Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Obama First Human to Break Moore's Law

Click on Graph above.
By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

For over forty years, scientists have more or less relied on a prediction made by Gordon Moore, Intel co-founder. The concept, known as Moore's Law, predicted that computers would double in speed about every two years. But, new research shows that it is sure to be broken--by a human being.

In human terms, Moore's Law depends on brain power as measured by IQ, compassion, literacy, and competence, together called "mind", getting consistently more powerful. The law has been hypothetical, but according to new data, President Barack Obama's mind has exceeded a theoretical "mental limit".

According to physicist Max A. Celeration, "Obama's mind will reach the limit of human mind expansion sometime in the year 2016." Obama's mental capabilities will set a barrier for ordinary geniuses, much like the speed of light, an absolute. Physicists will have to measure the President's Ba-rocket, as it's being called, against a 186,000 miles-per-second reference standard. "It doesn't depend on the physiology of the brain or how it's nurtured," Celeration said "This phenomenon is an anomaly to all laws of nature and can change the course of human history."

Dr. Celeration is expected to submit a paper to Science magazine validating the new phenomenon known in mathematical terms as O = BTc2, or Obama = Barack Think-speed of light-squared.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Loretta Young

By Unknown Staff Writer, D Pressing News

The "real news" has been so "depressing" that our senior staff writer has taken temporary leave and immersed himself in his childhood memories. The staff at D Pressing News cannot stop DP Fleming from watching the video below repeatedly while foaming at the mouth, drooling, and mumbling something about Howdy Doody. Apparently, Ms. Young was the writer's first childhood sweetheart. The first woman, besides his mother, with whom he fell in love. He's been able to communicate, with the use of a hand puppet, that he'll be back before the holidays are over, or until he finds a similar tribute to Brigitte Bardot.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Wacky Wavey Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man

Direct from Al Harrington's Emporium and Warehouse in Wikipaw comes Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man. Press the button under the black video screen to the most incredible piece of video mastery this year. WWIAFTM is a tribute to Family Guy.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Scientists Find Internet On and Off Switch

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

In an exclusive interview, Dr. Fook You and Dr. Chow Poon of Biobuy, bye,, Inc. in a Silicone plant Valley told the D Pressing News this morning they have found the Internet's on-off switch. The switch had been spliced into an extension chord that ran from an old, black and white GE television set, then to a Texas Instrument calculator wired into a phone line. “It’s labeled the information super highway,” said Dr. Poon, before slipping on dozens of wooden sticks scattered about the floor at the base of his workbench.

Like many scientific discoveries, the incredible archaeological find happened by accident. The scientists had been working under a 12-million-dollar government grant to create a new, solid, nicotine free, smokeless, tobacco free, cigarette oid.

The new ingenious hybrid cigarette known as, "a Stick", comes with a removable colored filter and its own snap on non-ash ashtray.

The scientists are hiding the Internet on-off switch and threaten to use the valuable fossil when they get fed up with You tube, Facebook, D Pressing News, and “…the rest of the bullshit the Internet has spun off in the last decade”.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Owners of Flying Saucers Think Obama Will Ban Sales

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

According to a recent Gallup poll, fifty-six percent of flying saucer owners believe President Obama "will ban the sale of flying saucers in the United States while he is president." The poll's finding may explain reports of increased sales of flying saucers and six-year-old pilots.

New reports suggest that aluminum manufacturers simply cannot keep up with demand, while noting that the president has made no proposal to ban sales of flying saucers or an earlier prototype known as the Jiffy Pop.

Obama's only action to date has been to relax with his family and watch the new Blu-ray version of his favorite movie, "Men in Black".

In September, Obama signed a bill allowing flying saucers to be flown over national parks and deserts. However, the Gallup poll shows that most flying saucer owners believe the President wants to ban their aircraft sales.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Goldman Sucks Announces "Surprise" Profits and New Bonuses

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

U.S. bank, Goldman Sucks surprised the House and Senate by posting third-quarter profits more than triple those in the same period last year.

G.S.A. received billions of dollars in government aid, and made a three-month profit of what they refer to as, a measly $3.03 billion. "That's chicken feed," said Mr. Goldman.

G.S.A. is pleased to announce they are setting aside $5.35 billion for embarrassingly small bonuses for their senior officers. In an official statement, Mr. Goldman complained that "...the little people are upset that companies are handing out bonuses during such a delicate economical period. I don't get it. They act like we owe them something!"

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Conservatives Remove Jesus From Bible

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

People at Conserva-pedia, a conservative Wikipedia-like website, are stripping the Christian Bible of its liberal bias by removing all evidence of Jesus the Christ and rewriting it from a neo-conservative or "right-thinking" perspective.

For example, Conserva-pedia feels that the famous passage, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do," uttered as Jesus was supposedly being crucified, is a passage beloved by liberals that has no place in a proper conservative Bible. According to Conserva-pedia the passage is rightfully attributed to Mark Johnson, CEO of Rolling Rock Funeral services during a deep recession in Jerusalem in 30 A.D. The corrected quote will read, "The Democratic health-care plan incorporates death panels. These murder squads, designed to kill grandma, are aimed at preserving Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama's Socialist agenda for world domination, in order to discriminate against white people and housewives."

The Conservative version of the Bible will also omit Jesus' mother, Mary, for a family unfriendly pregnancy. Jesus' earthly stepfather, Joseph, will be deleted for fornication out of wedlock.

"A man named Jesus claiming to be the "Messiah" was, in fact, a Socialist," said a representative of Conserva-pedia. The organization claims the real Messiah is an ancestor of an as-yet-to-be-revealed talk radio and TV commentator.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Nation's Father: Birth Certificate Fake

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Yesterday, Mr. Paper Machete, an expert in document forensics, filed a report that President George Washington's birth certificate known as a "Certificate That Verifies That This Man Was Born to be King of America" is fake. The document has been claimed to be authentic for over 200 years. Machete concluded that the nation's first president's certificate "has a photo".

The report was published in the Manangahela Wingnut, a magazine with idiotic cartoons that interfere with the text which is published in hieroglyphics.

The purported birth certificate was discovered by a Senator Mitch McConnell during a search for his ethics. The senator has been without ethical standards for years and in desperation began rooting behind White House bookshelves.

Since President Washington could not prove he was a natural born US citizen, he would not be eligible to be president.

