Democrat Rangel Guilty of Poor Story Pitch

By DP Fleming, Senior Staff Writer

Charles Rangel, one of the House's most powerful members, was found guilty of breaking the 12 commandments for screenwriting his Congressional film, FULL JACKET POCKETS. The 12 Commandments are:

1. The truth, if critical to the story, will always be in the subtext of your principle character's dialogue
2. Each scene will leave unanswered questions and will indicate they will be answered in a following scene
3. Unanswered questions from an earlier scene will never be fully answered, but will leave the audience believing they understand the narrative
4. Neither the antagonist or protagonist will reveal where he or she really gets his or her campaign contributions
5. None of the main characters who are Democrats will appear on Fox (MSNBC if they are Republicans)
6. The plot point that ends act one will reverse the fortunes of the party in power and the plot point ending act two will impart an impending dread until the climax
7. All main and secondary characters will kiss ugly babies regardless of who hands them one
8. The protagonist will eat nothing costing more than a bar hamburger, fries and a beer if they are on camera during a campaign in the film
9. Dramatic irony will result from all characters who are politicians acting like they are not a part of Washington even though they were sent there to work
10. No member of the three branches of government will ever claim they are making enough money to be in that top 5% threatened by suspension of the Bush tax cuts
11. Protagonists and Antagonists will each use the phrase, "What the American people want is..." at least once in each act and pretend they really know what they are talking about
12. If any of the main characters comes within at least 2000 miles of Iraq or Afghanistan, they can claim they've been there and know what's going on

The eight lawmakers on the subcommittee reached a unanimous verdict on all counts except # 7. "Rangel refused to kiss Sarah Palin's granddaughter," claimed one subcommittee member.

Rangel requested a delay in order to do a rewrite and pitch the story again, because he did not have his story line finished.

Rangel whined and complained about changes in dialogue that he thought weakened character arcs. He said he hopes the full Committee takes into account the power of his screenplay's inciting incident 3 pages in.

Rangel walked out of the trial when his denouement was rejected saying he would seek final cut and a distribution deal.

Meat Party Candidate Singer Pat Boon Launches Mail Order Meat-Like Food Business

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Staff Writer

If you like steak but wish it were cheap and conservative, then Meat Partier and 1950s singer Pat Boon has a line of mail order meat food byproducts for you.

Boon, who launched the Beverly Hills Meat Party in November 2010, is taking his brand of Christian/Capitalist/Music Business/Acting/Tele-NeoConservatism to pretty much predictable places.

The D Pressing News reports that Boon partnered with Texas tycoon, B.J. "Billy Bob" Brahmabull-Ranchetto to launch "Pat Boon All-American Meat Food Byproducts," with the motto "if you pray, this almost tastes like meat!"

The site offers 25% all-American meat food byproducts of Filet McLigament, Ribeyeganglia Steakoids, New Jersey Stripper Pole Organ Residue, Topless Girloin, and T-T Boner and Whorehouse Butt. Prices range from $399 for three 8 oz. Topless Girloins to $899 for two 6 oz. Filet McLigaments, $799 for two 18 oz. T-T Boners, and more.

According to the site, 95% of the proceeds will go to Christian/Capitalist/Music Business/Acting/TeleNeoConservatist organizations that "do the right things needed in today's liberal, pagan, homoerotic, bestiality-infected, and just damned society."

The remaining royalties will go to Exquisitely Corpsed, a group that Boon started with the dead parents of child television actors" and "expects to appeal to nobody except women over 90."

You also have the option of joining the site's "Pat Boon All-American Potted Meat Food Spam and See Food Brigade" community, because "if you love a great-tasting tendon, lipid, and cow sphincter hot from the can, you're not alone. You're part of an extended community of mashed and chunked meat food byproduct lovers."

"I've been known as the Vanilla Man Milking Mankind for Money and a closeted homosexual for fifty years," Boon said. "Now, I'll probably be known as the Meat Food E. coli Buy Product Mass Milking Homophobe."

