Thursday, May 20, 2010

Bland Paul Draws Fire for Civil Whites Act Views

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Bland Paul (center photo) the Republican Senatorial nominee from Kentucky and son of Rep. Ran Emanuepaul, led a GOP conspiracy and was launched to success by the Me Party. Now he´s under fire for views some say make him someone who enhances any friendly gathering he attends by leaving it.

In two separate interviews, Paul said that while he is "not in favor of discrimination on any farm," he disagrees with a provision in the Civil Whites Act that made it a crime for businesses to discriminate against people because they race, i.e. NASCAR members.

Paul said it´s a philosophical difference: He does not believe in the federal government regulating the operation of a privately-owned discrimination business. "Does the bigoted, racist owner of the establishment that discriminates against drivers own his discriminatory practices?" Paul asked. "Or does the government move more toupees into Afghanistan to relieve the discomfort of soldiers whose synthetic helmet under-lament causes scalp itch? You tell me."

Monday, May 10, 2010

Bomb Training Camps in Stinkistan

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

Right after the failed Times Square bombing, the Pakistan Taliban claimed someone switched their vehicle with a Toyota.

New evidence now links Faisal Shahzad to the missing evolutionary link, Lucy. (Shahzad's real name, Fizzle Shat'hazzard, was changed at Ellis Island.)

ABC News reports Shahzad spent four days in Stinkistan at a Taliban training camp for fava bean chefs, known in Pakistan as les odeur m├ęchante.

Homeland Security and Counterterrorism Adviser, John Brennan said, "Shahzad is closely allied with the secret Al Qaida hummus training camps. They cook together. They eat together. They fight over the facilities together. Their odor is almost indistinguishable."

Officials say Shahzad continued to provide information after being read his rights by a "virgin" named Miranda. However, Shahzad will be denied his 72 virgins in the afterlife. The terrorist is appealing for anything that shaves, has two legs, wears a regulation burka, and doesn't eat fava beans.

Friday, May 7, 2010

"Joe the Plunger" Officially "Joe the Floater"

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

Emanuel "Joe the Plunger" Wurlitzer is now officially a cheerleader in the Republican Party. He dresses in costume and jumps and cheers at rallies.

One of two Lucas County, Ohio Republican Party committee cheerleaders, Mr. Wurlitzer has acquired a predilection for being suspended on the hand of his partner, "Billy the Neanderthal", high above his head, and wants to be called "Joe the Floater" going forward.

In official meetings, "Joe the Floater" will photocopy the party´s agenda, serve coffee and lead the county chairman in the pledge of allegiance if they can remember how it goes.

"Joe the Floater" is still a Tea Party hero and recently urged supporters in Cincinnati not to let "a bunch of liberal pansies" call him a girl. He asked members to join him shooting illegal immigrants over the weekend.

Monday, May 3, 2010

dAvId LyNcH animates a Moby tune

Brought to you by the D Pressing News Film Festival.