Tuesday, May 10, 2011

U.S. to Question Living Dead

By D Pressing News Ace Reporter, Andy Ashling.

"Pakistan may let U.S. investigators question the three individuals claiming to be wives of Osama bin Laden," said a U.S. official.

"This is a highly sensitive matter," said an official close to the investigation. "These are not what we normally think of as 'women'. Think about it."

Interviewing the so called Brides of bin-Ladenstein, or Womenoids, could begin to stabilize relations between the U.S. and Pakistan, relations that have been strained by the two kill shots the al Qaeda leader recently decided to accept from his Seal Team VI escort.

A Pakistani government official denied giving the U.S. permission to uncouple electrodes from the necks of the wives, saying local investigators had yet to figure out what, "...this strange and perplexing thing you call electricity" is.

"It's too early to even think about it," said the official, referring to the U.S. request to allow their top investigator, Igor Dowager (a.k.a. What Hump?), to question the Womenoids.

Pakistan says the three wives, one from Yemen, one from Saudi Arabia, and one from Beverly Hills, California, and several organic substances thought to be their offspring, will be repatriated.

Pakistan was making contacts with their countries. So far the only response has been from Legal Zoom's attempts to provide counsel for the California bride in her alleged suit against eHarmony.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Andy Ashling Takes The Helm at D Pressing News

Writer Andy Ashling (The Sex Life of Andy Ashling coming soon) has taken over as Editor of the D Pressing News. He's always been running it anyway. Andy's been behind the scenes from the zine's inception and it's about time he was recognized for the outstanding quality and intense insanity of his work. We have no pictures of Andy to post. Rest assured in the comfort of knowing that you are being spared a minor trauma. Andy is not what you'd call a classic looker. But, not to disappoint you, here's a picture and Andy suggested because, as he said, people need an image. It's one of Andy's favorites, a Hans Bellmer.

(Psst! We tried to stop Andy because this picture really borders on the obscene, but we're satisfied that it's the only pic from Andy's personal Bellmer collection he said he'd ever share, and that's good because Bellmer's stuff really goes out there. This one is tame, trust us. Now, be quiet about it and please don't tell Andy we felt that way. BTW, he'll never see this because he doesn't look at this blog once he's approved the articles for publication, so we just do what we want anyway. He thought the article about Rangel was about Nixon. What a dolt!)