd aoahj*&&^akjhndf"

HEADLINE: Woman With Two Legs Enters Two-Legged Race, Wins by a Foot

HEADLINE: Dog Prevents Man From Committing Suicide, Man Shoots Dog

HEADLINE: Owner of Dead Dog Bites Suicidal Man in Leg

HEADLINE: Martin Scorsese's Eyebrow Metamorphoses Into Black Butterfly

HEADLINE: 102 yr.-old Man Realizes Word Poo Short for Poop

HEADLINE: Robbin Williams Takes Nap

HEADLINE: Bored Man in St. Louis Writes Bizarre Headlines for Newspaper that Exists Only in Head

HEADLINE: East Coast Man Unsuccessful Hunting Whales with Lawn Rake

HEADLINE: N-word calls N-word N-word

HEADLINE: Asian Woman Hungry After Watching Marlon Brando Crawl Across the Edge of a Straight Razor

HEADLINE: Asian Man Shaves with Straight Razor, Kills Marlon Brando

HEADLINE: Man With Two Arms High Fives Himself to Death

HEADLINE: Apocalypse Yesterday at 1:32 p.m. EST

HEADLINE: After removing a foot from a patient with two left feet, surgeons at Barnes Hospital realized they had attached a right foot not on the man's right leg, but on the patient's left leg. The error had gone unnoticed until the patient split himself apart when he attempted to run out of the hospital.

HEADLINE: St. Louis police investigating a hospital where an operation left a patient with a right foot on his left leg and a left foot on a right leg, discovered the surgeon who had botched the operation has five thumbs and three index fingers.

17 Police Inspectors Assigned to Guard Obama´s Shoes Shoot Each Other Over ObamaCare

By DP Fleming, Senior Staff Reporter

The first day of the Obama family outrageously expensive, extravagant, Mumbai-India tour was marred briefly when, for no reason other than to be hospitalized under ObamaCare, 17 policeman, costing American middle-class taxpayers $4,000,000,000 a day, "accidentally" shot each other outside the Taj Hotel.

Fortunately, the First African American Family was attending a private dinner of baby seal steak with salad and green soup made of newly minted $1,000 bills before spending Saturday night in the Taj's private Olympic-size swimming pool overflowing with gold coins.

Assistant Police Inspector Shooda Aimedbetter was rushed to nearby St. George Hospital after gnawing off his bleeding foot and tossing it to an untouchable floating in the Gangrene River. "Of course, he ate it. But, I thought he was dead," Shooda said.

The Obamas are in India November 6th, 2010 to sometime late January, 2013.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Mumbai: US taxpayers spend whopping $800 billion per hour on President Obama's Mumbai visit

By D P Fleming, Senior Reporter

"U.S. President Barack Obama (seen in photo signing a check) will spend $800 billion on security, movies, steak, lobster, sushi, alcohol, snacks, toothpaste, and hookers," says Glenn or Glenda Beck, a top official of the Maharashtra Government who flew to Washington and is privy to the arrangements.

About 300,000 people including Secret Service agents, US government officials, journalists, the entire Children's Television Network, Disneyland, Sylvester Stallone, and James Woods will accompany the President. Several officials from the White House security agency have been in Mumbai for a week with helicopters, ships, high-end security instruments, chewing gum, submarines, aircraft carriers, the U.S. Marine Corps air wing, and a specialist in diverticulitis.

"US officials may not be allowed to carry weapons with the exception of deodorant. Although incompetent in security measures, the Mumbai state police will be piloting the Presidential convoy," said Rush Limplog on condition of anonymity.

Navy and Air Force will intensify patrolling along the Mumbai coastline and its airspace in search of corn dog vendors said to accompany Obama. As a sign of arrogance, the city's airspace will be fogged with burning oil before the President's arrival.

The area from Hotel Taj, where Obama and his wife Michelle will try the country's newest flying carpets, to a Shikra helipad in Colaba will be cordoned off and covered with swan feathers so the U.S. President can feather role naked during his afternoon meditation, a habit for which he is renowned everywhere except in America.