From the D Pressing News Archive

November 13, 2008
Bush Says Markets Don’t Cost Anything. What's The Problem?
By D P Fleming—D Pressing News Staff Writer

A day before a brawl consisting of about two dozen drunken world beer-chugging oafs, President Bush drooled and said, "The fr (hic) free market, is fr (hic) free. Thatth why they (hic) call it fr (hic) free."

The President slipped on his own spittle and cracked his knee, but he defended the free market in a speech at Federal Hall in NYC. He claimed the free market is not failing amidst a global financial crisis because it is still free.

"Anybody with (hic) money can use the mark (hic) market for free. Or near (hic) nearly free," the President said before covering his mouth, coughing, and spewing suds from his nostrils.

Bush asked the leaders of "them other nations, whatever" to use "thinking" and come up with “thoughts” about reforms that won't restrict trading cards or disrupt free napkins.

Some areas of reform recommended by the House included rules for how money transactions such as stocks and bonds should actually mean something in a monetary sense.

Also suggested is the practice of a new concept some are calling "legality" or “legitimacy.” Finally, credit default swaps, aka "take-this-fiscal-turd-off-my-hands,” fraud prevention, regulation coordination, and voting power at the World Bank should not be controlled by inmates from maximum-security prisons anymore.