Saturday, January 31, 2009

Iraq: Giant Ping Pong Paddle Honors Obama

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Editor

Mohron gu-ntohead, owner of the only struggling sports gear market in Iraq, a man prone to suicidal tendencies, has commissioned a giant sand sculpture in honor of Barack Obama. The monument was unveiled during a quiet late evening ceremony in the sand lot behind the store.

The giant paddle was constructed out of rocks, bullet casings and sand. A common malleable, glue-like substance derived from goat nostrils was used to coat the edifice. It stands 2.5 feet and is 1 by 8 inches wide. Controversial artist, Juhst shahoot meh, sculpted the paddle in just 40 minutes thanks to help from the children who work in gu-ntohead's factory.

Mohron gu-ntohead believes the monument will inspire generations to play ping pong.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Iran's Nuclear Automobiles; No To Purple Dinosaur

By DP Fleming-D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

President MomsInTheMood AhmaDimBulbajad said that Iran will not stop manufacturing nuclear powered automobiles even after being asked by President Obama.

Iran claims that their nuclear cars are "extraordinarily expensive and are Iran's strategy to leap ahead of other nations in the current economic downward spiral."

"They are so expensive that wealthy Americans will not be able to resist buying them. We need only to sell one," said AhmaDimBulbajad.

UN sanctions against nuclear-powered vehicles have been around since Iran first got the idea last week. Iran ignored the sanctions calling them "stank-sions" and could not listen to UN broadcasts because MomsInTheMood's radio only receives AM.

In an interview, Obama said he was willing to "suspend logic and send a special envoy, Barney the Purple Dinasour, with "an unclenched fluffy three-clawed grappler." AhmaDimBulbajad's response was "We cannot put forth our hands when we know Iran and Afghanistan are surrounded by these purple, upright, frogs of children's TV."

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Obama Comment Causes Rust Blimpblog And Keiffer Ulbermeann To Merge

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Radio host Rust Blimpblog scoffed at President Barack Obama’s warning to Republicans that they need to roll up their prayer rugs and stop chanting to the air-filled talk show host if they want to maintain their sanity.

“He is a great unifier,” Blimpblog told D Pressing News. “This man’s going to unify me with some left-wing wacko and usher in a new era of bi-body senselessness.”

D Pressing News has learned Obama told Democratic leaders to, "pull up your blue prayer rugs and stop chanting to pinstriped-ego Keiffer Ulbermeann if you want to maintain your sanity."

Obama’s comments came during a White House meeting to discuss his distribution of 1 trillion stimulation packages.

The president's comments united Blimpblog and Ulbermeann into a new politically unique and apparently insane Entity: the web-footed Rushkeith Limbolberbaugh (lim-bolber-baugh). After the two polar opposites merged into one, it plans to unveil its own bipartisan plan to for the size and fit of stimulation packages.

Limbolberbaugh said that it wants stimulators to be multi-use with rechargeable batteries, and come in all sizes, colors, and flavors.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Citigrope Laps Up Bailout Money

By DP Fleming--Senior D Pressing News Flash Staff Writer

Citigrope, recent recipients of $45 billion of tax payer money, announced that they are buying a brand new $150 million-dollar indestructible safe and a $50 million French jet that seats 6 in stylish private booths. The plane also includes pole-dancer ground stabilizers under each wing.

The private "business suites" are furnished with their own bar, bed, $75,000 toilet, and private "maid/escort".

As part of the new fiscal responsibility program, Citigrope is also trying to sell two of its older jets built sometime back in the late 2008 era.

When asked to comment about the new purchase, Bill MeLater, head of Citigrope's purchasing department said "We have an obligation to guarantee the board that none of our executives will abandon ship, or plane if you like."

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Doctors to Remove Remaining Goodness From Cheney's Buttocks

By DP Fleming---D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Monday, a team of doctors will attempt to remove the last remaining spark of goodness that had worked it's way from Vice President Dick Cheney's sneer and down to his left butt cheek.

The discovery was made on inauguration day. Cheney had felt a discomfort on his left butt cheek and loosened his belt to be more comfortable in his wheelchair. As the VP was lifted from the wheelchair to a limo, his trousers accidentally dropped and exposed his rear end.

No one but Ms. Cheney noticed the discontinuity in her husband's vileness. Onlookers were distracted in their amazement that the Vice President could stand on his head.

Doctors say that unless the goodness is removed, Cheney will continue to feel uncomfortable and may need psychological counseling to help him accept that he is not whole and completely evil.

If the operation is a success, doctors expect the Vice President to lead a normal, mean, vicious, nasty lifestyle and to continue to emulate his childhood movie hero, bank magnate, Henry F. Potter, in director Frank Capra's It's a Wonderful Life.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Kennedy Leaves State Dinner, Byrd Barfs

By--DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Food contamination at the inauguration lunch served in the Statuary Room in the Capitol quickly gave way to suspicions of a terrorist plot to poison Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) and 91-yr-old Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV).

Most in attendance were served food, but Kennedy and Byrd decided not to finish eating after smelling a pungent odor emanating from a newly-approved dish known as "broiled landfish".

