Friday, October 16, 2009

Goldman Sucks Announces "Surprise" Profits and New Bonuses

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

U.S. bank, Goldman Sucks surprised the House and Senate by posting third-quarter profits more than triple those in the same period last year.

G.S.A. received billions of dollars in government aid, and made a three-month profit of what they refer to as, a measly $3.03 billion. "That's chicken feed," said Mr. Goldman.

G.S.A. is pleased to announce they are setting aside $5.35 billion for embarrassingly small bonuses for their senior officers. In an official statement, Mr. Goldman complained that "...the little people are upset that companies are handing out bonuses during such a delicate economical period. I don't get it. They act like we owe them something!"

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