By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter
Somali pirates who surrendered themselves to American freighter Capt. Richard Phillips, said they made this traditional pirate maneuver in order to prevent the Capt. from switching their earrings to the "gay ear". They felt they had placed themselves in danger when a group of Navy Seals told them to "keep their buccaneers under their bucking hats".
Phillips held the pirates aboard a tiny lifeboat for five days before the pirate body odor factor approached 9.5 on a stinkola scale of 9. President Obama authorized bags of soap and towels curried by armed cabin boys who delivered the packages on the end of sniper rifles in order to keep from entering the "reek zone". Three pirates grew increasingly heated, and one of them scratched his pectoral muscle with the butt end of AK-47.
The commander of the nearby USS Bainbridge ordered the cabin boys to pull the triggers on the rifles to deliver the bags of toiletries more quickly. All three of the pirates were able to successfully catch bullets with their heads with a precision unprecedented in recorded Naval history. Phillips was said to be resting comfortably after a five course meal aboard Navy warship.