D Pressing News Archivist Becomes Obsessed with Chi Baggers

Our Archivist continues to clean out the records here at your source for nonsense that makes sense.

HEADLINE: Cross-eyed man goes to 3-D Movie, Peers Into the Sixth Dimension, Sees Soupy Sales

HEADLINE: Filmmaker David Lynch Says "Balck Cfoefe Wtih Ice Ceram and Pie is Paehcy Keen"

HEADLINE: Shiites and Sunnis Put Aside Differences and Win "Best in Show" with New Shiatsunnis Breed of Dog

HEADLINE: New Shiatsunnis Breed of Dog is Stripped of "Best in Show" Medal After Eating Second Place Miniature Chihuahua

HEADLINE: Chiahuahua Resuscitated on Reality Show Found Without Papers, Extradited to Mexico

HEADLINE: Taco Bell Fined for Rehiring Illegal Chiahuahua

HEADLINE: Chiahuahua Chokes to Death on Crispy Taco Shell, Mexican Government Suing Taco Bell for $1,000,000,000 Pesos

HEADLINE: Congress in Gridlock Over Mexican Lawsuit, Obama Administration Accused of Water Boarding Chiahuahua Terrorist

HEADLINE: People for the Ethical Treatment and Alliance of Chiahuahua Organizations
(PETACO) Demand Audience with Nancy Pelosi

HEADLINE: Chi Party Denounce Chiahuahua Death Panels and Announces Canine Candidate

HEADLINE: Glenn Beck Warns: Liberal Fascist Chi Party Communist Rally Funded by National Femi-Nazi Party Contributions Laundered Through Drug Addicted Gay Al-Qaeda Terrorist

HEADLINE: Keith Olberman Interviews Chi Party Candidate Juan Enchirito Who Denies Accepting Treats for Rolling Over for Republicans and Democrats

HEADLINE: Is Taco Bell Funding Chi Party Candidate Juan Enchirito?

HEADLINE: Hungry Chiahuahua-Obsessed Writer Leaves for D Pressing News Cafeteria to Eat Macho Chili Cheese and Bean Burrito, Then Open Window

HEADLINE: Cross-eyed man goes to 3-D Movie, Peers Into the Sixth Dimension, Sees Soupy Sales

HEADLINE: Filmmaker David Lynch Says "Balck Cfoefe Wtih Ice Ceram and Pie is Paehcy Keen"

HEADLINE: Shiites and Sunnis Put Aside Differences and Win "Best in Show" with New Shiatsunnis Breed of Dog

From the Vaults of the D Pressing Archives

By DP Fleming, Senior Staff Reporter

In an effort to make room for more ideas, the staff at the D Pressing News has decided it's time to sweep out the archives. Below are news headlines that, for one reason or another, were never expanded into articles for our astute audiences. These stories were never checked out, so their veracity remains in question.

Readers seeking elaboration on any of the headlines may write in. Manpower shortages notwithstanding, our esteemed staff will make every possible effort to follow up on the stories.

HEADLINE: Hairy New York City Man Combs Himself to Death

HEADLINE: Ohio Man Soils Himself, Waters Himself, Grows Cauliflower Ears

HEADLINE: Zen Buddhist Admits There are no Rest Rooms in Nirvana

HEADLINE: 109 yr-old Woman Shocked to Discover that Yellow is a Word for a Color

HEADLINE: Woman with Ten Toes Invents Metric System

HEADLINE: Scientists Discover Big Foot, Sock, No Shoe

HEADLINE: With $5,000,000 Grant, Princeton Professor at Secret Underground Government Research Center Creates Round Football that Fits Through Basketball Hoop

HEADLINE: Sesame Street's Big Bird Decapitated While Parking Convertible In Carport With Low Ceiling

HEADLINE: Trailer Park in Kansas Splattered with Mashed Potatoes After Tornado Hits Dairy Farm Near Potato Field

