Friday, June 26, 2009

WTF is that?

Seriously, WTF is that? First in a series of extremely short clinically verified insane antics of D. Patrick Fleming.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Missing Since Thursday, Governor Seen on "Naked Jumping Day"

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Although his children wear clothes on their nude bodies, the Governor of the state of Mind ditched his family Thursday to go bungee jumping on Naked Jumping Day. Many jumpers celebrate the summer solstice by jumping au naturel.

The governor was missing for five days and was found Monday night by his staff running naked along the Appalachian Trail with a pair of high-powered binoculars.

D Pressing News obtained an exclusive interview with native Andrew A. Tickonbutt, 88, an extremely light skinned horse breeder from Hogfat, Pa., who started jumping naked 64 years ago. "There's no way to explain it. It's about gravity and loose skin. It's just kinda funny how things move around."

Jumpers who prefer clothes are angry. Bling Grodon, the eleventh man on the moon, said "I was the eleventh man on the moon."

Law enforcement authorities say they see so many ugly jumpers on Naked Jumping Day that they don't consider them naked.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Nutritionists Cut Washington Methane Gas Emissions

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Congressional nutritionists have been able to reduce the amount of gas emissions representatives and senators produce simply by changing their diet. Political gassy bodily functions contribute to global warming.

The staff at the house and senate snack bars feed members fish containing high levels of Omega 3 fatty acids as well as truth, honesty, and frugal competence. Congress is responsible for 14% of US greenhouse gas production.

Burps from politicians are mostly to blame. Traditionally, congressmen feed each other bullshit and other types of malarkey besides the usual lies and innuendo.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Organization Upset Obama Killed Fly Not Human On National TV

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

The group PSP (People with Skewed Priorities) pronounced pisspa, attacked President Barak Obama for killing an escaped trained circus flea during a recent interview for CNBC.

When the fly interrupted the interview by performing an aerial loop-de-loop while balancing a turban on its head, Obama commanded it to "Get the [expletive deleted] out of here." When the fly disobeyed the commander in chief's direct order, the president cleared a landing strip on his wrist and smashed the flea deader than a republican mosh pit.

PSP sent the president a 12-gauge Dick Cheney Special shotgun and a supply of shells with a card that reads, "Take a tip from the former vice president. Next time shoot the closest human."

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Jews Can Now "Oyveygle"

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Ultra-Orthodox Jewish rabbis have unveiled a new kosher search engine, dubbed "Oyveygle". The popular search engine Google is restricted because users have been caught accessing images of mixed milk and female flesh, which the rabbis consider pornography.

Oyveygle filters sites selling forbidden items. "If you try to buy something on the Sabbath and you are male, the kosher search engine re-sheaths your shmeckle. Women are traif-slapped in the tuchis by some shmendrik, said Abe Cohen, inventor of the search engine.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

bin Laden Uses Puppet to Criticize Obama

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

"President Barack Obama is good looking and intelligent. This angers my close friends and devotees who are ugly, unless a bearded, brown, cauliflower face appeals to you, and kinda dumb considering their eagerness to blow themselves to pieces for "virgins."

This according to a videotape said to be from Osama bin Laden. The tape aired on al Jazeera TV's subsidiary station bin Poopin during Barack's recent visit to the Middle East.

U.S. counter terrorism official Ispy Forthecia believes the tape is authentic, adding, "there is a thing on a shovel, we think it's human, in a dress and wearing a diaper on his head. The voice echos like it's in a cave and the package the tape came in stinks. It's like every other Bin Laden tape." The al Qaeda leader criticized U.S. military actions in Pakistan saying "we will not give up our rocks and our sand, our caves and our bat quano."

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said there is more sand than rock in Pakistan and there is plenty of bat quano. "In the video, bin Laden rides on a shovel of bat quano and manipulates an al-Kermit the Sheik hand puppet to distract attention from Obama's attempts to reach out to the sane Muslim world," said Gibbs.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Stimulus Reduced: 600,000 Jobs Save 600,000 Jobs That Eliminate New 600,000 Jobs and additional 600,000 Jobs

President Obama outlined hundreds of public works projects that will begin this summer, paid for by the $787 billion stimulus bill. The projects will create 600,000 jobs. The new jobs will save 600,000 temporary jobs that will eliminate the original 600,000 jobs as well as 600,000 jobs previously not slated for elimination.

Only a fraction of the stimulus has been spent thus far. The programs will have an anti-stimulus effect on the $787 billion stimulus package resulting in less stimulus money available.

Republicans support the bill, yet complain that it does not reduce the stimulus package enough.

Unemployment is at 9.4 percent, a level not seen since Ronald Reagan became employed in 1980.

Although unemployment rose less than expected last month, the public still does not know what it means.

Obama acknowledged that "we're still in the middle of two extremes. If we move in one direction, we're not in the middle. If one of the extremes moves toward or away from us, again, we're not in the middle. If both ends of the spectrum move the same distance in the same direction, we're in the middle."

Monday, June 8, 2009

Breakthrough Made in Potato Salad

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Scientists at John Hopkins University have discovered that people who regularly eat potato salad develop a genetic neurological disorder that damages their ability to make informed decisions because the food attacks a protein normally found in yeasts but recently discovered in the heads of potato salad eaters.

"It's been a mystery why intelligent beings begin life as children then mentally deteriorate," said neuroscience professor Idaho Peel.

Peel determined that a mutant form of the protein polywannapeptidecracker causes an effect known as thatbanjoplayingkidinthemoviedeliverence syndrome and is found everywhere in human brain cells in clumps that resemble Richard Nixon's head. The anomaly suggests that the human mind may be preventing its own thoughts from reaching logical conclusions.