Sculpture of Dot in Circle Spurs Controversy

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Teachers at a school for the blind in Shadetree Florida have voiced their ire after a sculpture of nude rodents made from the discarded sleeves of Michelle Obama's dresses was placed in Britney Spears' backyard next to her three-foot bong.

The sculpture is in view of a drug rehab facility for nuns and is deemed inappropriate for the stoned and drunk residents, confusing a sense of reality already balancing on the precipice of sanity under the influence of the Cartoon Network's Those Silly Saints.

The sculpture is called Journey to the Center of the Two Dimensional Representation of the Outline of an Object in Which the End of the Radius Rests on the Opposite Point From the Circumference. Critics refer to the work of art as "the dot in the circle".

The piece is meant to depict the historic 1984 journey of Ethiopian mold spores and Jewish cabbage rats through the Lincoln tunnel to Newark. It was sculpted by Itvil Makesense, who has courted controversy before with his works of two centimeter pink weevil tits.

New Tax on Caleefornia Pot

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Under the tremendous stress of California's financial crisis, governor Arnold Schwarzenegger backslid into his former routine use of marijuana. The Governator asked the legislature Thursday to consider an excise tax on pot in an attempt to see a black-light at the end of the tunnel for beleaguered West Coast city and town budgets.

In an exclusive interview with D Pressing News, the governor of America's largest state budget lay on a large futon in his office, listening to a Grateful Dead CD and described the advantages of his idea.

"I think da whole cuntry shood consida dis idea, man. I'm tired of issuing I.O.U's to every dude ve owe money. I vas pondering da problem this morning and a lyric hit me like a...the singa vas...den Maria brought in some nachos and...I thought it vould be cool...you know...it vould be cool to pump up the state coffers."

With no other relief for the layoffs that have plagued California cities state assemblyman actor Jeff "The Dude" Bridges introduced a bill in Sacramento keep pot legalized. "Why not tax it? It's already was legal, isn't it?" said The Dude.

Secret CIA Program Investigated Dick Cheney's IQ

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

On Friday, The House Intelligence Committee said it would investigate a secret program to determine if Dick Cheney withheld information about his IQ on his job application for vice president. Congress confirmed Cheney's suspected stupidity last month.

Despite a life of comfort and wealth, Cheney's mother lived mostly on rat entrails and snake venom that exposed her little Dick to antidotes during pregnancy.

Researchers found evidence that the vice president's erratic heartbeat and diet of bubonic rat antidote may have hampered his brain in utero.

The study focused on the VP's inability to smile symmetrically and recent changes in his physiology making him appear rodent-like.

Cheney scored forty points lower than President George W. Bush and other imbecilic control vermin in the study. Cheney's Officials claim that he merely obeyed his mother.

Tennessee: Shoot Them Sumbitches

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

The State of Tennessee changed it's gun laws this week. The new law allows gun owners, including those with mental disabilities, to carry their pistols in holsters and rifles slung over their shoulders.

Anyone can now carry a weapon into establishments anywhere and shoot anyone with few exceptions.

State legislators passed the law allowing mentally challenged individuals to openly carry and or fire guns indiscriminately into bars and restaurants. The one exemption, firing on individuals too drunk to stand on their own, will not prevent gun weilding idiots from purchasing alcohol or taking it by force from the horizontal bar flies.

Restaurant and Bar owners no longer have the option of placing a "no guns allowed" sign in their windows.

Some staunch defenders of Second Amendment rights feel that mixing guns and alcohol is a fundamental right of all citizens including idiots, morons, imbeciles, and dunderheads. A last-minute legal challenge is underway by a coalition of Tennessee people who disagree with the new law. The group of three, formerly of thousands, will meet in an undisclosed location next Tuesday.

Tennessee: Shoot Them Sumbitches

By DP Fleming, Senior D Pressing News Reporter

The State of Tennessee changed it's gun laws this week. The new law allows gun owners, including those with mental disabilities, to carry their pistols in holsters and rifles slung over their shoulders. Anyone can now carry a weapon into establishment anywhere and shoot anyone with few exceptions.

State legislators passed the law allowing mentally challenged individuals to openly carry and or fire guns indiscriminately into bars and restaurants. The one exemption, firing on individuals too drunk to stand on their own, will not prevent gun wielding idiots from purchasing alcohol or taking it by force from the horizontal bar flies. Restaurant and Bar owners no longer have the option of placing a "no guns allowed" sign in their windows.

Some staunch defenders of Second Amendment rights feel that mixing guns and alcohol is a fundamental right of all citizens including idiots, morons, imbeciles, and dunderheads. A last-minute legal challenge is underway by a coalition of Tennessee people who disagree with the new law. The group of three, formerly of thousands, will meet in an undisclosed location next Tuesday.

Deep Flem II: Deeper Flem

Governor Palin Transfers Ice and Annelids

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Effective July 26, Alaska governor Sarah Palin will convert 151 trillion tons of dry ice into liquid water and transfer it to Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell.

Furthermore, Palin has returned 45 pounds of pulsating blobs of mutated annelids, known locally as worm muscle, to Joe-the-Plunger. Ms. Palin borrowed the gooey creatures and has been using them in her signature hair preparation Sarah's Spiffy Earth Essence.

With his new campaign slogan, "Tubes You Can See Through", Plunger will kick off his 2012 presidential bid with free samples of Sarah's worm gunk, which the governor had previously hidden in the city sewers of Wasilla Alaska.

Palin said in a news conference, "We know Joe's slimy tubificids will thrive, they already do on Fox News."

Palin made what she referred to as a "basketball" analogy saying "Balls, hoops, Alas-ka!" Asked for comment, Mr. Plunger responded, "I knew that."