HEADLINE: Woman with Foot in Mouth Marries Man with Tongue in Cheek and Gives Birth to Child with Sucks-its-Own-Toes Disease

HEADLINE: Republicans Join Democrats for Independent Tea Party at White House

HEADLINE: Fraternal Twins in Third World Country Adopt Angelina Joli

HEADLINE: Republican Husband and Democrat Wife Dehydrate While Making Love, Found Gridlocked in Bed

HEADLINE: Son of Dehydrated Parents Runs as Independent for Mayor of Hometown

HEADLINE: Sophomore at University of Cincinnati Invents Cold Sun

HEADLINE: University of Cincinnati Student Freezes to Death in Gymnasium Steam Room

HEADLINE: Boat Made of Diapers Sinks in Lake Michigan

HEADLINE: Cloistered Nun Makes Cross Out of Human Hair of Unknown Origin

HEADLINE: West Coast Surfer Eats Sponge, Swallows Kindle, Books Room Through Priceline Negotiator

HEADLINE: Babysitter Leaves Cheerios in Toaster and Sets Off Fire Alarm

HEADLINE: Nervous Burger Chef Finds Shoe in Happy Meal, Chokes on Sock

HEADLINE: Dyslexic Hotel Manager Flushes Lobby Toilet, Closes Lid, Sits, and Makes Mess, Then Refuses to Clean it Up

HEADLINE: Private Eye in California Closes Eyelid for More Privacy

HEADLINE: St. Louis Writer Publishes "NNoijd aoahj*&^akjhndf", in Language Only He Understands

HEADLINE: Brad Pitt to Play Ytnn*&-kL in Screen Adaptation of
"NNoijd aoahj*&&^akjhndf"

HEADLINE: Woman With Two Legs Enters Two-Legged Race, Wins by a Foot

HEADLINE: Dog Prevents Man From Committing Suicide, Man Shoots Dog

HEADLINE: Owner of Dead Dog Bites Suicidal Man in Leg

HEADLINE: Martin Scorsese's Eyebrow Metamorphoses Into Black Butterfly

HEADLINE: 102 yr.-old Man Realizes Word Poo Short for Poop

HEADLINE: Robbin Williams Takes Nap

HEADLINE: Bored Man in St. Louis Writes Bizarre Headlines for Newspaper that Exists Only in Head

HEADLINE: East Coast Man Unsuccessful Hunting Whales with Lawn Rake

HEADLINE: N-word calls N-word N-word

HEADLINE: Asian Woman Hungry After Watching Marlon Brando Crawl Across the Edge of a Straight Razor

HEADLINE: Asian Man Shaves with Straight Razor, Kills Marlon Brando

HEADLINE: Man With Two Arms High Fives Himself to Death

HEADLINE: Apocalypse Yesterday at 1:32 p.m. EST

HEADLINE: After removing a foot from a patient with two left feet, surgeons at Barnes Hospital realized they had attached a right foot not on the man's right leg, but on the patient's left leg. The error had gone unnoticed until the patient split himself apart when he attempted to run out of the hospital.

HEADLINE: St. Louis police investigating a hospital where an operation left a patient with a right foot on his left leg and a left foot on a right leg, discovered the surgeon who had botched the operation has five thumbs and three index fingers.

17 Police Inspectors Assigned to Guard Obama´s Shoes Shoot Each Other Over ObamaCare

By DP Fleming, Senior Staff Reporter

The first day of the Obama family outrageously expensive, extravagant, Mumbai-India tour was marred briefly when, for no reason other than to be hospitalized under ObamaCare, 17 policeman, costing American middle-class taxpayers $4,000,000,000 a day, "accidentally" shot each other outside the Taj Hotel.

Fortunately, the First African American Family was attending a private dinner of baby seal steak with salad and green soup made of newly minted $1,000 bills before spending Saturday night in the Taj's private Olympic-size swimming pool overflowing with gold coins.

