Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Basketball Star Demands no Sesame Bun on Big Mac

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Olympic gold medalist Charles Barkley was sentenced to 10 minutes in jail after he plead guilty to 16 counts of playing basketball under the influence of aspirin. The massive basketball hero will be arrested two days after the day before yesterday.

A former NBA pro, Barkley will begin serving his sentence towards the end of next year. He will only have to serve 90 seconds in prison because he's rich.

The gentle giant was also fined $1.25 for following his ex-wife's second cousin's sister-in-law's stepbrother with the intent to keep following the man until his uncle's wife tells him to put his shoes on.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Golden Sucks Business Principles

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

The following GS Business Principles are taken directly from the company's website and interpreted by D Pressing News fiscal management.

1 Our biggest and and wealthiest client's interests always come first. Our experience shows that if we kiss there butts, our own palms will be greased.

2 Our people are a-holes, we have an enormous amount of capital and our reputation, at least lately, sucks Salmonella. If our reputation suffers, we have enough money to not give a damn. Really. Our lawyers assure us that we can skirt around the laws and ethical principles that govern us. Our continued success depends upon our dedication to this standard--it's all about us.

3 We will provide shareholders with so much cash they will literally crap their pants, but hey, they can throw the $5,000 suits and $10,000 dresses away. We have to do this while turning a profit for ourselves which is easy, we simply create new pseudo fiscal schemes like our new public-private, sub-prime mortgage investment packages and interest market cap deposit-withdrawal loans that cash-out on fund-related stock option call futures tied to home mortgage principals. In turn, we keep our top executives by paying them so much money they would have to be a newt to go anywhere else.

4 The unprofessional lack of quality at Golden Sucks is second only to a crack dealer. Everything we do that is not directly related to the acquisition of sexual amounts of money simply is not done. We will kill someone for enough dough.

5 It doesn't take creativity to do what we do. Anyone with no ethical or moral standards can do it. We focus on the money, the money in our pockets. Government money will do just fine. We use it to cover the bonuses that keep our top talent happy. We take great pride in decreasing unemployment by putting the U.S. tax payer to work for us.

6 GS is dedicated to finding the greediest people for the right jobs. We're a trillion dollar company and we know the fundamental truth that greed spawns greed and money adsorbs to greedy people. Without them we are just another Ponzi scheme.

7 Diversity.

8 The Team. You're on it or you sit in the golden blood room until you've seen so much money you change your mind.

9 Our people are concerned with money and absolutely don't care about you personal issues. Talk to your shrink.

10 We are enormous, but we can act like we're small and pretend to be upset when we lose a few billion.

11 If fiscal strategies worldwide change, we will adapt in the most vicious, nasty, unforgiving way. It's what we do.

12 We won't tell anybody what you're doing with your money as long as you are loyal to us.

13 We treat our competitors fair until we learn who they are, then *^&%# them.

14 We got caught screwing our Burger King employees and giving huge tax payer bonuses to our execs. As a result, we're *^&%#ed.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

$Googol Dollars Bailout Plan Announced

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced today that a Federal Reserve economic assets killed plan (FREAK) that began as $200 billion dollars in the House, has been expanded to a $googol dollars (1 followed by 100 zeros).

An additional measly $500 quadrillion (a quadrillion is 1000 trillions) was ear-marked for public-private, sub-prime mortgage investment packages and interest market cap deposit-withdrawal loans that cash-out on fund-related stock option call futures.

Geithner said "Parts of our financial system, the source of the global turn down and the parts that once had money in them, are in the sh*tt*r. Instead of turning the recession around, the financial system is lying homeless in the gutter. We need to get that homeless financial system to a McDonald's in China."

All of this is on top of the existing $800 quintillion (a quintillion is 1000 quadrillions) bank deposit scheme, also known as TARP the Take Assets & Run Program. There is still no guarantee that all of the money can be put on a Capital One credit card without evil spacemen or cavemen stealing it.

"What's in your wallet?" asked the Treasury Secretary. "I need to borrow a few bucks for lunch."

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Google Earth: Industry Vermin More Visible

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Until today, spiders were visible on Google Earth as two-dimensional dark wriggly spots.

Google has worked for three months with Chief Entomologist Brownrecluse Hubble at the National Atmospheric Satellite and Peeking at Arachnids Administration NASPAA to develop the version of their Earth viewer that went live today.

When Google Earth was first developed, spiders existed as eight-legged creepy, crawly, things and were arbitrarily relegated to scrounging around in detritus or scarring the /*:(*! out of you in your home.

Now that many of the species have devolved into presidents, CEOs, and CFOs running major financial institutions that receive large government bailout packages, management at Google decided it was time to make their fiscal shenanigans more visible to all mankind.

Google hopes that the new viewing capability will help people become more aware of the whereabouts and activities of these industry vermin. D Pressing News pressed Mr. Hubble on the question of further partnering with the giant search engine. "We've done a terrific job with Arachnids. What next? Dandruff," said Hubble.