Sunday, November 7, 2010

From the Vaults of the D Pressing Archives

By DP Fleming, Senior Staff Reporter

In an effort to make room for more ideas, the staff at the D Pressing News has decided it's time to sweep out the archives. Below are news headlines that, for one reason or another, were never expanded into articles for our astute audiences. These stories were never checked out, so their veracity remains in question.

Readers seeking elaboration on any of the headlines may write in. Manpower shortages notwithstanding, our esteemed staff will make every possible effort to follow up on the stories.

HEADLINE: Hairy New York City Man Combs Himself to Death

HEADLINE: Ohio Man Soils Himself, Waters Himself, Grows Cauliflower Ears

HEADLINE: Zen Buddhist Admits There are no Rest Rooms in Nirvana

HEADLINE: 109 yr-old Woman Shocked to Discover that Yellow is a Word for a Color

HEADLINE: Woman with Ten Toes Invents Metric System

HEADLINE: Scientists Discover Big Foot, Sock, No Shoe

HEADLINE: With $5,000,000 Grant, Princeton Professor at Secret Underground Government Research Center Creates Round Football that Fits Through Basketball Hoop

HEADLINE: Sesame Street's Big Bird Decapitated While Parking Convertible In Carport With Low Ceiling

HEADLINE: Trailer Park in Kansas Splattered with Mashed Potatoes After Tornado Hits Dairy Farm Near Potato Field

HEADLINE: Woman with Foot in Mouth Marries Man with Tongue in Cheek and Gives Birth to Child with Sucks-its-Own-Toes Disease

HEADLINE: Republicans Join Democrats for Independent Tea Party at White House

HEADLINE: Fraternal Twins in Third World Country Adopt Angelina Joli

HEADLINE: Republican Husband and Democrat Wife Dehydrate While Making Love, Found Gridlocked in Bed

HEADLINE: Son of Dehydrated Parents Runs as Independent for Mayor of Hometown

HEADLINE: Sophomore at University of Cincinnati Invents Cold Sun

HEADLINE: University of Cincinnati Student Freezes to Death in Gymnasium Steam Room

HEADLINE: Boat Made of Diapers Sinks in Lake Michigan

HEADLINE: Cloistered Nun Makes Cross Out of Human Hair of Unknown Origin

HEADLINE: West Coast Surfer Eats Sponge, Swallows Kindle, Books Room Through Priceline Negotiator

HEADLINE: Babysitter Leaves Cheerios in Toaster and Sets Off Fire Alarm

HEADLINE: Nervous Burger Chef Finds Shoe in Happy Meal, Chokes on Sock

HEADLINE: Dyslexic Hotel Manager Flushes Lobby Toilet, Closes Lid, Sits, and Makes Mess, Then Refuses to Clean it Up

HEADLINE: Private Eye in California Closes Eyelid for More Privacy

HEADLINE: St. Louis Writer Publishes "NNoijd aoahj*&^akjhndf", in Language Only He Understands

HEADLINE: Brad Pitt to Play Ytnn*&-kL in Screen Adaptation of
"NNoijd aoahj*&&^akjhndf"

HEADLINE: Woman With Two Legs Enters Two-Legged Race, Wins by a Foot

HEADLINE: Dog Prevents Man From Committing Suicide, Man Shoots Dog

HEADLINE: Owner of Dead Dog Bites Suicidal Man in Leg

HEADLINE: Martin Scorsese's Eyebrow Metamorphoses Into Black Butterfly

HEADLINE: 102 yr.-old Man Realizes Word Poo Short for Poop

HEADLINE: Robbin Williams Takes Nap

HEADLINE: Bored Man in St. Louis Writes Bizarre Headlines for Newspaper that Exists Only in Head

HEADLINE: East Coast Man Unsuccessful Hunting Whales with Lawn Rake

HEADLINE: N-word calls N-word N-word

HEADLINE: Asian Woman Hungry After Watching Marlon Brando Crawl Across the Edge of a Straight Razor

HEADLINE: Asian Man Shaves with Straight Razor, Kills Marlon Brando

HEADLINE: Man With Two Arms High Fives Himself to Death

HEADLINE: Apocalypse Yesterday at 1:32 p.m. EST

HEADLINE: After removing a foot from a patient with two left feet, surgeons at Barnes Hospital realized they had attached a right foot not on the man's right leg, but on the patient's left leg. The error had gone unnoticed until the patient split himself apart when he attempted to run out of the hospital.

HEADLINE: St. Louis police investigating a hospital where an operation left a patient with a right foot on his left leg and a left foot on a right leg, discovered the surgeon who had botched the operation has five thumbs and three index fingers.


Gerry Mandel said...

My God, Dennis, you have enough ideas here for a whole years' worth of articles. Don't pitch them. Start an on-line school for people who are seriously off center and want to cope by writing humor. I used to have a day by day calendar for The Onion and got a tremendous kick from reading the headlines. That feeling returned as I read yours. At least do the one about Martin Scorcese's eyebrows. Brilliant.

Dennis Fleming said...

Thanks Gerry. The headline demons are upon me.