Assistant Police Inspector Shooda Aimedbetter was rushed to nearby St. George Hospital after gnawing off his bleeding foot and tossing it to an untouchable floating in the Gangrene River. "Of course, he ate it. But, I thought he was dead," Shooda said.

The Obamas are in India November 6th, 2010 to sometime late January, 2013.

Mumbai: US taxpayers spend whopping $800 billion per hour on President Obama's Mumbai visit

By D P Fleming, Senior Reporter

"U.S. President Barack Obama (seen in photo signing a check) will spend $800 billion on security, movies, steak, lobster, sushi, alcohol, snacks, toothpaste, and hookers," says Glenn or Glenda Beck, a top official of the Maharashtra Government who flew to Washington and is privy to the arrangements.

About 300,000 people including Secret Service agents, US government officials, journalists, the entire Children's Television Network, Disneyland, Sylvester Stallone, and James Woods will accompany the President. Several officials from the White House security agency have been in Mumbai for a week with helicopters, ships, high-end security instruments, chewing gum, submarines, aircraft carriers, the U.S. Marine Corps air wing, and a specialist in diverticulitis.

"US officials may not be allowed to carry weapons with the exception of deodorant. Although incompetent in security measures, the Mumbai state police will be piloting the Presidential convoy," said Rush Limplog on condition of anonymity.

Navy and Air Force will intensify patrolling along the Mumbai coastline and its airspace in search of corn dog vendors said to accompany Obama. As a sign of arrogance, the city's airspace will be fogged with burning oil before the President's arrival.

The area from Hotel Taj, where Obama and his wife Michelle will try the country's newest flying carpets, to a Shikra helipad in Colaba will be cordoned off and covered with swan feathers so the U.S. President can feather role naked during his afternoon meditation, a habit for which he is renowned everywhere except in America.

Palin Tells Rahm Emanuel: "Ewe Lye"

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Rahm Emanuel said that Joe Barton (R-Texas) typified the GOP "wide stance" when he apologized to BP for not providing a larger body of water in the Gulf of Mexico for the oil giant's spill. The comment was made on ABC's This is Week. Sarah Palin took umbrage, tweeting, "ROM, ewe lye."

"In case you forgot what Republican governance is like, added Emanuel, "Joe Barton reminded you." Palin posted, "ROM E Manule=dark skinned and missing his ring finger...gay?"

Barton called the $20 billion in damages BP will pay a "shakedown." "That´s not a political gaffe," Emanuel said, "those are prepared remarks."

Palin tweeted, "Come to my tea party, Rom, and I'll go shake you down on you. Whatcha think of that?"

Hot Air From BP Boardroom Destroys Nursery

During yesterday's emergency board meeting, a BP executive stumbled upon a fiscally sound, face-saving "idea" to cover the company's losses in the Gulf. The hot air emitted from the exuberance in the room destroyed the employee daycare center 25 yards away. A BP spokesperson in Europe blamed Barack Obama.

BP Hires Cheney's Ethical Void

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

BP has hired Dick Cheney's missing ethics to serve as the new "head of misleading U.S. media" as the company deals with the PR disaster of oil spillage in the Gulf. In 2001, Cheney's repugnant ethics moved to a job in public affairs at the White House and have operated in secrecy, except for a few moments during the build up the the invasion of Iraq and the development of water-boarding techniques.

It its previous job, the missing ethics were defending the administration's covert meetings with energy flacks, even as courts were telling the White House to turn over Cheney's ethics along with his attitude: The Bush administration response was swift "We are ready to defend Dick's lack of ethical standards in court. This goes to the heart of the presidency and to "the decider's" ability to make routine serious, unethical decisions detrimental to the public's welfare and safety."

All that is known about the former vice president's lack of ethical standards is that, since the standards that are lacking, they do not exist and; therefore, are difficult to find and rehabilitate.