Ever since PETA (people for the ethical treatment of animals) appealed to the USDA to designate fish as "sea kittens", TUCP (terrorists for the unethical consumption of pets) have persuaded some restaurants to cut costs by serving kittens, a delicacy they refer to as "landfish".

It was originally thought that Sen. Byrd had eaten over half his meal and was removed from the hall on a stretcher. The confusion stemmed from Byrd’s use of a barf bag, early departure from the table, and dash for the rest room.

Senator Kennedy simply rose from his seat and said he preferred hospital food to landfish and left the luncheon.

A D Pressing News senior reporter quickly obtained reactions from Kennedy’s colleagues in the Senate.

"I’m not a dietitian, but he did have what appeared to be a desire to eat better food,” Sen. Orrin Hatch told D Pressing News.

“He seemed to want something like a been burrito or a quarter pound hamburger,” Walter Mondale, former vice president under Jimmy Carter, told D Pressing News. “But I was just now told that he's eating a Subway sandwich and enjoying it.”

“He’ll be okay. The good news is he’s not going to be hungry,” Senator Chris Dodd told this reporter.

No one commented on Senator Byrd, surprised that he could sprint to the rest room and not expecting him to return anyway.

President Obama opened his address at the luncheon with an impromptu tribute to Kennedy.

“I passed him a plate of appetizers once and he bit into my finger,” he said. “Right now, part of me is with him.”

Supreme Court Rules Against Rules & Regulations Monitoring Rules & Regulations

The US Supreme Court has finally decided that marijuana and other harmless but really cool drugs obtained through illegal searches may be used to execute defendants.

The highest court in the nation ruled against a rule which regulates a regulation that monitors a rule that requires evidence to be regulated and suppressed if it is obtained from a species of animal lower than a rhesus monkey, an otter, or from the scientifically unclassifiable, yet prevalent crack cocaine dealer.

By this ruling, the Court has rolled American law back to a time when, according to President Bush's core constituency, men rode woolly mammoths to prayer meetings and God charged a reasonable price to enter the zoo at the Garden of Eden.

Justice Ruth B. Ginsburg, citing many logical errors in the court's decision, took a hit on a bong and wrote "Dude, the most serious impact of the court’s decision will be on innocent people, man. People wrongfully arrested based on information from an otter or a...whatever, I lost my train of thought, oh yeah, some animals and shit. This is 4th amendment violations here. I mean, there were some chips and soda and a lighter around here someplace."

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Scholars Certain History Will Be Kind to George W. Bush

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

George W. Bush will leave office as one of the most admired presidents ever. He will be fondly remembered for his popular Iraq War and his awe inspiring economic boom.

Bush has had the longest streak of positive approval ratings in history, and historians believe that rating will not change with historical hindsight.

"We are fortunate to live to see the most popular president in American polling history," said Bill McIntirff, a pollster for the Democratic Party.

More than 92.4 percent of history professors judge Bush the greatest president in history, second only to Richard Nixon.

In a recent Pew Center poll, Americans were asked to sum up the Bush presidency in one word. The overwhelming response was "incredibly great and astonished by it."

Bush says he is proud of the immigration laws he initiated and saw through Congress and his insistence, from the beginning, of making employment opportunities for young Americans as troops in his popular Iraq war.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Bush Medal of Freedom “Not Funny”

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Several leading logic organizations claimed that the decision by the Bush Administration to posthumously award the medal of freedom to deceased comedian Rodney Dangerfield is an affront to organizations dedicated to logic throughout the world.

A statement by the groups says “The comedian's humor, which includes such jokes as, 'I get no respect. My wife likes to talk during sex so she called me from a motel.' and 'My wife cut me down to once a month, but I don't care, she cut everybody else out completely.' are violations in logic and turn a blind eye to the freedom of millions of people who don't find the jokes funny,”.

In a drunken stupor, President Bush gave his reasons to award the honor. "Rodney gave me insight. For instance, Laura and I were happy for twenty years, then we met. I phoned her this morning and asked her if she remembered what I told her while we were making love last night and she said 'who is this?'."

In a meeting yesterday with Colombian President Alvaro Uribe, President Bush spit beer on Uribe's belly button when Bush pulled his pants off the Colombian chief executive's head. "He got all mad, so I said let's kiss and make up. He said okay and bent over. Hilarious," said the President.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Special D Pressing News Announcement

By DP Fleming, Senior Staff Writer, D Pressing News

Due to the current economic downturn, the D Pressing News is forced to make some cutbacks, or as we like to say--we're right-sizing. Rather than diminish the quality of this vital source of insane news, we are scaling back. However, there is a silver lining in this reorganization move.

From this date forward, we are eliminating all of our Staff Writers. That's the downer. The good news is the organization is promoting Staff Writer DP Fleming to Senior Staff Writer.

We here at D Pressing News are honored and privileged to promote a journalist who has shown time and time again a devotion, a diligence, and a depth of perspicacity for seeing beyond the layers of evidence, facts, and their corresponding truths and into the pure insanity of these critical life-altering events.

