Thursday, March 25, 2010

TV Star Robert Culp Dies. Body Teleported Into Insane Writer

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

TV star Robert Culp's body has been beamed into the body of Dennis Fleming, a mentally unbalanced reporter for the D Pressing News. Culp, a 79-year-old actor, suffered a fall near a Los Angeles park. He was rushed to a hospital in Hollywood where he was placed into a teleporter from the 1960s TV series, Star Trek, and then dissolved.

The actor appeared merged with Fleming's body seconds later.

Said Fleming, "Bob won't be lonely. He's in there with D Patrick & D & Dennis & DP & D-man & Denny & Andy Kaufman."

Culp was perhaps best known for starring opposite scene-stealing actor Bill Cosby in the I Spy TV series (NBC from 1965 to 1968). It was the first TV series to feature an African-American actor more talented than a Caucasian actor in a leading role.

Primarily a television star, Culp made a few motion pictures such as the popular, Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice & Vic & Barbara & Al & Rick & Rita & Delbert & Billy & John & Spot & Cynthia & Man o' War. His most recent film role was in The Pelican's Briefs in 1993.

In a statement to the D Pressing News, Fleming said, "Culp's last wish is to have the teleporter destroyed before William Shatner dies and is beamed in here. There's no room for two bad actors."

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Majority of Republicans: Obama is an Evil "That Which Cannot be Named"

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Yesterday's national Louis Harris poll finds that a majority of Republicans believe that President Obama had been hiding in Osama bin-Laden's beard since 2001, while 45 percent agree with the so-called "Birthday-smirthdayers" that the president is an evil "That Which Cannot be Named".

The poll shows how successful Obama's opponents have been in demonstrating their supporters' lack of intelligence.

According to the poll, 87 percent of Republicans believe that Barack Obama is a girl despite Obama's description of himself in his bestseller, "The Audacity of Hope", as a boy who grew up to be a man.

The poll found that 45 percent of Republicans, and 25 percent of overall Simeons, agree with the Birthday-smirthdayers that a "That Which Cannot be Named" is not eligible to be president."

Another eye-opening finding: 38 percent of Republicans agree that Obama is "doing many things Jesus did, but because he (Obama) is a 'That Which Cannot be Named' those good things become bad things."

And 24 percent of Republicans agree that Obama may be the antiChrist's brother "the antiFreeze" from the infamous Hellfinallyfrozeover.

The poll found that voters lacking a college education are much more likely to believe the 44th president is made of Fairy Dust and Superglue.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Texas Rep. Blasphemes Comedian 93

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-TX) came forward today and admitted yelling during the House debate on the health care bill last night.

In his CYA statement, Neugeubauer said that he meant to refer to Rep. Bart Stupak, D-Mich. as "a Phyllis Diller".

Neugebauer apologized to Mr. Stupak saying,"Last night in the heat and emotion of the debate, I called you a Phyllis Diller in reference to your attitude toward unborn children and its similarity to the freaky comedian's views on children and health care in general. I deeply regret that my actions were mistakenly interpreted as a direct reference to your disturbing and eerie physical resemblance to the aging comic."

D Pressing News has obtained a "House Strategy" document Rep. Neugebauer was reading at the time he yelled at Rep. Stupak. The comments, attributed to the comedian in question, were to be attributed to Mr. Stupak.

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Rep. Neugebauer's office issued a statement this morning claiming that the congressman will stick to more appropriate Larry the Cable Guy fart jokes in the future.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Rush and Massa Dive

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

After praising the effects of the deep exploratory Massa massages he received during a recent visit to Washington DC, radio commentator Rush Limbaugh, a conservative icon, said that if ex-Representative Eric Massa wants to throw on scuba gear and "go deeper" he's more than ready."

As it turns out, Mr. Massa has quit practicing that technique as well as his famous "snorkel and tickle" method of physical therapy in favor of a new two-man diving ball approach he will begin practicing this spring.

Mr. Limbaugh bought an advanced first-class ticket for an exclusive "cockpit seat" on the maiden voyage of the Massa's U.S.S. Sitzbath. First trip: Costa Rica.