McConnell called for a special prosecutor and session of Congress to address how the United States of America could be started over. The first witness to be called will be President Washington.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Neo Conservatives Flunk Obama's Address to School Kids

PHOTO: Unidentified Mind Melder with President. Notice weapons disguised as books on shelves

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

President Obama's coming address to school children has been interpreted by most intelligent earthlings as follows: the president will ask children to stay in school and study and he will encourage them that anything they want to attain in life is possible.

However, validating the twenty-year trend that the political right is becoming primarily white, racist, paranoid and stupid, many who are educators, politicians, and parents have viewed an advance draft of the presidents address to grade schoolers and are interpreting it as follows:

Previous presidents have spoken to school children teaching them important things like urging them to keeps their seats in class and on buses, refrain from blaming each other for farting, and stop flicking boogers at Tara Ecklecamp.

President Obama, America's first racial president, intends to ask school children to stockpile plenty of ammo for their AK-47 assault weapons.

The White House has stated that the president intends to create an army of elementary school children to carry out his plan to storm neighborhoods across the country and destroy privately owned swing sets and jungle gyms. The master plan for this strategy is known to insiders as Obama's Brilliant Exceptional Youth Model Emotional Optimization Re-education Indoctrination Engineering, aka OBEYMEORDIE.

The program will force unsuspecting children into state run Gitmo-like "right-education play areas" where they will wear black hoods and be forced to undergo rubber band snaps to their hind ends, be threatened by pull-string talking Barneys, and acquire boo boos from splinters when sliding down wooden water slides.

Monday, August 31, 2009

GOP Suggests Democratic Party's Health Care Bill Could Deny Health Care to Republicans

Source: news.yahoo.com
by Ben Reilly

The Republican National Committee has mailed a fund raising appeal signed by RNC Chairman Michael Steele in which it is suggested that under the Democratic health care reform bill, Republicans could be discriminated against for medical treatment.

A questionnaire in the mailing says the government could check voter registration cards, "prompting fears that GOP voters might be discriminated against for medical treatment in a Democrat-imposed health care rationing system."

The questionnaire then asks, "Does this possibility concern you?" An RNC spokeswoman said that the question was "inartfully worded" but said that "the RNC doesn't try to scare people. We're just trying to get the facts out on health care."

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Obama's Approval Increases as Support for 'Public Executions' Grows

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

According to the latest pole taken by D Pressing News, support for the death panel component of President Obama's health care reform proposal has increased to a whopping 82%.

However, that is provided those coming before the panels consist of individuals caught on camera yelling and screaming at recent local town hall meetings.

Elderly senior citizens, also known as, Grandpaws and Grandmaws will be the first executed.

As a cost-saving measure, weapons confiscated from individuals attending town hall meetings will be used to mow down Grandpaw and Grandma in middle school yards across the nation.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Sarah Palin Gets 20 Cows, 40 Goats, Dogsled

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

President Obama's aids are under control. They and fellow Democrats say that protests at town hall meetings are orchestrated by groups riding cows and goats provided by the health insurance industry's pro condom republican advocacy group (CRAP), the Republican Party's Milking the Middle Class, and a coalition of right-wing talk show hosts called whimper formed to improve their program ratings.

Obama said that the rumors include such bizarre ideas as one "that will promote euthanasia when in fact the program, Youth and Asia, is designed to improve math at the middle school level. Other rumors include a cut in Medicaid, which is actually designed to provide free medical Bandaids for the poor.

The biggest rumor yet, say Obama aids, is a government takeover of health care. This program to find healthy individuals to care about the government is nothing new and has been brought before Congress in various bills--beginning with Gov 101: Care About Uncle Sam?--since WWII.

In related news from our WGAF files, Sarah Palin's lawyer said she will be divorcing her husband Todd.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Sculpture of Dot in Circle Spurs Controversy

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Teachers at a school for the blind in Shadetree Florida have voiced their ire after a sculpture of nude rodents made from the discarded sleeves of Michelle Obama's dresses was placed in Britney Spears' backyard next to her three-foot bong.

The sculpture is in view of a drug rehab facility for nuns and is deemed inappropriate for the stoned and drunk residents, confusing a sense of reality already balancing on the precipice of sanity under the influence of the Cartoon Network's Those Silly Saints.

The sculpture is called Journey to the Center of the Two Dimensional Representation of the Outline of an Object in Which the End of the Radius Rests on the Opposite Point From the Circumference. Critics refer to the work of art as "the dot in the circle".

The piece is meant to depict the historic 1984 journey of Ethiopian mold spores and Jewish cabbage rats through the Lincoln tunnel to Newark. It was sculpted by Itvil Makesense, who has courted controversy before with his works of two centimeter pink weevil tits.

New Tax on Caleefornia Pot

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Under the tremendous stress of California's financial crisis, governor Arnold Schwarzenegger backslid into his former routine use of marijuana. The Governator asked the legislature Thursday to consider an excise tax on pot in an attempt to see a black-light at the end of the tunnel for beleaguered West Coast city and town budgets.

In an exclusive interview with D Pressing News, the governor of America's largest state budget lay on a large futon in his office, listening to a Grateful Dead CD and described the advantages of his idea.

"I think da whole cuntry shood consida dis idea, man. I'm tired of issuing I.O.U's to every dude ve owe money. I vas pondering da problem this morning and a lyric hit me like a...the singa vas...den Maria brought in some nachos and...I thought it vould be cool...you know...it vould be cool to pump up the state coffers."

With no other relief for the layoffs that have plagued California cities state assemblyman actor Jeff "The Dude" Bridges introduced a bill in Sacramento keep pot legalized. "Why not tax it? It's already was legal, isn't it?" said The Dude.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Secret CIA Program Investigated Dick Cheney's IQ

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

On Friday, The House Intelligence Committee said it would investigate a secret program to determine if Dick Cheney withheld information about his IQ on his job application for vice president. Congress confirmed Cheney's suspected stupidity last month.

Despite a life of comfort and wealth, Cheney's mother lived mostly on rat entrails and snake venom that exposed her little Dick to antidotes during pregnancy.

Researchers found evidence that the vice president's erratic heartbeat and diet of bubonic rat antidote may have hampered his brain in utero.

The study focused on the VP's inability to smile symmetrically and recent changes in his physiology making him appear rodent-like.

