Thursday, March 19, 2009

Regular Guy responsible for AIG executive bonuses

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Reg Ularguy, a senate chambers janitor, said that he was responsible for language that remained in the federal stimulus bill that honored previously existing contracts giving lucrative bonuses to executives of failing companies.

Initially, Ularguy confessed that his vacuum cleaner clogged while sucking up the post-it notes, burger wrappers, and discarded bipartisan bills he regularly finds ground into the chamber carpet. Reg ripped the document from the vacuum brushes and after reading it, felt the country would be better served if the bonuses were connected directly to the success of the company. He altered the document to reflect his opinion and placed it in the IN box for the senate's next business day.

"They laughed at it for almost an hour," said Ularguy. "I told my wife and neighbors about my ideas and every one of them said it made sense," said the janitor.

Ularguy told D Pressing News that in light of the present financial turmoil, the "grandfather clause" seemed like the "brown stuff from the south end of a northbound bull".

"When I was a kid, if we didn't have money, my Christmas presents were food and a warm house," Ularguy said.

Lawmakers are currently working on a way to seize Reg Ularguy and install him as AIG's CEO, provided enough bailout money exists to meet his salary demand of $35,000 annually and a possible $1,000 bonus when he brings the company into profitability.

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