Sunday, April 26, 2009

Republicans Concede Democratic Party Smarter

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Republican National Committee member Ret Phartt says President Obama wants to "pull the U.S. out of the recession and make it fiscally sound while restructuring American society into a true democracy." Phartt and others in the RNC drafted a resolution to rename the Democratic Party "The Party that Makes Sense."

"The proposed resolution will require Democrats to come clean with the American people by renaming themselves The Party That Makes Sense," said Phartt. He compared the change to Walter Mondale's description of President Reagan's "Where's the Beef Buillion?" policies. Republicans known as Fleabooggers marched across the country and held signs supporting the name change.

Pfartt believes RNC chair Mike (Will) Steal will sit at a special committee meeting next month and say things that don't make sense and embarrass himself and the Party again. The GOP began calling Democrats "Sensible" after last election. Rep. Billy Saw Hurog said, "Currently only 17 Republicans in the House make any cents at all."

Monday, April 13, 2009

Somali pirates rescue bullets from Navy cabin boys

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Somali pirates who surrendered themselves to American freighter Capt. Richard Phillips, said they made this traditional pirate maneuver in order to prevent the Capt. from switching their earrings to the "gay ear". They felt they had placed themselves in danger when a group of Navy Seals told them to "keep their buccaneers under their bucking hats".

Phillips held the pirates aboard a tiny lifeboat for five days before the pirate body odor factor approached 9.5 on a stinkola scale of 9. President Obama authorized bags of soap and towels curried by armed cabin boys who delivered the packages on the end of sniper rifles in order to keep from entering the "reek zone". Three pirates grew increasingly heated, and one of them scratched his pectoral muscle with the butt end of AK-47.

The commander of the nearby USS Bainbridge ordered the cabin boys to pull the triggers on the rifles to deliver the bags of toiletries more quickly. All three of the pirates were able to successfully catch bullets with their heads with a precision unprecedented in recorded Naval history. Phillips was said to be resting comfortably after a five course meal aboard Navy warship.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

15 Percent of Americans Believe Obama From Another Planet

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

A poll of 125,589 Americans conducted in February revealed that 15 percent think US president Barack Obama is an alien who operates from a temporary base on the dark side of the moon. His ability to communicate with peoples in all parts of our world and his thin "alien like" build, similar to the aliens realistically rendered in the Steven Spielberg movie "Close Encounters of the Third Kind", have led many to conclude Obama is not a homo sapien.

55 percent of Democrats and 46 percent of Republicans correctly identify that Obama is a human. 13 percent of Republicans and 8 percent of Democrats believed that he is an interplanetary being.

69 percent of respondents with an officially tested IQ below a grilled cheese sandwich incorrectly identified the president's species with 6 percent believing him to be capable of warp-speed travel. Thirty percent of white evangelicals say he is an alien and only 12 percent say he is human. Fifty eight percent believe he uses a high-speed Internet router with a fiber optic circuit to communicate to like beings in other galaxies in other time dimensions.

D Pressing News unequivocally supports the proposition that President Barack Obama is NOT from space.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Former CEO of AIG Blows Hole in Pants

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

A large anal explosion of unknown cause erupted from the lower dorsal posterior of Maurice Greenberg blowing a hole through his pants and coat and showering the room with $1,000 bills. The former head of AIG testified today at the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee hearing on "The Collapse and Federal Rescue of A.I.G. and What It Means for the U.S. Economy", or HOAGRCHOTCAFROAIGAWIMFTUSE (pronounced hoager chotca fro aiga wimf tuse) on Capitol Hill in Washington.

The explosion left a four-inch crater in the executive's trousers and millions of dollars on the floor around him. "Oops," commented Greenberg and he continued his testimony. Fortunately, no one was standing behind Greenberg at the time of the eruption so there were no casualties from the explosion, but many in attendance left the meeting with money to refinance their homes and college funds for their children.

Despite this unfortunate event, Greenberg remains convinced he managed AIG well and refused the $25 million dollar bonus offered him when he left the company.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Vice President's Daughter's Estranged Friend Enjoys Cotton Wads

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

A woman resembling Vice President Joe Biden’s daughter Ashley Biden's friend Vickey's nephew's aunt, was caught on video snorting the stuffing from a 20th century couch at a sleepover party in Delaware.

The owner of the tape, lawyer Dumass Lapdance, is trying to sell it for $98.99, however, no one gives a damn about the insane woman.

Ms. Biden's thrice removed friend appears on the video choking, claiming the wads of stuffing are too dry. The video shows her sucking wads of stuffing into her nose with a vacuum cleaner hose.

Ms. Biden was finally able to tell her friend Vicki's nephew's crazy aunt Rose to "stop it" after Ms. Biden removed Secret Service protection. "They refused to stop eating greasy fast food and constantly made stinky," she said.