Cheney scored forty points lower than President George W. Bush and other imbecilic control vermin in the study. Cheney's Officials claim that he merely obeyed his mother.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Tennessee: Shoot Them Sumbitches

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

The State of Tennessee changed it's gun laws this week. The new law allows gun owners, including those with mental disabilities, to carry their pistols in holsters and rifles slung over their shoulders.

Anyone can now carry a weapon into establishments anywhere and shoot anyone with few exceptions.

State legislators passed the law allowing mentally challenged individuals to openly carry and or fire guns indiscriminately into bars and restaurants. The one exemption, firing on individuals too drunk to stand on their own, will not prevent gun weilding idiots from purchasing alcohol or taking it by force from the horizontal bar flies.

Restaurant and Bar owners no longer have the option of placing a "no guns allowed" sign in their windows.

Some staunch defenders of Second Amendment rights feel that mixing guns and alcohol is a fundamental right of all citizens including idiots, morons, imbeciles, and dunderheads. A last-minute legal challenge is underway by a coalition of Tennessee people who disagree with the new law. The group of three, formerly of thousands, will meet in an undisclosed location next Tuesday.

Tennessee: Shoot Them Sumbitches

By DP Fleming, Senior D Pressing News Reporter

The State of Tennessee changed it's gun laws this week. The new law allows gun owners, including those with mental disabilities, to carry their pistols in holsters and rifles slung over their shoulders. Anyone can now carry a weapon into establishment anywhere and shoot anyone with few exceptions.

State legislators passed the law allowing mentally challenged individuals to openly carry and or fire guns indiscriminately into bars and restaurants. The one exemption, firing on individuals too drunk to stand on their own, will not prevent gun wielding idiots from purchasing alcohol or taking it by force from the horizontal bar flies. Restaurant and Bar owners no longer have the option of placing a "no guns allowed" sign in their windows.

Some staunch defenders of Second Amendment rights feel that mixing guns and alcohol is a fundamental right of all citizens including idiots, morons, imbeciles, and dunderheads. A last-minute legal challenge is underway by a coalition of Tennessee people who disagree with the new law. The group of three, formerly of thousands, will meet in an undisclosed location next Tuesday.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Governor Palin Transfers Ice and Annelids

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Effective July 26, Alaska governor Sarah Palin will convert 151 trillion tons of dry ice into liquid water and transfer it to Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell.

Furthermore, Palin has returned 45 pounds of pulsating blobs of mutated annelids, known locally as worm muscle, to Joe-the-Plunger. Ms. Palin borrowed the gooey creatures and has been using them in her signature hair preparation Sarah's Spiffy Earth Essence.

With his new campaign slogan, "Tubes You Can See Through", Plunger will kick off his 2012 presidential bid with free samples of Sarah's worm gunk, which the governor had previously hidden in the city sewers of Wasilla Alaska.

Palin said in a news conference, "We know Joe's slimy tubificids will thrive, they already do on Fox News."

Palin made what she referred to as a "basketball" analogy saying "Balls, hoops, Alas-ka!" Asked for comment, Mr. Plunger responded, "I knew that."

Friday, June 26, 2009

WTF is that?

Seriously, WTF is that? First in a series of extremely short clinically verified insane antics of D. Patrick Fleming.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Missing Since Thursday, Governor Seen on "Naked Jumping Day"

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Although his children wear clothes on their nude bodies, the Governor of the state of Mind ditched his family Thursday to go bungee jumping on Naked Jumping Day. Many jumpers celebrate the summer solstice by jumping au naturel.

The governor was missing for five days and was found Monday night by his staff running naked along the Appalachian Trail with a pair of high-powered binoculars.

D Pressing News obtained an exclusive interview with native Andrew A. Tickonbutt, 88, an extremely light skinned horse breeder from Hogfat, Pa., who started jumping naked 64 years ago. "There's no way to explain it. It's about gravity and loose skin. It's just kinda funny how things move around."

Jumpers who prefer clothes are angry. Bling Grodon, the eleventh man on the moon, said "I was the eleventh man on the moon."

Law enforcement authorities say they see so many ugly jumpers on Naked Jumping Day that they don't consider them naked.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Nutritionists Cut Washington Methane Gas Emissions

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Congressional nutritionists have been able to reduce the amount of gas emissions representatives and senators produce simply by changing their diet. Political gassy bodily functions contribute to global warming.

The staff at the house and senate snack bars feed members fish containing high levels of Omega 3 fatty acids as well as truth, honesty, and frugal competence. Congress is responsible for 14% of US greenhouse gas production.

Burps from politicians are mostly to blame. Traditionally, congressmen feed each other bullshit and other types of malarkey besides the usual lies and innuendo.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Organization Upset Obama Killed Fly Not Human On National TV

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

The group PSP (People with Skewed Priorities) pronounced pisspa, attacked President Barak Obama for killing an escaped trained circus flea during a recent interview for CNBC.

When the fly interrupted the interview by performing an aerial loop-de-loop while balancing a turban on its head, Obama commanded it to "Get the [expletive deleted] out of here." When the fly disobeyed the commander in chief's direct order, the president cleared a landing strip on his wrist and smashed the flea deader than a republican mosh pit.

PSP sent the president a 12-gauge Dick Cheney Special shotgun and a supply of shells with a card that reads, "Take a tip from the former vice president. Next time shoot the closest human."

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Jews Can Now "Oyveygle"

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Ultra-Orthodox Jewish rabbis have unveiled a new kosher search engine, dubbed "Oyveygle". The popular search engine Google is restricted because users have been caught accessing images of mixed milk and female flesh, which the rabbis consider pornography.

Oyveygle filters sites selling forbidden items. "If you try to buy something on the Sabbath and you are male, the kosher search engine re-sheaths your shmeckle. Women are traif-slapped in the tuchis by some shmendrik, said Abe Cohen, inventor of the search engine.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

bin Laden Uses Puppet to Criticize Obama

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

"President Barack Obama is good looking and intelligent. This angers my close friends and devotees who are ugly, unless a bearded, brown, cauliflower face appeals to you, and kinda dumb considering their eagerness to blow themselves to pieces for "virgins."

This according to a videotape said to be from Osama bin Laden. The tape aired on al Jazeera TV's subsidiary station bin Poopin during Barack's recent visit to the Middle East.

