From the D Pressing News Archive

November 13, 2008
Bush Says Markets Don’t Cost Anything. What's The Problem?
By D P Fleming—D Pressing News Staff Writer

A day before a brawl consisting of about two dozen drunken world beer-chugging oafs, President Bush drooled and said, "The fr (hic) free market, is fr (hic) free. Thatth why they (hic) call it fr (hic) free."

The President slipped on his own spittle and cracked his knee, but he defended the free market in a speech at Federal Hall in NYC. He claimed the free market is not failing amidst a global financial crisis because it is still free.

"Anybody with (hic) money can use the mark (hic) market for free. Or near (hic) nearly free," the President said before covering his mouth, coughing, and spewing suds from his nostrils.

Bush asked the leaders of "them other nations, whatever" to use "thinking" and come up with “thoughts” about reforms that won't restrict trading cards or disrupt free napkins.

Some areas of reform recommended by the House included rules for how money transactions such as stocks and bonds should actually mean something in a monetary sense.

Also suggested is the practice of a new concept some are calling "legality" or “legitimacy.” Finally, credit default swaps, aka "take-this-fiscal-turd-off-my-hands,” fraud prevention, regulation coordination, and voting power at the World Bank should not be controlled by inmates from maximum-security prisons anymore.

Bush Pardons Himself and Other Criminals
By D P Fleming—D Pressing News Staff Writer

President Bush pardoned himself and 147 convicted criminals and commuted the sentences of two hundred others as of Monday. The President normally issues reprieves to large-cash campaign contributors, big oil executives, and teens caught playing hooky from class.

All totaled, he has issued 4,171 pardons and commuted eighteen hundred sentences during his Presidency.

The crimes that President Bush pardoned vary widely from joining a union and tax evasion to using welfare to survive and food stamps to buy edible food. On a positive note, President Bush has issued just under the total number of reprieves issued by all the former two-term Presidents combined. Also, no one pardoned has been convicted of serial killing. . . yet

Palin Releases Medical Records

By D P Fleming—D Pressing News Staff Writer

Candidates Obama and Biden released their medical records some time ago, earlier into the campaign. McCain's were delivered in 37 banker's boxes to the Wall Street Journal months ago. Palin has previously regarded the offering up of such information as intrusion by "all the darn curiosity seekers" and a violation of first amendment rights.

Today, the day after the presidential election, Republican VP nominee Samuel Palin (formerly known as Sarah Palin) released a summary of her/his medical records.

In a statement to D Pressing News, Dr. Cathy Ballsdwind-Johnson wrote "Governor Palin is in excellent health for a man and has no known health problems other than a slight infection in the groin from a tick bite received while moose hunting earlier this year. Unfortunately, the tick swelled and became indistinguishable from other anatomical parts in the region. Confusion over what to excise ensued and caused a mishap that required reconstructive surgery resulting in Palin's current condition."

"However," said Ballswind-Johnson, "the change would not have interfered with Samuel Palin's ability to carry out the duties and obligation of vice president of the United States of America, although it may cause problems with discrimination when using public restrooms."