Friday, October 30, 2009

Scientists Find Internet On and Off Switch

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

In an exclusive interview, Dr. Fook You and Dr. Chow Poon of Biobuy, bye,, Inc. in a Silicone plant Valley told the D Pressing News this morning they have found the Internet's on-off switch. The switch had been spliced into an extension chord that ran from an old, black and white GE television set, then to a Texas Instrument calculator wired into a phone line. “It’s labeled the information super highway,” said Dr. Poon, before slipping on dozens of wooden sticks scattered about the floor at the base of his workbench.

Like many scientific discoveries, the incredible archaeological find happened by accident. The scientists had been working under a 12-million-dollar government grant to create a new, solid, nicotine free, smokeless, tobacco free, cigarette oid.

The new ingenious hybrid cigarette known as, "a Stick", comes with a removable colored filter and its own snap on non-ash ashtray.

The scientists are hiding the Internet on-off switch and threaten to use the valuable fossil when they get fed up with You tube, Facebook, D Pressing News, and “…the rest of the bullshit the Internet has spun off in the last decade”.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Owners of Flying Saucers Think Obama Will Ban Sales

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

According to a recent Gallup poll, fifty-six percent of flying saucer owners believe President Obama "will ban the sale of flying saucers in the United States while he is president." The poll's finding may explain reports of increased sales of flying saucers and six-year-old pilots.

New reports suggest that aluminum manufacturers simply cannot keep up with demand, while noting that the president has made no proposal to ban sales of flying saucers or an earlier prototype known as the Jiffy Pop.

Obama's only action to date has been to relax with his family and watch the new Blu-ray version of his favorite movie, "Men in Black".

In September, Obama signed a bill allowing flying saucers to be flown over national parks and deserts. However, the Gallup poll shows that most flying saucer owners believe the President wants to ban their aircraft sales.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Goldman Sucks Announces "Surprise" Profits and New Bonuses

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

U.S. bank, Goldman Sucks surprised the House and Senate by posting third-quarter profits more than triple those in the same period last year.

G.S.A. received billions of dollars in government aid, and made a three-month profit of what they refer to as, a measly $3.03 billion. "That's chicken feed," said Mr. Goldman.

G.S.A. is pleased to announce they are setting aside $5.35 billion for embarrassingly small bonuses for their senior officers. In an official statement, Mr. Goldman complained that "...the little people are upset that companies are handing out bonuses during such a delicate economical period. I don't get it. They act like we owe them something!"

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Conservatives Remove Jesus From Bible

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

People at Conserva-pedia, a conservative Wikipedia-like website, are stripping the Christian Bible of its liberal bias by removing all evidence of Jesus the Christ and rewriting it from a neo-conservative or "right-thinking" perspective.

For example, Conserva-pedia feels that the famous passage, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do," uttered as Jesus was supposedly being crucified, is a passage beloved by liberals that has no place in a proper conservative Bible. According to Conserva-pedia the passage is rightfully attributed to Mark Johnson, CEO of Rolling Rock Funeral services during a deep recession in Jerusalem in 30 A.D. The corrected quote will read, "The Democratic health-care plan incorporates death panels. These murder squads, designed to kill grandma, are aimed at preserving Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama's Socialist agenda for world domination, in order to discriminate against white people and housewives."

The Conservative version of the Bible will also omit Jesus' mother, Mary, for a family unfriendly pregnancy. Jesus' earthly stepfather, Joseph, will be deleted for fornication out of wedlock.

"A man named Jesus claiming to be the "Messiah" was, in fact, a Socialist," said a representative of Conserva-pedia. The organization claims the real Messiah is an ancestor of an as-yet-to-be-revealed talk radio and TV commentator.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Nation's Father: Birth Certificate Fake

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Yesterday, Mr. Paper Machete, an expert in document forensics, filed a report that President George Washington's birth certificate known as a "Certificate That Verifies That This Man Was Born to be King of America" is fake. The document has been claimed to be authentic for over 200 years. Machete concluded that the nation's first president's certificate "has a photo".

The report was published in the Manangahela Wingnut, a magazine with idiotic cartoons that interfere with the text which is published in hieroglyphics.

The purported birth certificate was discovered by a Senator Mitch McConnell during a search for his ethics. The senator has been without ethical standards for years and in desperation began rooting behind White House bookshelves.

Since President Washington could not prove he was a natural born US citizen, he would not be eligible to be president.

McConnell called for a special prosecutor and session of Congress to address how the United States of America could be started over. The first witness to be called will be President Washington.