U.S. counter terrorism official Ispy Forthecia believes the tape is authentic, adding, "there is a thing on a shovel, we think it's human, in a dress and wearing a diaper on his head. The voice echos like it's in a cave and the package the tape came in stinks. It's like every other Bin Laden tape." The al Qaeda leader criticized U.S. military actions in Pakistan saying "we will not give up our rocks and our sand, our caves and our bat quano."

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said there is more sand than rock in Pakistan and there is plenty of bat quano. "In the video, bin Laden rides on a shovel of bat quano and manipulates an al-Kermit the Sheik hand puppet to distract attention from Obama's attempts to reach out to the sane Muslim world," said Gibbs.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Stimulus Reduced: 600,000 Jobs Save 600,000 Jobs That Eliminate New 600,000 Jobs and additional 600,000 Jobs

President Obama outlined hundreds of public works projects that will begin this summer, paid for by the $787 billion stimulus bill. The projects will create 600,000 jobs. The new jobs will save 600,000 temporary jobs that will eliminate the original 600,000 jobs as well as 600,000 jobs previously not slated for elimination.

Only a fraction of the stimulus has been spent thus far. The programs will have an anti-stimulus effect on the $787 billion stimulus package resulting in less stimulus money available.

Republicans support the bill, yet complain that it does not reduce the stimulus package enough.

Unemployment is at 9.4 percent, a level not seen since Ronald Reagan became employed in 1980.

Although unemployment rose less than expected last month, the public still does not know what it means.

Obama acknowledged that "we're still in the middle of two extremes. If we move in one direction, we're not in the middle. If one of the extremes moves toward or away from us, again, we're not in the middle. If both ends of the spectrum move the same distance in the same direction, we're in the middle."

Monday, June 8, 2009

Breakthrough Made in Potato Salad

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Scientists at John Hopkins University have discovered that people who regularly eat potato salad develop a genetic neurological disorder that damages their ability to make informed decisions because the food attacks a protein normally found in yeasts but recently discovered in the heads of potato salad eaters.

"It's been a mystery why intelligent beings begin life as children then mentally deteriorate," said neuroscience professor Idaho Peel.

Peel determined that a mutant form of the protein polywannapeptidecracker causes an effect known as thatbanjoplayingkidinthemoviedeliverence syndrome and is found everywhere in human brain cells in clumps that resemble Richard Nixon's head. The anomaly suggests that the human mind may be preventing its own thoughts from reaching logical conclusions.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Cardboard Dick Cheney Frightening

By DP Fleming---D Pressing News Senior Reporter

The CIA has been secretly broadcasting a video feed of a cardboard cutout of former Vice President Dick Cheney to northern Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran, and parts of Iraq. In the video, the life-size facsimile of the VP in his daughter's clothing wobbles slightly from a small electric fan behind it.
Embedded American born Iranian reporter Getm E. Outofhere claims to have witnessed the effects of the dummy Chaney on al-Qaeda terrorists. "It strikes fear in hearts of everyone over here. It has really worked and people shake at the sight of him," said Mr. Outofhere.

On his official website, www.waterboadingforfunandrecreation.com, Cheney noted the clever use of his image and was proud that his feminine side could be put to such good use. He hinted that he might load his 12-gauge shotgun and visit the countries in person to reinforce the message in the nude.

"We are happy that Cheney likes our sign and welcome him to come and visit us too," said CIA director Leon Panetta who spoke from Cheney's closet at a secret underground location.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Britain Announced First Ever Orthodontist

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Britain has proudly unveiled its first orthodontist, 77-year-old Den Ture. Ture graduated from the Queen's Royal Academy of Dentition and Mandible Realignment. Previously, the British government had considered clean and properly aligned teeth to be expensive, unattractive, and unnecessary.

Ture, a former hog and ant farmer from Derby, excelled among his graduating class several of whom failed to complete the rigorous academic schedule. Among those who will repeat the final semester are England's first ever chef, an untidy German, a celibate Frenchman, and two wine-averse Italians who hate pasta.

So far, three British-born dentists have applied to the Academy, but none have been accepted. The first-ever British dentist was P. Ainful a house painter born in Sheffield who extracted teeth at gunpoint with a number two plaster spatula and bailing wire for three and six pence in 1990.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Lush Demands For Dittomankind

By DP Fleming--Senior Reporter for D Pressing News*

Radio hot air balloon, Lush Blimpblog, is calling on the Republican National Committee to appeal to conservative airlines to reserve all first class seats for neoconservatives.

In an earlier proposition, Blimpblog suggested sidewalks and one way streets nationwide be reserved for the political extreme far right, or what he calls "ditto persons".

Robert Gibbs, President Obama's press secretary, was quick to address and mail an empty envelope to Mr. Blimpblog at his radio station at 1270 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY.

*D Pressing News is a wholly absorbed presence of ZenNewz, Corp. a Zen-based awareness of non-egocentric consciousness.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

D Pressing News undergoes non-hostile absorption

ZenNewz Corporation, a Zen-based presence of non-egocentric consciousness, has absorbed the D Pressing News, a clinically verified insane news reporting organization.

Under the alert awareness of ZenNewz, the D Pressing News will periodically report news in a manner determined to induce hallucinations or seizures while permitting it’s readers to unsubscribe, read, avoid, or delete it.

With no relevance to the past, and no anticipation of a future, ZenNewz, Corp. exists in a state of presence with its bare attention directed away from its ego and toward awareness of the now.

Subscriber concerns may be directed to: Letters to the editor, Gregor Dumass. Letters must be limited to 100 words or less. Please send emails by clicking this link Mr. Dumass or if your brower doesn't activate the link, send to theaimofart@charter.net

Under construction and coming soon: the ZenNewz webzite

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Obama/बिडेन Hell Survivers

Hell has been located. It's a restaurant called The Inferno in Arlington, Virgina. In an effort to reach suffering Americans and mankind, President Obama, accompanied by VP Biden canceled lunch in the Oval Office and passed through the fiery gates of Hades to stand in line with sinners waiting for the opportunity to eat the restaurant's infamous penance burgers.

Obama opted for a well-done heat-of-the-sun burger and a cup of scalding satanic sulfur. Mr. Biden had a napalm shake with a side of his own side...fried. Obama offered the imbeded Fox news media a free lunch. "My treat to the damned. Who wants a flame?" he asked.

