Hell has been located. It's a restaurant called The Inferno in Arlington, Virgina. In an effort to reach suffering Americans and mankind, President Obama, accompanied by VP Biden canceled lunch in the Oval Office and passed through the fiery gates of Hades to stand in line with sinners waiting for the opportunity to eat the restaurant's infamous penance burgers.
Obama opted for a well-done heat-of-the-sun burger and a cup of scalding satanic sulfur. Mr. Biden had a napalm shake with a side of his own side...fried. Obama offered the imbeded Fox news media a free lunch. "My treat to the damned. Who wants a flame?" he asked.
Obama insisted on paying. "We're paying, or these people are gonna write that we came here, were cool, and didn't suffer," he said, referring to members of the press melting in pools of boiling oil. The president left a five dollar tip that turned to ash and departed. He walked out of Hell, but not before a brief meeting with Lucifer during which Obama promised to send Secretary of State Hilary Clinton for serious discussions over the rights of souls held in violation of universal law.