BP also had contracted with Cheney's hostile nature for crisis management following the spill. Cheney's hostile nature will "focus on high stakes communications involving unilateral threats to Gulf coast inhabitants and a new sport called "oily sea creature bludgeoning" with global corporate clients."

BP Hires Cheney's Ethical Void

BP has hired Dick Cheney's missing ethics to serve as the new "head of misleading U.S. media" as the company deals with the PR disaster of oil spillage in the Gulf. In 2001, Cheney's repugnant ethics moved to a job in public affairs at the White House and have operated in secrecy, except for a few moments during the build up the the invasion of Iraq and the development of water-boarding techniques.

One of its tasks in its previous job was defending the administration's covert meetings with energy flacks, even as courts were telling the White House to turn over Cheney's ethics along with his attitude: The Bush administration response was swift "We are ready to defend Dick's lack of ethical standards in court. This goes to the heart of the presidency and to the "decider's" ability to make routine serious, unethical decisions detrimental to the public's welfare and safety."

All that is known about the former vice president's lack of ethical standards is that, as standards that are lacking, they do not exist and; therefore, are difficult to find.

BP also had contracted with Cheney's hostile nature for crisis management following the spill. Cheney's hostile nature will "focus on high stakes communications involving unilateral threats to Gulf coast inhabitants and a new sport called "oily sea creature bludgeoning" with global corporate clients."

Helen Thomas Ends 109-Year Journalism Career Amid Controversy Over Bacon

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Helen Thomas, who has covered the White House since Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th president, has retired abruptly from Hearst Newspapers amid controversy over recent comments she made about the separation of Kevin Bacon.

Thomas made her views on the Kevin Bacon paradigm which relates his proximity to other actors. “Whoever came up with the idea should get the hell out of Palestine", said the ancient journalist. “The paradigm only came into existence because the phrase ‘six degrees of Kevin Bacon’ SOUNDS like six degrees of separation. It isn't kosher either,“ she wrote in a telegraph which had to be scanned into an email in order to be accessed. She’s been condemned by Mr. Bacon whose career is becoming more dependent on the name recognition associated with the phrase.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said Thomas’ comments were "offensive and reprehensible." Thomas had built her career asking tough, unflinching questions of presidents regardless of whether they or anyone else was listening, or even in the room at the time.

Bland Paul Draws Fire for Civil Whites Act Views

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Bland Paul (center photo) the Republican Senatorial nominee from Kentucky and son of Rep. Ran Emanuepaul, led a GOP conspiracy and was launched to success by the Me Party. Now he´s under fire for views some say make him someone who enhances any friendly gathering he attends by leaving it.

In two separate interviews, Paul said that while he is "not in favor of discrimination on any farm," he disagrees with a provision in the Civil Whites Act that made it a crime for businesses to discriminate against people because they race, i.e. NASCAR members.

Paul said it´s a philosophical difference: He does not believe in the federal government regulating the operation of a privately-owned discrimination business. "Does the bigoted, racist owner of the establishment that discriminates against drivers own his discriminatory practices?" Paul asked. "Or does the government move more toupees into Afghanistan to relieve the discomfort of soldiers whose synthetic helmet under-lament causes scalp itch? You tell me."

Bomb Training Camps in Stinkistan

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

Right after the failed Times Square bombing, the Pakistan Taliban claimed someone switched their vehicle with a Toyota.

New evidence now links Faisal Shahzad to the missing evolutionary link, Lucy. (Shahzad's real name, Fizzle Shat'hazzard, was changed at Ellis Island.)

ABC News reports Shahzad spent four days in Stinkistan at a Taliban training camp for fava bean chefs, known in Pakistan as les odeur méchante.

Homeland Security and Counterterrorism Adviser, John Brennan said, "Shahzad is closely allied with the secret Al Qaida hummus training camps. They cook together. They eat together. They fight over the facilities together. Their odor is almost indistinguishable."