Obama insisted on paying. "We're paying, or these people are gonna write that we came here, were cool, and didn't suffer," he said, referring to members of the press melting in pools of boiling oil. The president left a five dollar tip that turned to ash and departed. He walked out of Hell, but not before a brief meeting with Lucifer during which Obama promised to send Secretary of State Hilary Clinton for serious discussions over the rights of souls held in violation of universal law.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Republicans Concede Democratic Party Smarter

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Republican National Committee member Ret Phartt says President Obama wants to "pull the U.S. out of the recession and make it fiscally sound while restructuring American society into a true democracy." Phartt and others in the RNC drafted a resolution to rename the Democratic Party "The Party that Makes Sense."

"The proposed resolution will require Democrats to come clean with the American people by renaming themselves The Party That Makes Sense," said Phartt. He compared the change to Walter Mondale's description of President Reagan's "Where's the Beef Buillion?" policies. Republicans known as Fleabooggers marched across the country and held signs supporting the name change.

Pfartt believes RNC chair Mike (Will) Steal will sit at a special committee meeting next month and say things that don't make sense and embarrass himself and the Party again. The GOP began calling Democrats "Sensible" after last election. Rep. Billy Saw Hurog said, "Currently only 17 Republicans in the House make any cents at all."

Monday, April 13, 2009

Somali pirates rescue bullets from Navy cabin boys

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Somali pirates who surrendered themselves to American freighter Capt. Richard Phillips, said they made this traditional pirate maneuver in order to prevent the Capt. from switching their earrings to the "gay ear". They felt they had placed themselves in danger when a group of Navy Seals told them to "keep their buccaneers under their bucking hats".

Phillips held the pirates aboard a tiny lifeboat for five days before the pirate body odor factor approached 9.5 on a stinkola scale of 9. President Obama authorized bags of soap and towels curried by armed cabin boys who delivered the packages on the end of sniper rifles in order to keep from entering the "reek zone". Three pirates grew increasingly heated, and one of them scratched his pectoral muscle with the butt end of AK-47.

The commander of the nearby USS Bainbridge ordered the cabin boys to pull the triggers on the rifles to deliver the bags of toiletries more quickly. All three of the pirates were able to successfully catch bullets with their heads with a precision unprecedented in recorded Naval history. Phillips was said to be resting comfortably after a five course meal aboard Navy warship.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

15 Percent of Americans Believe Obama From Another Planet

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

A poll of 125,589 Americans conducted in February revealed that 15 percent think US president Barack Obama is an alien who operates from a temporary base on the dark side of the moon. His ability to communicate with peoples in all parts of our world and his thin "alien like" build, similar to the aliens realistically rendered in the Steven Spielberg movie "Close Encounters of the Third Kind", have led many to conclude Obama is not a homo sapien.

55 percent of Democrats and 46 percent of Republicans correctly identify that Obama is a human. 13 percent of Republicans and 8 percent of Democrats believed that he is an interplanetary being.

69 percent of respondents with an officially tested IQ below a grilled cheese sandwich incorrectly identified the president's species with 6 percent believing him to be capable of warp-speed travel. Thirty percent of white evangelicals say he is an alien and only 12 percent say he is human. Fifty eight percent believe he uses a high-speed Internet router with a fiber optic circuit to communicate to like beings in other galaxies in other time dimensions.

D Pressing News unequivocally supports the proposition that President Barack Obama is NOT from space.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Former CEO of AIG Blows Hole in Pants

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

A large anal explosion of unknown cause erupted from the lower dorsal posterior of Maurice Greenberg blowing a hole through his pants and coat and showering the room with $1,000 bills. The former head of AIG testified today at the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee hearing on "The Collapse and Federal Rescue of A.I.G. and What It Means for the U.S. Economy", or HOAGRCHOTCAFROAIGAWIMFTUSE (pronounced hoager chotca fro aiga wimf tuse) on Capitol Hill in Washington.

The explosion left a four-inch crater in the executive's trousers and millions of dollars on the floor around him. "Oops," commented Greenberg and he continued his testimony. Fortunately, no one was standing behind Greenberg at the time of the eruption so there were no casualties from the explosion, but many in attendance left the meeting with money to refinance their homes and college funds for their children.

Despite this unfortunate event, Greenberg remains convinced he managed AIG well and refused the $25 million dollar bonus offered him when he left the company.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Vice President's Daughter's Estranged Friend Enjoys Cotton Wads

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

A woman resembling Vice President Joe Biden’s daughter Ashley Biden's friend Vickey's nephew's aunt, was caught on video snorting the stuffing from a 20th century couch at a sleepover party in Delaware.

The owner of the tape, lawyer Dumass Lapdance, is trying to sell it for $98.99, however, no one gives a damn about the insane woman.

Ms. Biden's thrice removed friend appears on the video choking, claiming the wads of stuffing are too dry. The video shows her sucking wads of stuffing into her nose with a vacuum cleaner hose.

Ms. Biden was finally able to tell her friend Vicki's nephew's crazy aunt Rose to "stop it" after Ms. Biden removed Secret Service protection. "They refused to stop eating greasy fast food and constantly made stinky," she said.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

People of Color Caused Financial Crisis

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

A man wearing a baboon's anus tattooed to his face claims that chartreuse people with stereo hearing caused the world’s economic crisis. Dressed as a memory stick, Itsucksto B. Mee stood in front of an Ultimate Electronics store in Ballwin yesterday screaming at passing cars and shoppers.

"This crisis was caused by chartreuse people with 7.1 Dolby Surround hearing, who thought they didn't know nothing about everything and less about anything and now show they don't know nothing," Itsucksto said expressing his outrage during a high level financial meeting with a group of plastic bags and a shopping cart.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Old Mr. Booze Calls for the Halt of BOOBWROTPM

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Old Bitter Booze, R-LA, introduced an amendment to H.R. 1586, the bill that would impose a 0.9% tax on any corporate executive bonus that exceeds $50 million.

The amendment calls for a halt of the BOOBWROTPM program (bunch of old bung weasels ripping off the public's money) which has handed out $780 billion in taxpayer funds to incompetent institutions that beg. Booze made the announcement at a recent meeting in a Louisiana tap room where he was hallucinating that he was preaching to the founding fathers.

