Detroit Airline Terrorism Plotter Was Dinner Guest in Bush White House

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Hesaid Hewas A-Girl, one of the four gender uncertain plotters who attempted to blow a Northwest Airlines jet captain over Detroit on Christmas Day, was released from his job selling escalator shoes to Congressmen afraid to step into elevator shoes in November of 2007.

The Bush administration sent Hewas A-girl to be home schooled by Miss Minny Lee Dupree, a licensed person, at her mobile home park in St. Lake City, Utah. A-girl excelled at chewing newspaper for art class and was named "most likely to keep some of his teeth".

U.S. officials and al Qaeda propaganda tapes say that A-girl has since become the senior manager of the annual Toledo Yawning Festival.

Senator Robert Byrd Hanging In There

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Senator Robert Bryd of West Virgina was found strapped in a wheelchair and hanging from a highway billboard outside of Plains Georgia this morning. Byrd wore a sign that read, "Fly me to the moon and I will be forever voting on the health care plan."

Byrd, a U.S. Senator for 50 years, was hanging in front of another sign that read, "Plains, Georgia. Not the Home of Barack Obama."

The Secret Service lowered the 92-year-old senator from a height of thirty feet. He is recovering with a bowl of cream of wheat and warm water at his seat in the northern wing of the Capital. The Senator believed he had been on a flight to Miami.

Obama First Human to Break Moore's Law

Click on Graph above.
By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

For over forty years, scientists have more or less relied on a prediction made by Gordon Moore, Intel co-founder. The concept, known as Moore's Law, predicted that computers would double in speed about every two years. But, new research shows that it is sure to be broken--by a human being.

In human terms, Moore's Law depends on brain power as measured by IQ, compassion, literacy, and competence, together called "mind", getting consistently more powerful. The law has been hypothetical, but according to new data, President Barack Obama's mind has exceeded a theoretical "mental limit".

According to physicist Max A. Celeration, "Obama's mind will reach the limit of human mind expansion sometime in the year 2016." Obama's mental capabilities will set a barrier for ordinary geniuses, much like the speed of light, an absolute. Physicists will have to measure the President's Ba-rocket, as it's being called, against a 186,000 miles-per-second reference standard. "It doesn't depend on the physiology of the brain or how it's nurtured," Celeration said "This phenomenon is an anomaly to all laws of nature and can change the course of human history."

Dr. Celeration is expected to submit a paper to Science magazine validating the new phenomenon known in mathematical terms as O = BTc2, or Obama = Barack Think-speed of light-squared.

Loretta Young

By Unknown Staff Writer, D Pressing News

The "real news" has been so "depressing" that our senior staff writer has taken temporary leave and immersed himself in his childhood memories. The staff at D Pressing News cannot stop DP Fleming from watching the video below repeatedly while foaming at the mouth, drooling, and mumbling something about Howdy Doody. Apparently, Ms. Young was the writer's first childhood sweetheart. The first woman, besides his mother, with whom he fell in love. He's been able to communicate, with the use of a hand puppet, that he'll be back before the holidays are over, or until he finds a similar tribute to Brigitte Bardot.

Wacky Wavey Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man

Direct from Al Harrington's Emporium and Warehouse in Wikipaw comes Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man. Press the button under the black video screen to the most incredible piece of video mastery this year. WWIAFTM is a tribute to Family Guy.

Scientists Find Internet On and Off Switch

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

In an exclusive interview, Dr. Fook You and Dr. Chow Poon of Biobuy, bye,, Inc. in a Silicone plant Valley told the D Pressing News this morning they have found the Internet's on-off switch. The switch had been spliced into an extension chord that ran from an old, black and white GE television set, then to a Texas Instrument calculator wired into a phone line. “It’s labeled the information super highway,” said Dr. Poon, before slipping on dozens of wooden sticks scattered about the floor at the base of his workbench.

Like many scientific discoveries, the incredible archaeological find happened by accident. The scientists had been working under a 12-million-dollar government grant to create a new, solid, nicotine free, smokeless, tobacco free, cigarette oid.

The new ingenious hybrid cigarette known as, "a Stick", comes with a removable colored filter and its own snap on non-ash ashtray.

The scientists are hiding the Internet on-off switch and threaten to use the valuable fossil when they get fed up with You tube, Facebook, D Pressing News, and “…the rest of the bullshit the Internet has spun off in the last decade”.

Owners of Flying Saucers Think Obama Will Ban Sales

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

According to a recent Gallup poll, fifty-six percent of flying saucer owners believe President Obama "will ban the sale of flying saucers in the United States while he is president." The poll's finding may explain reports of increased sales of flying saucers and six-year-old pilots.

New reports suggest that aluminum manufacturers simply cannot keep up with demand, while noting that the president has made no proposal to ban sales of flying saucers or an earlier prototype known as the Jiffy Pop.

Obama's only action to date has been to relax with his family and watch the new Blu-ray version of his favorite movie, "Men in Black".

In September, Obama signed a bill allowing flying saucers to be flown over national parks and deserts. However, the Gallup poll shows that most flying saucer owners believe the President wants to ban their aircraft sales.