Officials say Shahzad continued to provide information after being read his rights by a "virgin" named Miranda. However, Shahzad will be denied his 72 virgins in the afterlife. The terrorist is appealing for anything that shaves, has two legs, wears a regulation burka, and doesn't eat fava beans.

"Joe the Plunger" Officially "Joe the Floater"

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

Emanuel "Joe the Plunger" Wurlitzer is now officially a cheerleader in the Republican Party. He dresses in costume and jumps and cheers at rallies.

One of two Lucas County, Ohio Republican Party committee cheerleaders, Mr. Wurlitzer has acquired a predilection for being suspended on the hand of his partner, "Billy the Neanderthal", high above his head, and wants to be called "Joe the Floater" going forward.

In official meetings, "Joe the Floater" will photocopy the party´s agenda, serve coffee and lead the county chairman in the pledge of allegiance if they can remember how it goes.

"Joe the Floater" is still a Tea Party hero and recently urged supporters in Cincinnati not to let "a bunch of liberal pansies" call him a girl. He asked members to join him shooting illegal immigrants over the weekend.

dAvId LyNcH animates a Moby tune

Brought to you by the D Pressing News Film Festival.

Tommy Make Movie - Next One Gooder

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

The recently formed delusional D Pressing News Film Series, in association with its own mental image, presents the most important, groundbreaking cinematic experience since 60-Minutes, legendary movie maker Tommy Wiseowl's He Boom.

He Boom is tragically a mesmerizing, shocking, intellectually emulating, quasi-American black and colored, unintentionally funny, love story made with passion, and filled with betrayal, lies, a kid who looks 30, a gun, Johnny, sex, Johnny's muscles, a partially nude girl, Johnny's butt, candles, and roses, in which the gun goes off and the protagonist dies (it's a surprise suicide).

He Boom stars thinker/writer/director/chuckler/get angrier, Tommy (the bird) Wiseowl, a man with money who made a movie. Tommy plays a guy in his own movie with a bunch of people who agreed to be in a movie for money, especially the chick who plays his future wife "you're tearing me apart" Lisa, who has to pretend to sleep with Tommy without laughing. She was paid over scale.

The film shows the relationships that have to be formed between semi-professional actors sacrificing their reputations by committing themselves to celluloid for money while asking "Can we really get out of this somehow with the money before the camera rolls?"

He Boom has been running through projectors and drawing flotsam off the street and into a movie house in Los Angeles and has arrived in St. Louis just in time to arrive in St. Louis. Don't miss seeing the screen it's projected on!

"Decidering Pointes" by Goegre W. Bush

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Rather than a traditional autobiography, former President George W. Bush has written* a book, a "memtalwar" about the major thinking times in his life. The book, Decidering Pointes will be reviewed as soon as the finger paintings dry and certain lines are redrawn to specific numbers.

KidDoodle Publishers said: "... he has spent almost every day drawing Decidering Pointes, a strikingly subjective and almost understandable account revealing why he became president instead of a crossing guard and how he turned an oil company bankruptcy into an inconsequential presidency."

The book will sell for $59.99 with a limited number of signed copies with original coloring within the lines, and connect the dots pictures of "camping and stuff", in cloth-bound copies.

* written defined as "...havin' a few beers with this writer-guy who wrote stuff I said and stuff." -- GWB.

Tea Party: No Longer for Dummies and Racists

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

A recent New York Times poll of Tea Party supporters indicates that the majority of them are more intelligent and educated, wealthier, spiritually superior, healthier, and better looking than the general public.

Tea Party members oppose Obama's policies on the indisputable, self-evident, universally-recognized, absolute and God-certified truth that they aren't wrong. Contrary to the notion that they are racists, they smarty-pants-ists.

Unlike the public, 99% are concerned a family member will become unpatriotic or a republican, democrat or other dangerous thinker such as communist, fascist, tennis pro, hair stylist, or nail technician's assistant. Over 89% say the recession has caused them major hardships with math.