Old Mr. Booze stated that if the Obama administration would bring forth a clear, fiscally responsible, fair, bipartisan plan, Republicans would be embarrassed again and say no. For now, the BOOBWROTPM plan should be ended, claimed Booze who also acknowledged Congress' wishes to continue President George W. Bush's precedent of throwing away taxpayer money.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Regular Guy responsible for AIG executive bonuses

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Reg Ularguy, a senate chambers janitor, said that he was responsible for language that remained in the federal stimulus bill that honored previously existing contracts giving lucrative bonuses to executives of failing companies.

Initially, Ularguy confessed that his vacuum cleaner clogged while sucking up the post-it notes, burger wrappers, and discarded bipartisan bills he regularly finds ground into the chamber carpet. Reg ripped the document from the vacuum brushes and after reading it, felt the country would be better served if the bonuses were connected directly to the success of the company. He altered the document to reflect his opinion and placed it in the IN box for the senate's next business day.

"They laughed at it for almost an hour," said Ularguy. "I told my wife and neighbors about my ideas and every one of them said it made sense," said the janitor.

Ularguy told D Pressing News that in light of the present financial turmoil, the "grandfather clause" seemed like the "brown stuff from the south end of a northbound bull".

"When I was a kid, if we didn't have money, my Christmas presents were food and a warm house," Ularguy said.

Lawmakers are currently working on a way to seize Reg Ularguy and install him as AIG's CEO, provided enough bailout money exists to meet his salary demand of $35,000 annually and a possible $1,000 bonus when he brings the company into profitability.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

US-China, Bad Fortune Cookie

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Ever since Chinese patrol boats harassed a US surveillance ship south of Hainan Island, the United States has ceased importing lead tainted toys, rice, and eventually teensie weensie umbrellas served with Mai Tai cocktails in Tiki mugs.

"A final decision on the umbrellas is expected sometime this week," a US official said. "We might ban all of them. The teensie weensies, the itty bitties, and the little bitty ones."

A day after halting the cheap imports, the USS CHUNG KING destroyer accompanied another Chinese-built US naval vessel the ONEFROMCOLUMN-A, a ship armed with 100,000 tons of MSG and designed to track Asian fishing boats and force feed their occupants Moo Goo Gaipan until they hyperventilate, break out in a rash, or experience atrial fibrillation.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Ex-president is uh salted

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

George W. Bush suffered skin rashes to his face, arms, and chest after falling into a pretzel salting machine at the Big Pretzel restaurant in Abilene, TX. The former president was busy pulling apart and engorging his third order of the Big P, a twenty pound man-sized dough wrap, when the mishap occurred.

"He leaned way too far over the counter to look into the dough bin and he coughed in it," said restaurant manager Sal Tine. "When I hollered at him, he slipped and fell into the saltolator."

Mr. Bush has been recuperating, wearing a special pretzel mishap mask designed especially for him. He uses the mask while lying in a hammock, sunning in his back yard, and binge drinking boiler makers.

Friday, March 6, 2009

St. Louis Makes List of Goofiest Cities

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

A recent study by Spudling, Gomer, Goober, and Booger, Ink has ranked the city of St. Louis, MO as the 69th goofiest city in America. Burbank, CA came in at #2 with Hooterville, MI at #3, the town of Dick, FL #6, Fumbucker, LA at #9, Dingleberrie, OH at #12, Bung, CO at #18, and Goon, PA at #22.

The 100 cities which comprise the list were ranked based on the criteria: how often residents look at their shoes when walking, how popular is the wearing of chains for belts, and how many people are driving around with turn lights perpetually on (except when turning) or staying at traffic lights long after they turn green. Number of teeth per capita was a determining factor as well.

The study was commissioned by a bored man in Texas with a large sum of inherited oil revenue and no idea what to do with it. The last city on the list was Bumbf*ck Egypt, Arizona where the local sport of jumping naked in the town square on large cactus plants grown for the occasion is considered idiotic but necessary.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Impeached Governor's Hair Gets Six-Figure Deal

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Former Illinois Governor Bod Bragojevich's hair, known to the media as "Brago" was tar and feathered after being removed from the former governor's head and arrested on federal charges of violating Title 21 of the Code of Federal Regulations: hair thickness statute. The clump of hair also claims it tried selling President Barack Obama's former US Senate seat to the President's children.

Bragojevich's hair landed a six-figure deal (that includes the decimal point) to write a book talking about its head and its opinion of its head while writing about itself and being paid over $1,000.00. The terms of the deal lay out the hair's right to include the governor's hand and footprints from his hospital birth records and original crayon drawings he made in elementary school.

Brago's hair hopes the book will help erase its owner's public image and replace it with the personality of a bubonic ferret.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Basketball Star Demands no Sesame Bun on Big Mac

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Olympic gold medalist Charles Barkley was sentenced to 10 minutes in jail after he plead guilty to 16 counts of playing basketball under the influence of aspirin. The massive basketball hero will be arrested two days after the day before yesterday.

A former NBA pro, Barkley will begin serving his sentence towards the end of next year. He will only have to serve 90 seconds in prison because he's rich.

The gentle giant was also fined $1.25 for following his ex-wife's second cousin's sister-in-law's stepbrother with the intent to keep following the man until his uncle's wife tells him to put his shoes on.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Golden Sucks Business Principles

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

The following GS Business Principles are taken directly from the company's website and interpreted by D Pressing News fiscal management.

1 Our biggest and and wealthiest client's interests always come first. Our experience shows that if we kiss there butts, our own palms will be greased.

2 Our people are a-holes, we have an enormous amount of capital and our reputation, at least lately, sucks Salmonella. If our reputation suffers, we have enough money to not give a damn. Really. Our lawyers assure us that we can skirt around the laws and ethical principles that govern us. Our continued success depends upon our dedication to this standard--it's all about us.

3 We will provide shareholders with so much cash they will literally crap their pants, but hey, they can throw the $5,000 suits and $10,000 dresses away. We have to do this while turning a profit for ourselves which is easy, we simply create new pseudo fiscal schemes like our new public-private, sub-prime mortgage investment packages and interest market cap deposit-withdrawal loans that cash-out on fund-related stock option call futures tied to home mortgage principals. In turn, we keep our top executives by paying them so much money they would have to be a newt to go anywhere else.

