Friday, January 9, 2009

Illinois House Votes To Execute Blagojevich With Near-Unanimous Vote

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

The Illinois House of Representatives voted to execute Gov. Rod Blagojevich. He will first be "softened" at a street carnival. Outraged citizens wishing to "pay and play" can purchase hackie sacks; then throw them at the governor until he cries.

Blagojevich, known to his friends as "an arrogant dick", has been accused of trying to sell the ultra-plush cushion that had been glued on Barack Obama's U.S. Senate seat to an Indian telemarketer named Patel.

The vote was 114-1. The single vote against the measure was registered by the House's mascot, Thowshitachew, an eleven-year-old foul-mouthed baboon and first cousin to the governor's wife. The governor has been Throwshitachew's limo driver as part of a therapy program to rectify anomalies in his sublimated ego.

In what some are calling a cruel joke, the impeachment document is to be stuffed into an empty toilet paper role, wrapped in a banana peal, and delivered by burro to the state Senate where it is expected to produce laughs at the Senate water cooler for decades.

A two-thirds Senate majority will be needed to convict and remove Blagojevich from his jogging sweats. To complete the execution, the governor will be sent on a hunting trip with Vice President Dick Cheney. Blagojevich will be replaced by a toupee, Dick Chaney's pacemaker, and a drum of styling gel.

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