Congratulations DP from all of us at the "News". For your continued dedication, we present you with this valuable, stressed antique deletion device to cherish and pass on to your children and grandchildren for many years to come.

Continued good luck.

DP Fleming
D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Palin Angry About Meanies

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

During an interview with conservative eight-year-old Josh Breugenglochester, a 6th level World-of-War Craft Gnome, satirist and former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin complained that News anchor Katie Couric and actress Tina Fey have been mean to her.

Tina Fey's famous impersonations of Ms. Palin made the governor look like Sarah Palin. And, during an interview with Katie Couric early in Mrs. Palin's campaign, the governor was caught off guard, spelled her own name Sahara Pthailin, and could not recall the state capitol of Alaska.

Mrs. Palin stuck out her tongue and went rogue, making statements about how the press treats Caroline Kennedy in her run for the Senate.

"She's like treated like a Kennedy, like she's so smart and like special or something. I don't like that kind of thing," said the Governor.

Sitting on the floor and slapping her thighs, Palin pooped and cried, "I'm treated more like a McCainedy and that's the old fart's fault." The governor had her diaper changed and was put to bed with no dinner.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Illinois House Votes To Execute Blagojevich With Near-Unanimous Vote

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

The Illinois House of Representatives voted to execute Gov. Rod Blagojevich. He will first be "softened" at a street carnival. Outraged citizens wishing to "pay and play" can purchase hackie sacks; then throw them at the governor until he cries.

Blagojevich, known to his friends as "an arrogant dick", has been accused of trying to sell the ultra-plush cushion that had been glued on Barack Obama's U.S. Senate seat to an Indian telemarketer named Patel.

The vote was 114-1. The single vote against the measure was registered by the House's mascot, Thowshitachew, an eleven-year-old foul-mouthed baboon and first cousin to the governor's wife. The governor has been Throwshitachew's limo driver as part of a therapy program to rectify anomalies in his sublimated ego.

In what some are calling a cruel joke, the impeachment document is to be stuffed into an empty toilet paper role, wrapped in a banana peal, and delivered by burro to the state Senate where it is expected to produce laughs at the Senate water cooler for decades.

A two-thirds Senate majority will be needed to convict and remove Blagojevich from his jogging sweats. To complete the execution, the governor will be sent on a hunting trip with Vice President Dick Cheney. Blagojevich will be replaced by a toupee, Dick Chaney's pacemaker, and a drum of styling gel.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Obama Limo Solid As Barack

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

The Secret Service is near completion on president-elect Obama's presidential vehicle, the Barackatank. A tricked out Cadillac, the "iron on wheels" has been called a 'a hunk of damn iron on wheels' as well as 'mostly iron, part wheels, part hunk'.

The massive motorcar has 3-ft. thick doors and missile-proof Plexiglas. Given it's extra armor and weight, it will be less maneuverable than a Grand piano and slower than a motorless hot dog cart.

Following the assassination of John F. Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson began the tradition of riding in bulletproof limos with his Ford Fairlane, the Nervous Nelly.

Previous limos were designed to hall ass and protect the President. The Barackatank is designed to withstand a prolonged nuclear attack, scores of scud missiles, rocks, and mud slung from the extreme right.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Obama Team May Redesign Space Shuttles

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

The incoming Obama administration may scrap the replacement for the aging Space Shuttle. The Ares program may be set aside in favor of using mammoth helium balloons and giant slingshots to loft payloads into space.

These redesigned launching vehicles would make cheap replacements and save billions of dollars while still allowing manned flight capabilities," said Bling Gordon, the 6th man on the moon and first man on the moon with a toupee.

Properly fitted Flingonaughts and Spalloonmen would safely carry out the mission to reach: "...if not space, at least into the clouds," added the space flight veteran.

The last Space Shuttle flight is scheduled for 2009 when gasoline is expected to reach 8.99 per gallon. NASA had plans for permanent Moon based porta-potties by 2015 and a manned Mars mission to establish a McDonald's was to follow.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Richardson Withdraws, Cites Necessary Alien Inquiry

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

Bill Richardson withdrew his bid to become commerce secretary because of an anal probe he received during a brief, yet close encounter on his way to Santa Fe last summer. Sources say Richardson is concerned he will be found insane and does not wish to embarrass president-elect Obama.

According to an unknown source claiming to be human, D Pressing News has learned that a New Mexico airport won a contract for a landing strip worth 15 million dollars.

Aides from both camps tell reporters that Richardson had been planning a trip to Umf, a previously unknown planet in our solar system, for some time now. Obama did not urge Richardson to make the interplanetary trip.

A company, Interplanetary Trips Inc. or IPT, and its CEO, Mr. Zonzptznzp Erntznarz Oopzabbl Mnztqnx Zisskl Ummll Umnm Enk Nz Q Junior, contributed large sums of money to Richardson's PACS, including one donation of 0.004 Umfian iqs or $74,000.00 USD.

The contribution was several months after IPT won the interplanetary contract. Richardson is the most prominent Hispanic in the DNC and now the galaxy.