4 The unprofessional lack of quality at Golden Sucks is second only to a crack dealer. Everything we do that is not directly related to the acquisition of sexual amounts of money simply is not done. We will kill someone for enough dough.

5 It doesn't take creativity to do what we do. Anyone with no ethical or moral standards can do it. We focus on the money, the money in our pockets. Government money will do just fine. We use it to cover the bonuses that keep our top talent happy. We take great pride in decreasing unemployment by putting the U.S. tax payer to work for us.

6 GS is dedicated to finding the greediest people for the right jobs. We're a trillion dollar company and we know the fundamental truth that greed spawns greed and money adsorbs to greedy people. Without them we are just another Ponzi scheme.

7 Diversity.

8 The Team. You're on it or you sit in the golden blood room until you've seen so much money you change your mind.

9 Our people are concerned with money and absolutely don't care about you personal issues. Talk to your shrink.

10 We are enormous, but we can act like we're small and pretend to be upset when we lose a few billion.

11 If fiscal strategies worldwide change, we will adapt in the most vicious, nasty, unforgiving way. It's what we do.

12 We won't tell anybody what you're doing with your money as long as you are loyal to us.

13 We treat our competitors fair until we learn who they are, then *^&%# them.

14 We got caught screwing our Burger King employees and giving huge tax payer bonuses to our execs. As a result, we're *^&%#ed.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

$Googol Dollars Bailout Plan Announced

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced today that a Federal Reserve economic assets killed plan (FREAK) that began as $200 billion dollars in the House, has been expanded to a $googol dollars (1 followed by 100 zeros).

An additional measly $500 quadrillion (a quadrillion is 1000 trillions) was ear-marked for public-private, sub-prime mortgage investment packages and interest market cap deposit-withdrawal loans that cash-out on fund-related stock option call futures.

Geithner said "Parts of our financial system, the source of the global turn down and the parts that once had money in them, are in the sh*tt*r. Instead of turning the recession around, the financial system is lying homeless in the gutter. We need to get that homeless financial system to a McDonald's in China."

All of this is on top of the existing $800 quintillion (a quintillion is 1000 quadrillions) bank deposit scheme, also known as TARP the Take Assets & Run Program. There is still no guarantee that all of the money can be put on a Capital One credit card without evil spacemen or cavemen stealing it.

"What's in your wallet?" asked the Treasury Secretary. "I need to borrow a few bucks for lunch."

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Google Earth: Industry Vermin More Visible

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Until today, spiders were visible on Google Earth as two-dimensional dark wriggly spots.

Google has worked for three months with Chief Entomologist Brownrecluse Hubble at the National Atmospheric Satellite and Peeking at Arachnids Administration NASPAA to develop the version of their Earth viewer that went live today.

When Google Earth was first developed, spiders existed as eight-legged creepy, crawly, things and were arbitrarily relegated to scrounging around in detritus or scarring the /*:(*! out of you in your home.

Now that many of the species have devolved into presidents, CEOs, and CFOs running major financial institutions that receive large government bailout packages, management at Google decided it was time to make their fiscal shenanigans more visible to all mankind.

Google hopes that the new viewing capability will help people become more aware of the whereabouts and activities of these industry vermin. D Pressing News pressed Mr. Hubble on the question of further partnering with the giant search engine. "We've done a terrific job with Arachnids. What next? Dandruff," said Hubble.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Iraq: Giant Ping Pong Paddle Honors Obama

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Editor

Mohron gu-ntohead, owner of the only struggling sports gear market in Iraq, a man prone to suicidal tendencies, has commissioned a giant sand sculpture in honor of Barack Obama. The monument was unveiled during a quiet late evening ceremony in the sand lot behind the store.

The giant paddle was constructed out of rocks, bullet casings and sand. A common malleable, glue-like substance derived from goat nostrils was used to coat the edifice. It stands 2.5 feet and is 1 by 8 inches wide. Controversial artist, Juhst shahoot meh, sculpted the paddle in just 40 minutes thanks to help from the children who work in gu-ntohead's factory.

Mohron gu-ntohead believes the monument will inspire generations to play ping pong.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Iran's Nuclear Automobiles; No To Purple Dinosaur

By DP Fleming-D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

President MomsInTheMood AhmaDimBulbajad said that Iran will not stop manufacturing nuclear powered automobiles even after being asked by President Obama.

Iran claims that their nuclear cars are "extraordinarily expensive and are Iran's strategy to leap ahead of other nations in the current economic downward spiral."

"They are so expensive that wealthy Americans will not be able to resist buying them. We need only to sell one," said AhmaDimBulbajad.

UN sanctions against nuclear-powered vehicles have been around since Iran first got the idea last week. Iran ignored the sanctions calling them "stank-sions" and could not listen to UN broadcasts because MomsInTheMood's radio only receives AM.

In an interview, Obama said he was willing to "suspend logic and send a special envoy, Barney the Purple Dinasour, with "an unclenched fluffy three-clawed grappler." AhmaDimBulbajad's response was "We cannot put forth our hands when we know Iran and Afghanistan are surrounded by these purple, upright, frogs of children's TV."

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Obama Comment Causes Rust Blimpblog And Keiffer Ulbermeann To Merge

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Radio host Rust Blimpblog scoffed at President Barack Obama’s warning to Republicans that they need to roll up their prayer rugs and stop chanting to the air-filled talk show host if they want to maintain their sanity.

“He is a great unifier,” Blimpblog told D Pressing News. “This man’s going to unify me with some left-wing wacko and usher in a new era of bi-body senselessness.”

D Pressing News has learned Obama told Democratic leaders to, "pull up your blue prayer rugs and stop chanting to pinstriped-ego Keiffer Ulbermeann if you want to maintain your sanity."

Obama’s comments came during a White House meeting to discuss his distribution of 1 trillion stimulation packages.

The president's comments united Blimpblog and Ulbermeann into a new politically unique and apparently insane Entity: the web-footed Rushkeith Limbolberbaugh (lim-bolber-baugh). After the two polar opposites merged into one, it plans to unveil its own bipartisan plan to for the size and fit of stimulation packages.

Limbolberbaugh said that it wants stimulators to be multi-use with rechargeable batteries, and come in all sizes, colors, and flavors.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Citigrope Laps Up Bailout Money

By DP Fleming--Senior D Pressing News Flash Staff Writer

Citigrope, recent recipients of $45 billion of tax payer money, announced that they are buying a brand new $150 million-dollar indestructible safe and a $50 million French jet that seats 6 in stylish private booths. The plane also includes pole-dancer ground stabilizers under each wing.

