BP Hires Cheney's Ethical Void

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

BP has hired Dick Cheney's missing ethics to serve as the new "head of misleading U.S. media" as the company deals with the PR disaster of oil spillage in the Gulf. In 2001, Cheney's repugnant ethics moved to a job in public affairs at the White House and have operated in secrecy, except for a few moments during the build up the the invasion of Iraq and the development of water-boarding techniques.

It its previous job, the missing ethics were defending the administration's covert meetings with energy flacks, even as courts were telling the White House to turn over Cheney's ethics along with his attitude: The Bush administration response was swift "We are ready to defend Dick's lack of ethical standards in court. This goes to the heart of the presidency and to "the decider's" ability to make routine serious, unethical decisions detrimental to the public's welfare and safety."

All that is known about the former vice president's lack of ethical standards is that, since the standards that are lacking, they do not exist and; therefore, are difficult to find and rehabilitate.

BP also had contracted with Cheney's hostile nature for crisis management following the spill. Cheney's hostile nature will "focus on high stakes communications involving unilateral threats to Gulf coast inhabitants and a new sport called "oily sea creature bludgeoning" with global corporate clients."

BP Hires Cheney's Ethical Void

BP has hired Dick Cheney's missing ethics to serve as the new "head of misleading U.S. media" as the company deals with the PR disaster of oil spillage in the Gulf. In 2001, Cheney's repugnant ethics moved to a job in public affairs at the White House and have operated in secrecy, except for a few moments during the build up the the invasion of Iraq and the development of water-boarding techniques.

One of its tasks in its previous job was defending the administration's covert meetings with energy flacks, even as courts were telling the White House to turn over Cheney's ethics along with his attitude: The Bush administration response was swift "We are ready to defend Dick's lack of ethical standards in court. This goes to the heart of the presidency and to the "decider's" ability to make routine serious, unethical decisions detrimental to the public's welfare and safety."

All that is known about the former vice president's lack of ethical standards is that, as standards that are lacking, they do not exist and; therefore, are difficult to find.

BP also had contracted with Cheney's hostile nature for crisis management following the spill. Cheney's hostile nature will "focus on high stakes communications involving unilateral threats to Gulf coast inhabitants and a new sport called "oily sea creature bludgeoning" with global corporate clients."

Helen Thomas Ends 109-Year Journalism Career Amid Controversy Over Bacon

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Helen Thomas, who has covered the White House since Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th president, has retired abruptly from Hearst Newspapers amid controversy over recent comments she made about the separation of Kevin Bacon.

Thomas made her views on the Kevin Bacon paradigm which relates his proximity to other actors. “Whoever came up with the idea should get the hell out of Palestine", said the ancient journalist. “The paradigm only came into existence because the phrase ‘six degrees of Kevin Bacon’ SOUNDS like six degrees of separation. It isn't kosher either,“ she wrote in a telegraph which had to be scanned into an email in order to be accessed. She’s been condemned by Mr. Bacon whose career is becoming more dependent on the name recognition associated with the phrase.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said Thomas’ comments were "offensive and reprehensible." Thomas had built her career asking tough, unflinching questions of presidents regardless of whether they or anyone else was listening, or even in the room at the time.

Bland Paul Draws Fire for Civil Whites Act Views

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Bland Paul (center photo) the Republican Senatorial nominee from Kentucky and son of Rep. Ran Emanuepaul, led a GOP conspiracy and was launched to success by the Me Party. Now he´s under fire for views some say make him someone who enhances any friendly gathering he attends by leaving it.

In two separate interviews, Paul said that while he is "not in favor of discrimination on any farm," he disagrees with a provision in the Civil Whites Act that made it a crime for businesses to discriminate against people because they race, i.e. NASCAR members.

Paul said it´s a philosophical difference: He does not believe in the federal government regulating the operation of a privately-owned discrimination business. "Does the bigoted, racist owner of the establishment that discriminates against drivers own his discriminatory practices?" Paul asked. "Or does the government move more toupees into Afghanistan to relieve the discomfort of soldiers whose synthetic helmet under-lament causes scalp itch? You tell me."

Bomb Training Camps in Stinkistan

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

Right after the failed Times Square bombing, the Pakistan Taliban claimed someone switched their vehicle with a Toyota.

New evidence now links Faisal Shahzad to the missing evolutionary link, Lucy. (Shahzad's real name, Fizzle Shat'hazzard, was changed at Ellis Island.)

ABC News reports Shahzad spent four days in Stinkistan at a Taliban training camp for fava bean chefs, known in Pakistan as les odeur méchante.

Homeland Security and Counterterrorism Adviser, John Brennan said, "Shahzad is closely allied with the secret Al Qaida hummus training camps. They cook together. They eat together. They fight over the facilities together. Their odor is almost indistinguishable."

Officials say Shahzad continued to provide information after being read his rights by a "virgin" named Miranda. However, Shahzad will be denied his 72 virgins in the afterlife. The terrorist is appealing for anything that shaves, has two legs, wears a regulation burka, and doesn't eat fava beans.

"Joe the Plunger" Officially "Joe the Floater"

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

Emanuel "Joe the Plunger" Wurlitzer is now officially a cheerleader in the Republican Party. He dresses in costume and jumps and cheers at rallies.

One of two Lucas County, Ohio Republican Party committee cheerleaders, Mr. Wurlitzer has acquired a predilection for being suspended on the hand of his partner, "Billy the Neanderthal", high above his head, and wants to be called "Joe the Floater" going forward.

In official meetings, "Joe the Floater" will photocopy the party´s agenda, serve coffee and lead the county chairman in the pledge of allegiance if they can remember how it goes.

"Joe the Floater" is still a Tea Party hero and recently urged supporters in Cincinnati not to let "a bunch of liberal pansies" call him a girl. He asked members to join him shooting illegal immigrants over the weekend.

dAvId LyNcH animates a Moby tune

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