Bomb Training Camps in Stinkistan

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

Right after the failed Times Square bombing, the Pakistan Taliban claimed someone switched their vehicle with a Toyota.

New evidence now links Faisal Shahzad to the missing evolutionary link, Lucy. (Shahzad's real name, Fizzle Shat'hazzard, was changed at Ellis Island.)

ABC News reports Shahzad spent four days in Stinkistan at a Taliban training camp for fava bean chefs, known in Pakistan as les odeur méchante.

Homeland Security and Counterterrorism Adviser, John Brennan said, "Shahzad is closely allied with the secret Al Qaida hummus training camps. They cook together. They eat together. They fight over the facilities together. Their odor is almost indistinguishable."

Officials say Shahzad continued to provide information after being read his rights by a "virgin" named Miranda. However, Shahzad will be denied his 72 virgins in the afterlife. The terrorist is appealing for anything that shaves, has two legs, wears a regulation burka, and doesn't eat fava beans.

"Joe the Plunger" Officially "Joe the Floater"

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

Emanuel "Joe the Plunger" Wurlitzer is now officially a cheerleader in the Republican Party. He dresses in costume and jumps and cheers at rallies.

One of two Lucas County, Ohio Republican Party committee cheerleaders, Mr. Wurlitzer has acquired a predilection for being suspended on the hand of his partner, "Billy the Neanderthal", high above his head, and wants to be called "Joe the Floater" going forward.

In official meetings, "Joe the Floater" will photocopy the party´s agenda, serve coffee and lead the county chairman in the pledge of allegiance if they can remember how it goes.

"Joe the Floater" is still a Tea Party hero and recently urged supporters in Cincinnati not to let "a bunch of liberal pansies" call him a girl. He asked members to join him shooting illegal immigrants over the weekend.

dAvId LyNcH animates a Moby tune

Brought to you by the D Pressing News Film Festival.

Tommy Make Movie - Next One Gooder

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

The recently formed delusional D Pressing News Film Series, in association with its own mental image, presents the most important, groundbreaking cinematic experience since 60-Minutes, legendary movie maker Tommy Wiseowl's He Boom.

He Boom is tragically a mesmerizing, shocking, intellectually emulating, quasi-American black and colored, unintentionally funny, love story made with passion, and filled with betrayal, lies, a kid who looks 30, a gun, Johnny, sex, Johnny's muscles, a partially nude girl, Johnny's butt, candles, and roses, in which the gun goes off and the protagonist dies (it's a surprise suicide).

He Boom stars thinker/writer/director/chuckler/get angrier, Tommy (the bird) Wiseowl, a man with money who made a movie. Tommy plays a guy in his own movie with a bunch of people who agreed to be in a movie for money, especially the chick who plays his future wife "you're tearing me apart" Lisa, who has to pretend to sleep with Tommy without laughing. She was paid over scale.

The film shows the relationships that have to be formed between semi-professional actors sacrificing their reputations by committing themselves to celluloid for money while asking "Can we really get out of this somehow with the money before the camera rolls?"

He Boom has been running through projectors and drawing flotsam off the street and into a movie house in Los Angeles and has arrived in St. Louis just in time to arrive in St. Louis. Don't miss seeing the screen it's projected on!

"Decidering Pointes" by Goegre W. Bush

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Rather than a traditional autobiography, former President George W. Bush has written* a book, a "memtalwar" about the major thinking times in his life. The book, Decidering Pointes will be reviewed as soon as the finger paintings dry and certain lines are redrawn to specific numbers.

KidDoodle Publishers said: "... he has spent almost every day drawing Decidering Pointes, a strikingly subjective and almost understandable account revealing why he became president instead of a crossing guard and how he turned an oil company bankruptcy into an inconsequential presidency."

The book will sell for $59.99 with a limited number of signed copies with original coloring within the lines, and connect the dots pictures of "camping and stuff", in cloth-bound copies.

* written defined as "...havin' a few beers with this writer-guy who wrote stuff I said and stuff." -- GWB.

Tea Party: No Longer for Dummies and Racists

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

A recent New York Times poll of Tea Party supporters indicates that the majority of them are more intelligent and educated, wealthier, spiritually superior, healthier, and better looking than the general public.

Tea Party members oppose Obama's policies on the indisputable, self-evident, universally-recognized, absolute and God-certified truth that they aren't wrong. Contrary to the notion that they are racists, they smarty-pants-ists.

Unlike the public, 99% are concerned a family member will become unpatriotic or a republican, democrat or other dangerous thinker such as communist, fascist, tennis pro, hair stylist, or nail technician's assistant. Over 89% say the recession has caused them major hardships with math.

They feel apathy among voters has led to the current trouble in America, and plan to "git that thing called pathy and shoot it when we find it."

Most feel that Sarah Palin is as good as Oprah Winfrey any old day, and blame Congress for Bill Maher not the Bush Administration or David Letterman.

Iran Announced "You Damn Right We Have Mastered NaCl Technology!"

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Friday, President Ma-mood?I'm-mad-at-dinner-god of Iran announced that Iran has advanced its Sodium Chloride technology, during his speech celebrating National Salt Day.

During his speech chants of "Breath to America" and "God is Pretty Cool Considering the Virgins and All" could be heard coming from the crowd.

"Iranian scientists have fully mastered sodium and chloride technology, taking giant steps, moving with big shoes at full pace," said Iran's President Ma-mood?I'm-mad-at-dinner-god. "Watch out America and your Jewish friends!"