The private "business suites" are furnished with their own bar, bed, $75,000 toilet, and private "maid/escort".

As part of the new fiscal responsibility program, Citigrope is also trying to sell two of its older jets built sometime back in the late 2008 era.

When asked to comment about the new purchase, Bill MeLater, head of Citigrope's purchasing department said "We have an obligation to guarantee the board that none of our executives will abandon ship, or plane if you like."

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Doctors to Remove Remaining Goodness From Cheney's Buttocks

By DP Fleming---D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Monday, a team of doctors will attempt to remove the last remaining spark of goodness that had worked it's way from Vice President Dick Cheney's sneer and down to his left butt cheek.

The discovery was made on inauguration day. Cheney had felt a discomfort on his left butt cheek and loosened his belt to be more comfortable in his wheelchair. As the VP was lifted from the wheelchair to a limo, his trousers accidentally dropped and exposed his rear end.

No one but Ms. Cheney noticed the discontinuity in her husband's vileness. Onlookers were distracted in their amazement that the Vice President could stand on his head.

Doctors say that unless the goodness is removed, Cheney will continue to feel uncomfortable and may need psychological counseling to help him accept that he is not whole and completely evil.

If the operation is a success, doctors expect the Vice President to lead a normal, mean, vicious, nasty lifestyle and to continue to emulate his childhood movie hero, bank magnate, Henry F. Potter, in director Frank Capra's It's a Wonderful Life.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Kennedy Leaves State Dinner, Byrd Barfs

By--DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Food contamination at the inauguration lunch served in the Statuary Room in the Capitol quickly gave way to suspicions of a terrorist plot to poison Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) and 91-yr-old Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV).

Most in attendance were served food, but Kennedy and Byrd decided not to finish eating after smelling a pungent odor emanating from a newly-approved dish known as "broiled landfish".

Ever since PETA (people for the ethical treatment of animals) appealed to the USDA to designate fish as "sea kittens", TUCP (terrorists for the unethical consumption of pets) have persuaded some restaurants to cut costs by serving kittens, a delicacy they refer to as "landfish".

It was originally thought that Sen. Byrd had eaten over half his meal and was removed from the hall on a stretcher. The confusion stemmed from Byrd’s use of a barf bag, early departure from the table, and dash for the rest room.

Senator Kennedy simply rose from his seat and said he preferred hospital food to landfish and left the luncheon.

A D Pressing News senior reporter quickly obtained reactions from Kennedy’s colleagues in the Senate.

"I’m not a dietitian, but he did have what appeared to be a desire to eat better food,” Sen. Orrin Hatch told D Pressing News.

“He seemed to want something like a been burrito or a quarter pound hamburger,” Walter Mondale, former vice president under Jimmy Carter, told D Pressing News. “But I was just now told that he's eating a Subway sandwich and enjoying it.”

“He’ll be okay. The good news is he’s not going to be hungry,” Senator Chris Dodd told this reporter.

No one commented on Senator Byrd, surprised that he could sprint to the rest room and not expecting him to return anyway.

President Obama opened his address at the luncheon with an impromptu tribute to Kennedy.

“I passed him a plate of appetizers once and he bit into my finger,” he said. “Right now, part of me is with him.”

Supreme Court Rules Against Rules & Regulations Monitoring Rules & Regulations

The US Supreme Court has finally decided that marijuana and other harmless but really cool drugs obtained through illegal searches may be used to execute defendants.

The highest court in the nation ruled against a rule which regulates a regulation that monitors a rule that requires evidence to be regulated and suppressed if it is obtained from a species of animal lower than a rhesus monkey, an otter, or from the scientifically unclassifiable, yet prevalent crack cocaine dealer.

By this ruling, the Court has rolled American law back to a time when, according to President Bush's core constituency, men rode woolly mammoths to prayer meetings and God charged a reasonable price to enter the zoo at the Garden of Eden.

Justice Ruth B. Ginsburg, citing many logical errors in the court's decision, took a hit on a bong and wrote "Dude, the most serious impact of the court’s decision will be on innocent people, man. People wrongfully arrested based on information from an otter or a...whatever, I lost my train of thought, oh yeah, some animals and shit. This is 4th amendment violations here. I mean, there were some chips and soda and a lighter around here someplace."

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Scholars Certain History Will Be Kind to George W. Bush

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

George W. Bush will leave office as one of the most admired presidents ever. He will be fondly remembered for his popular Iraq War and his awe inspiring economic boom.

Bush has had the longest streak of positive approval ratings in history, and historians believe that rating will not change with historical hindsight.

"We are fortunate to live to see the most popular president in American polling history," said Bill McIntirff, a pollster for the Democratic Party.

More than 92.4 percent of history professors judge Bush the greatest president in history, second only to Richard Nixon.

In a recent Pew Center poll, Americans were asked to sum up the Bush presidency in one word. The overwhelming response was "incredibly great and astonished by it."

Bush says he is proud of the immigration laws he initiated and saw through Congress and his insistence, from the beginning, of making employment opportunities for young Americans as troops in his popular Iraq war.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Bush Medal of Freedom “Not Funny”

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Several leading logic organizations claimed that the decision by the Bush Administration to posthumously award the medal of freedom to deceased comedian Rodney Dangerfield is an affront to organizations dedicated to logic throughout the world.

A statement by the groups says “The comedian's humor, which includes such jokes as, 'I get no respect. My wife likes to talk during sex so she called me from a motel.' and 'My wife cut me down to once a month, but I don't care, she cut everybody else out completely.' are violations in logic and turn a blind eye to the freedom of millions of people who don't find the jokes funny,”.

In a drunken stupor, President Bush gave his reasons to award the honor. "Rodney gave me insight. For instance, Laura and I were happy for twenty years, then we met. I phoned her this morning and asked her if she remembered what I told her while we were making love last night and she said 'who is this?'."

In a meeting yesterday with Colombian President Alvaro Uribe, President Bush spit beer on Uribe's belly button when Bush pulled his pants off the Colombian chief executive's head. "He got all mad, so I said let's kiss and make up. He said okay and bent over. Hilarious," said the President.