Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Golden Sucks Business Principles

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

The following GS Business Principles are taken directly from the company's website and interpreted by D Pressing News fiscal management.

1 Our biggest and and wealthiest client's interests always come first. Our experience shows that if we kiss there butts, our own palms will be greased.

2 Our people are a-holes, we have an enormous amount of capital and our reputation, at least lately, sucks Salmonella. If our reputation suffers, we have enough money to not give a damn. Really. Our lawyers assure us that we can skirt around the laws and ethical principles that govern us. Our continued success depends upon our dedication to this standard--it's all about us.

3 We will provide shareholders with so much cash they will literally crap their pants, but hey, they can throw the $5,000 suits and $10,000 dresses away. We have to do this while turning a profit for ourselves which is easy, we simply create new pseudo fiscal schemes like our new public-private, sub-prime mortgage investment packages and interest market cap deposit-withdrawal loans that cash-out on fund-related stock option call futures tied to home mortgage principals. In turn, we keep our top executives by paying them so much money they would have to be a newt to go anywhere else.

4 The unprofessional lack of quality at Golden Sucks is second only to a crack dealer. Everything we do that is not directly related to the acquisition of sexual amounts of money simply is not done. We will kill someone for enough dough.

5 It doesn't take creativity to do what we do. Anyone with no ethical or moral standards can do it. We focus on the money, the money in our pockets. Government money will do just fine. We use it to cover the bonuses that keep our top talent happy. We take great pride in decreasing unemployment by putting the U.S. tax payer to work for us.

6 GS is dedicated to finding the greediest people for the right jobs. We're a trillion dollar company and we know the fundamental truth that greed spawns greed and money adsorbs to greedy people. Without them we are just another Ponzi scheme.

7 Diversity.

8 The Team. You're on it or you sit in the golden blood room until you've seen so much money you change your mind.

9 Our people are concerned with money and absolutely don't care about you personal issues. Talk to your shrink.

10 We are enormous, but we can act like we're small and pretend to be upset when we lose a few billion.

11 If fiscal strategies worldwide change, we will adapt in the most vicious, nasty, unforgiving way. It's what we do.

12 We won't tell anybody what you're doing with your money as long as you are loyal to us.

13 We treat our competitors fair until we learn who they are, then *^&%# them.

14 We got caught screwing our Burger King employees and giving huge tax payer bonuses to our execs. As a result, we're *^&%#ed.

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