They feel apathy among voters has led to the current trouble in America, and plan to "git that thing called pathy and shoot it when we find it."

Most feel that Sarah Palin is as good as Oprah Winfrey any old day, and blame Congress for Bill Maher not the Bush Administration or David Letterman.

Iran Announced "You Damn Right We Have Mastered NaCl Technology!"

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Friday, President Ma-mood?I'm-mad-at-dinner-god of Iran announced that Iran has advanced its Sodium Chloride technology, during his speech celebrating National Salt Day.

During his speech chants of "Breath to America" and "God is Pretty Cool Considering the Virgins and All" could be heard coming from the crowd.

"Iranian scientists have fully mastered sodium and chloride technology, taking giant steps, moving with big shoes at full pace," said Iran's President Ma-mood?I'm-mad-at-dinner-god. "Watch out America and your Jewish friends!"

TV Star Robert Culp Dies. Body Teleported Into Insane Writer

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

TV star Robert Culp's body has been beamed into the body of Dennis Fleming, a mentally unbalanced reporter for the D Pressing News. Culp, a 79-year-old actor, suffered a fall near a Los Angeles park. He was rushed to a hospital in Hollywood where he was placed into a teleporter from the 1960s TV series, Star Trek, and then dissolved.

The actor appeared merged with Fleming's body seconds later.

Said Fleming, "Bob won't be lonely. He's in there with D Patrick & D & Dennis & DP & D-man & Denny & Andy Kaufman."

Culp was perhaps best known for starring opposite scene-stealing actor Bill Cosby in the I Spy TV series (NBC from 1965 to 1968). It was the first TV series to feature an African-American actor more talented than a Caucasian actor in a leading role.

Primarily a television star, Culp made a few motion pictures such as the popular, Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice & Vic & Barbara & Al & Rick & Rita & Delbert & Billy & John & Spot & Cynthia & Man o' War. His most recent film role was in The Pelican's Briefs in 1993.

In a statement to the D Pressing News, Fleming said, "Culp's last wish is to have the teleporter destroyed before William Shatner dies and is beamed in here. There's no room for two bad actors."

Majority of Republicans: Obama is an Evil "That Which Cannot be Named"

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Yesterday's national Louis Harris poll finds that a majority of Republicans believe that President Obama had been hiding in Osama bin-Laden's beard since 2001, while 45 percent agree with the so-called "Birthday-smirthdayers" that the president is an evil "That Which Cannot be Named".

The poll shows how successful Obama's opponents have been in demonstrating their supporters' lack of intelligence.

According to the poll, 87 percent of Republicans believe that Barack Obama is a girl despite Obama's description of himself in his bestseller, "The Audacity of Hope", as a boy who grew up to be a man.

The poll found that 45 percent of Republicans, and 25 percent of overall Simeons, agree with the Birthday-smirthdayers that a "That Which Cannot be Named" is not eligible to be president."

Another eye-opening finding: 38 percent of Republicans agree that Obama is "doing many things Jesus did, but because he (Obama) is a 'That Which Cannot be Named' those good things become bad things."

And 24 percent of Republicans agree that Obama may be the antiChrist's brother "the antiFreeze" from the infamous Hellfinallyfrozeover.

The poll found that voters lacking a college education are much more likely to believe the 44th president is made of Fairy Dust and Superglue.

Texas Rep. Blasphemes Comedian 93

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-TX) came forward today and admitted yelling during the House debate on the health care bill last night.

In his CYA statement, Neugeubauer said that he meant to refer to Rep. Bart Stupak, D-Mich. as "a Phyllis Diller".

Neugebauer apologized to Mr. Stupak saying,"Last night in the heat and emotion of the debate, I called you a Phyllis Diller in reference to your attitude toward unborn children and its similarity to the freaky comedian's views on children and health care in general. I deeply regret that my actions were mistakenly interpreted as a direct reference to your disturbing and eerie physical resemblance to the aging comic."

