Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Kennedy Leaves State Dinner, Byrd Barfs

By--DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Food contamination at the inauguration lunch served in the Statuary Room in the Capitol quickly gave way to suspicions of a terrorist plot to poison Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) and 91-yr-old Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV).

Most in attendance were served food, but Kennedy and Byrd decided not to finish eating after smelling a pungent odor emanating from a newly-approved dish known as "broiled landfish".

Ever since PETA (people for the ethical treatment of animals) appealed to the USDA to designate fish as "sea kittens", TUCP (terrorists for the unethical consumption of pets) have persuaded some restaurants to cut costs by serving kittens, a delicacy they refer to as "landfish".

It was originally thought that Sen. Byrd had eaten over half his meal and was removed from the hall on a stretcher. The confusion stemmed from Byrd’s use of a barf bag, early departure from the table, and dash for the rest room.

Senator Kennedy simply rose from his seat and said he preferred hospital food to landfish and left the luncheon.

A D Pressing News senior reporter quickly obtained reactions from Kennedy’s colleagues in the Senate.

"I’m not a dietitian, but he did have what appeared to be a desire to eat better food,” Sen. Orrin Hatch told D Pressing News.

“He seemed to want something like a been burrito or a quarter pound hamburger,” Walter Mondale, former vice president under Jimmy Carter, told D Pressing News. “But I was just now told that he's eating a Subway sandwich and enjoying it.”

“He’ll be okay. The good news is he’s not going to be hungry,” Senator Chris Dodd told this reporter.

No one commented on Senator Byrd, surprised that he could sprint to the rest room and not expecting him to return anyway.

President Obama opened his address at the luncheon with an impromptu tribute to Kennedy.

“I passed him a plate of appetizers once and he bit into my finger,” he said. “Right now, part of me is with him.”

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