Thursday, October 8, 2009

Conservatives Remove Jesus From Bible

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

People at Conserva-pedia, a conservative Wikipedia-like website, are stripping the Christian Bible of its liberal bias by removing all evidence of Jesus the Christ and rewriting it from a neo-conservative or "right-thinking" perspective.

For example, Conserva-pedia feels that the famous passage, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do," uttered as Jesus was supposedly being crucified, is a passage beloved by liberals that has no place in a proper conservative Bible. According to Conserva-pedia the passage is rightfully attributed to Mark Johnson, CEO of Rolling Rock Funeral services during a deep recession in Jerusalem in 30 A.D. The corrected quote will read, "The Democratic health-care plan incorporates death panels. These murder squads, designed to kill grandma, are aimed at preserving Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama's Socialist agenda for world domination, in order to discriminate against white people and housewives."

The Conservative version of the Bible will also omit Jesus' mother, Mary, for a family unfriendly pregnancy. Jesus' earthly stepfather, Joseph, will be deleted for fornication out of wedlock.

"A man named Jesus claiming to be the "Messiah" was, in fact, a Socialist," said a representative of Conserva-pedia. The organization claims the real Messiah is an ancestor of an as-yet-to-be-revealed talk radio and TV commentator.

No comments: