By DP Fleming, Senior Staff Reporter
In an effort to make room for more ideas, the staff at the D Pressing News has decided it's time to sweep out the archives. Below are news headlines that, for one reason or another, were never expanded into articles for our astute audiences. These stories were never checked out, so their veracity remains in question.
Readers seeking elaboration on any of the headlines may write in. Manpower shortages notwithstanding, our esteemed staff will make every possible effort to follow up on the stories.
HEADLINE: Hairy New York City Man Combs Himself to Death
HEADLINE: Ohio Man Soils Himself, Waters Himself, Grows Cauliflower Ears
HEADLINE: Zen Buddhist Admits There are no Rest Rooms in Nirvana
HEADLINE: 109 yr-old Woman Shocked to Discover that Yellow is a Word for a Color
HEADLINE: Woman with Ten Toes Invents Metric System
HEADLINE: Scientists Discover Big Foot, Sock, No Shoe
HEADLINE: With $5,000,000 Grant, Princeton Professor at Secret Underground Government Research Center Creates Round Football that Fits Through Basketball Hoop
HEADLINE: Sesame Street's Big Bird Decapitated While Parking Convertible In Carport With Low Ceiling
HEADLINE: Trailer Park in Kansas Splattered with Mashed Potatoes After Tornado Hits Dairy Farm Near Potato Field
HEADLINE: Woman with Foot in Mouth Marries Man with Tongue in Cheek and Gives Birth to Child with Sucks-its-Own-Toes Disease
HEADLINE: Republicans Join Democrats for Independent Tea Party at White House
HEADLINE: Fraternal Twins in Third World Country Adopt Angelina Joli
HEADLINE: Republican Husband and Democrat Wife Dehydrate While Making Love, Found Gridlocked in Bed
HEADLINE: Son of Dehydrated Parents Runs as Independent for Mayor of Hometown
HEADLINE: Sophomore at University of Cincinnati Invents Cold Sun
HEADLINE: University of Cincinnati Student Freezes to Death in Gymnasium Steam Room
HEADLINE: Boat Made of Diapers Sinks in Lake Michigan
HEADLINE: Cloistered Nun Makes Cross Out of Human Hair of Unknown Origin
HEADLINE: West Coast Surfer Eats Sponge, Swallows Kindle, Books Room Through Priceline Negotiator
HEADLINE: Babysitter Leaves Cheerios in Toaster and Sets Off Fire Alarm
HEADLINE: Nervous Burger Chef Finds Shoe in Happy Meal, Chokes on Sock
HEADLINE: Dyslexic Hotel Manager Flushes Lobby Toilet, Closes Lid, Sits, and Makes Mess, Then Refuses to Clean it Up
HEADLINE: Private Eye in California Closes Eyelid for More Privacy
HEADLINE: St. Louis Writer Publishes "NNoijd aoahj*&^akjhndf", in Language Only He Understands
HEADLINE: Brad Pitt to Play Ytnn*&-kL in Screen Adaptation of
"NNoijd aoahj*&&^akjhndf"
HEADLINE: Woman With Two Legs Enters Two-Legged Race, Wins by a Foot
HEADLINE: Dog Prevents Man From Committing Suicide, Man Shoots Dog
HEADLINE: Owner of Dead Dog Bites Suicidal Man in Leg
HEADLINE: Martin Scorsese's Eyebrow Metamorphoses Into Black Butterfly
HEADLINE: 102 yr.-old Man Realizes Word Poo Short for Poop
HEADLINE: Robbin Williams Takes Nap
HEADLINE: Bored Man in St. Louis Writes Bizarre Headlines for Newspaper that Exists Only in Head
HEADLINE: East Coast Man Unsuccessful Hunting Whales with Lawn Rake
HEADLINE: N-word calls N-word N-word
HEADLINE: Asian Woman Hungry After Watching Marlon Brando Crawl Across the Edge of a Straight Razor
HEADLINE: Asian Man Shaves with Straight Razor, Kills Marlon Brando
HEADLINE: Man With Two Arms High Fives Himself to Death
HEADLINE: Apocalypse Yesterday at 1:32 p.m. EST
HEADLINE: After removing a foot from a patient with two left feet, surgeons at Barnes Hospital realized they had attached a right foot not on the man's right leg, but on the patient's left leg. The error had gone unnoticed until the patient split himself apart when he attempted to run out of the hospital.
HEADLINE: St. Louis police investigating a hospital where an operation left a patient with a right foot on his left leg and a left foot on a right leg, discovered the surgeon who had botched the operation has five thumbs and three index fingers.
"D" PRESSING NEWS IS NEWS SKEWERED BY DENNIS FLEMING AND HIS ALTER EGO, ANDY ASHLING.
2 comments:
My God, Dennis, you have enough ideas here for a whole years' worth of articles. Don't pitch them. Start an on-line school for people who are seriously off center and want to cope by writing humor. I used to have a day by day calendar for The Onion and got a tremendous kick from reading the headlines. That feeling returned as I read yours. At least do the one about Martin Scorcese's eyebrows. Brilliant.
Thanks Gerry. The headline demons are upon me.
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