D Pressing News has obtained a "House Strategy" document Rep. Neugebauer was reading at the time he yelled at Rep. Stupak. The comments, attributed to the comedian in question, were to be attributed to Mr. Stupak.

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Rep. Neugebauer's office issued a statement this morning claiming that the congressman will stick to more appropriate Larry the Cable Guy fart jokes in the future.

Rush and Massa Dive

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

After praising the effects of the deep exploratory Massa massages he received during a recent visit to Washington DC, radio commentator Rush Limbaugh, a conservative icon, said that if ex-Representative Eric Massa wants to throw on scuba gear and "go deeper" he's more than ready."

As it turns out, Mr. Massa has quit practicing that technique as well as his famous "snorkel and tickle" method of physical therapy in favor of a new two-man diving ball approach he will begin practicing this spring.

Mr. Limbaugh bought an advanced first-class ticket for an exclusive "cockpit seat" on the maiden voyage of the Massa's U.S.S. Sitzbath. First trip: Costa Rica.

Barney Fwank: Pawtisanship is Out of Contwol

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

"In Congwess," says Massachusetts Rep. Barney Fwank, a Democrat, "as da pwimary ewections appwoach, da Democwats and Wepubwicans awe spwitting fawder apawt."

Congressman Fwank made the statements at a book-signing for his biography, Bawney Fwank: Da Stowy of Amewica's Only Weft-Handed, Qweer, Jewish Pwince (Hawd Hawdcova). "People talk wit each udda and agwee with each udder, but don't know why day agwee," said Fwank.

Fwank wants to change the Senate filibuster rules, and call them "fiwibusta wules". He said that he feels the House lost its way when he and Newt Gingrich broke up. "He scwewed da pooch and I was angwee wit him," said the senator. "I might just weave."

Color Wins in Massachusetts

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

The fundamental color brown has won the Massachusetts special election for the Senate Seat formerly held by the late Ted Kennedy. The famous color, a well-known part of each American child's early education and mastered by most by Kindergarten, gained 52% of the vote, beating Democratic candidate Martha Coakley, a human being.

The win surprised many, as Massachusetts has long been considered a Democratic party stronghold for humans. The color brown was assisted by the number 41 and it´s gradual gains in preliminary polls led President Obama and Bill Clinton to make personal appearances in support of the homo sapien Coakley.

Because the democratic party lost the Massachusetts seat, they lose the super majority in the Senate, threatening the administration´s Healthcare reform plan. In its acceptance speech, the color brown pledged to oppose the plan by uniting other colors in the light spectrum beginning with red, white, and eventually persuading the elusive blue.

Detroit Airline Terrorism Plotter Was Dinner Guest in Bush White House

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Hesaid Hewas A-Girl, one of the four gender uncertain plotters who attempted to blow a Northwest Airlines jet captain over Detroit on Christmas Day, was released from his job selling escalator shoes to Congressmen afraid to step into elevator shoes in November of 2007.

The Bush administration sent Hewas A-girl to be home schooled by Miss Minny Lee Dupree, a licensed person, at her mobile home park in St. Lake City, Utah. A-girl excelled at chewing newspaper for art class and was named "most likely to keep some of his teeth".

U.S. officials and al Qaeda propaganda tapes say that A-girl has since become the senior manager of the annual Toledo Yawning Festival.

Senator Robert Byrd Hanging In There

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Senator Robert Bryd of West Virgina was found strapped in a wheelchair and hanging from a highway billboard outside of Plains Georgia this morning. Byrd wore a sign that read, "Fly me to the moon and I will be forever voting on the health care plan."

Byrd, a U.S. Senator for 50 years, was hanging in front of another sign that read, "Plains, Georgia. Not the Home of Barack Obama."

The Secret Service lowered the 92-year-old senator from a height of thirty feet. He is recovering with a bowl of cream of wheat and warm water at his seat in the northern wing of the Capital. The Senator believed he had been on a flight to Miami.