Saturday, May 23, 2009

Cardboard Dick Cheney Frightening

By DP Fleming---D Pressing News Senior Reporter

The CIA has been secretly broadcasting a video feed of a cardboard cutout of former Vice President Dick Cheney to northern Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran, and parts of Iraq. In the video, the life-size facsimile of the VP in his daughter's clothing wobbles slightly from a small electric fan behind it.
Embedded American born Iranian reporter Getm E. Outofhere claims to have witnessed the effects of the dummy Chaney on al-Qaeda terrorists. "It strikes fear in hearts of everyone over here. It has really worked and people shake at the sight of him," said Mr. Outofhere.

On his official website,, Cheney noted the clever use of his image and was proud that his feminine side could be put to such good use. He hinted that he might load his 12-gauge shotgun and visit the countries in person to reinforce the message in the nude.

"We are happy that Cheney likes our sign and welcome him to come and visit us too," said CIA director Leon Panetta who spoke from Cheney's closet at a secret underground location.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Britain Announced First Ever Orthodontist

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Britain has proudly unveiled its first orthodontist, 77-year-old Den Ture. Ture graduated from the Queen's Royal Academy of Dentition and Mandible Realignment. Previously, the British government had considered clean and properly aligned teeth to be expensive, unattractive, and unnecessary.

Ture, a former hog and ant farmer from Derby, excelled among his graduating class several of whom failed to complete the rigorous academic schedule. Among those who will repeat the final semester are England's first ever chef, an untidy German, a celibate Frenchman, and two wine-averse Italians who hate pasta.

So far, three British-born dentists have applied to the Academy, but none have been accepted. The first-ever British dentist was P. Ainful a house painter born in Sheffield who extracted teeth at gunpoint with a number two plaster spatula and bailing wire for three and six pence in 1990.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Lush Demands For Dittomankind

By DP Fleming--Senior Reporter for D Pressing News*

Radio hot air balloon, Lush Blimpblog, is calling on the Republican National Committee to appeal to conservative airlines to reserve all first class seats for neoconservatives.

In an earlier proposition, Blimpblog suggested sidewalks and one way streets nationwide be reserved for the political extreme far right, or what he calls "ditto persons".

Robert Gibbs, President Obama's press secretary, was quick to address and mail an empty envelope to Mr. Blimpblog at his radio station at 1270 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY.

*D Pressing News is a wholly absorbed presence of ZenNewz, Corp. a Zen-based awareness of non-egocentric consciousness.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

D Pressing News undergoes non-hostile absorption

ZenNewz Corporation, a Zen-based presence of non-egocentric consciousness, has absorbed the D Pressing News, a clinically verified insane news reporting organization.

Under the alert awareness of ZenNewz, the D Pressing News will periodically report news in a manner determined to induce hallucinations or seizures while permitting it’s readers to unsubscribe, read, avoid, or delete it.

With no relevance to the past, and no anticipation of a future, ZenNewz, Corp. exists in a state of presence with its bare attention directed away from its ego and toward awareness of the now.

Subscriber concerns may be directed to: Letters to the editor, Gregor Dumass. Letters must be limited to 100 words or less. Please send emails by clicking this link Mr. Dumass or if your brower doesn't activate the link, send to

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Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Obama/बिडेन Hell Survivers

Hell has been located. It's a restaurant called The Inferno in Arlington, Virgina. In an effort to reach suffering Americans and mankind, President Obama, accompanied by VP Biden canceled lunch in the Oval Office and passed through the fiery gates of Hades to stand in line with sinners waiting for the opportunity to eat the restaurant's infamous penance burgers.

Obama opted for a well-done heat-of-the-sun burger and a cup of scalding satanic sulfur. Mr. Biden had a napalm shake with a side of his own side...fried. Obama offered the imbeded Fox news media a free lunch. "My treat to the damned. Who wants a flame?" he asked.

Obama insisted on paying. "We're paying, or these people are gonna write that we came here, were cool, and didn't suffer," he said, referring to members of the press melting in pools of boiling oil. The president left a five dollar tip that turned to ash and departed. He walked out of Hell, but not before a brief meeting with Lucifer during which Obama promised to send Secretary of State Hilary Clinton for serious discussions over the rights of souls held in violation of universal law.