Saturday, March 28, 2009

People of Color Caused Financial Crisis

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

A man wearing a baboon's anus tattooed to his face claims that chartreuse people with stereo hearing caused the world’s economic crisis. Dressed as a memory stick, Itsucksto B. Mee stood in front of an Ultimate Electronics store in Ballwin yesterday screaming at passing cars and shoppers.

"This crisis was caused by chartreuse people with 7.1 Dolby Surround hearing, who thought they didn't know nothing about everything and less about anything and now show they don't know nothing," Itsucksto said expressing his outrage during a high level financial meeting with a group of plastic bags and a shopping cart.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Old Mr. Booze Calls for the Halt of BOOBWROTPM

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Old Bitter Booze, R-LA, introduced an amendment to H.R. 1586, the bill that would impose a 0.9% tax on any corporate executive bonus that exceeds $50 million.

The amendment calls for a halt of the BOOBWROTPM program (bunch of old bung weasels ripping off the public's money) which has handed out $780 billion in taxpayer funds to incompetent institutions that beg. Booze made the announcement at a recent meeting in a Louisiana tap room where he was hallucinating that he was preaching to the founding fathers.

Old Mr. Booze stated that if the Obama administration would bring forth a clear, fiscally responsible, fair, bipartisan plan, Republicans would be embarrassed again and say no. For now, the BOOBWROTPM plan should be ended, claimed Booze who also acknowledged Congress' wishes to continue President George W. Bush's precedent of throwing away taxpayer money.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Regular Guy responsible for AIG executive bonuses

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Reg Ularguy, a senate chambers janitor, said that he was responsible for language that remained in the federal stimulus bill that honored previously existing contracts giving lucrative bonuses to executives of failing companies.

Initially, Ularguy confessed that his vacuum cleaner clogged while sucking up the post-it notes, burger wrappers, and discarded bipartisan bills he regularly finds ground into the chamber carpet. Reg ripped the document from the vacuum brushes and after reading it, felt the country would be better served if the bonuses were connected directly to the success of the company. He altered the document to reflect his opinion and placed it in the IN box for the senate's next business day.

"They laughed at it for almost an hour," said Ularguy. "I told my wife and neighbors about my ideas and every one of them said it made sense," said the janitor.

Ularguy told D Pressing News that in light of the present financial turmoil, the "grandfather clause" seemed like the "brown stuff from the south end of a northbound bull".

"When I was a kid, if we didn't have money, my Christmas presents were food and a warm house," Ularguy said.

Lawmakers are currently working on a way to seize Reg Ularguy and install him as AIG's CEO, provided enough bailout money exists to meet his salary demand of $35,000 annually and a possible $1,000 bonus when he brings the company into profitability.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

US-China, Bad Fortune Cookie

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Ever since Chinese patrol boats harassed a US surveillance ship south of Hainan Island, the United States has ceased importing lead tainted toys, rice, and eventually teensie weensie umbrellas served with Mai Tai cocktails in Tiki mugs.

"A final decision on the umbrellas is expected sometime this week," a US official said. "We might ban all of them. The teensie weensies, the itty bitties, and the little bitty ones."

A day after halting the cheap imports, the USS CHUNG KING destroyer accompanied another Chinese-built US naval vessel the ONEFROMCOLUMN-A, a ship armed with 100,000 tons of MSG and designed to track Asian fishing boats and force feed their occupants Moo Goo Gaipan until they hyperventilate, break out in a rash, or experience atrial fibrillation.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Ex-president is uh salted

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

George W. Bush suffered skin rashes to his face, arms, and chest after falling into a pretzel salting machine at the Big Pretzel restaurant in Abilene, TX. The former president was busy pulling apart and engorging his third order of the Big P, a twenty pound man-sized dough wrap, when the mishap occurred.

"He leaned way too far over the counter to look into the dough bin and he coughed in it," said restaurant manager Sal Tine. "When I hollered at him, he slipped and fell into the saltolator."

Mr. Bush has been recuperating, wearing a special pretzel mishap mask designed especially for him. He uses the mask while lying in a hammock, sunning in his back yard, and binge drinking boiler makers.

Friday, March 6, 2009

St. Louis Makes List of Goofiest Cities

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

A recent study by Spudling, Gomer, Goober, and Booger, Ink has ranked the city of St. Louis, MO as the 69th goofiest city in America. Burbank, CA came in at #2 with Hooterville, MI at #3, the town of Dick, FL #6, Fumbucker, LA at #9, Dingleberrie, OH at #12, Bung, CO at #18, and Goon, PA at #22.

The 100 cities which comprise the list were ranked based on the criteria: how often residents look at their shoes when walking, how popular is the wearing of chains for belts, and how many people are driving around with turn lights perpetually on (except when turning) or staying at traffic lights long after they turn green. Number of teeth per capita was a determining factor as well.

The study was commissioned by a bored man in Texas with a large sum of inherited oil revenue and no idea what to do with it. The last city on the list was Bumbf*ck Egypt, Arizona where the local sport of jumping naked in the town square on large cactus plants grown for the occasion is considered idiotic but necessary.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Impeached Governor's Hair Gets Six-Figure Deal

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Former Illinois Governor Bod Bragojevich's hair, known to the media as "Brago" was tar and feathered after being removed from the former governor's head and arrested on federal charges of violating Title 21 of the Code of Federal Regulations: hair thickness statute. The clump of hair also claims it tried selling President Barack Obama's former US Senate seat to the President's children.

Bragojevich's hair landed a six-figure deal (that includes the decimal point) to write a book talking about its head and its opinion of its head while writing about itself and being paid over $1,000.00. The terms of the deal lay out the hair's right to include the governor's hand and footprints from his hospital birth records and original crayon drawings he made in elementary school.

Brago's hair hopes the book will help erase its owner's public image and replace it with the personality of a bubonic ferret.