17 Police Inspectors Assigned to Guard Obama´s Shoes Shoot Each Other Over ObamaCare

By DP Fleming, Senior Staff Reporter

The first day of the Obama family outrageously expensive, extravagant, Mumbai-India tour was marred briefly when, for no reason other than to be hospitalized under ObamaCare, 17 policeman, costing American middle-class taxpayers $4,000,000,000 a day, "accidentally" shot each other outside the Taj Hotel.

Fortunately, the First African American Family was attending a private dinner of baby seal steak with salad and green soup made of newly minted $1,000 bills before spending Saturday night in the Taj's private Olympic-size swimming pool overflowing with gold coins.

Assistant Police Inspector Shooda Aimedbetter was rushed to nearby St. George Hospital after gnawing off his bleeding foot and tossing it to an untouchable floating in the Gangrene River. "Of course, he ate it. But, I thought he was dead," Shooda said.

The Obamas are in India November 6th, 2010 to sometime late January, 2013.

Mumbai: US taxpayers spend whopping $800 billion per hour on President Obama's Mumbai visit

By D P Fleming, Senior Reporter

"U.S. President Barack Obama (seen in photo signing a check) will spend $800 billion on security, movies, steak, lobster, sushi, alcohol, snacks, toothpaste, and hookers," says Glenn or Glenda Beck, a top official of the Maharashtra Government who flew to Washington and is privy to the arrangements.

About 300,000 people including Secret Service agents, US government officials, journalists, the entire Children's Television Network, Disneyland, Sylvester Stallone, and James Woods will accompany the President. Several officials from the White House security agency have been in Mumbai for a week with helicopters, ships, high-end security instruments, chewing gum, submarines, aircraft carriers, the U.S. Marine Corps air wing, and a specialist in diverticulitis.

"US officials may not be allowed to carry weapons with the exception of deodorant. Although incompetent in security measures, the Mumbai state police will be piloting the Presidential convoy," said Rush Limplog on condition of anonymity.

Navy and Air Force will intensify patrolling along the Mumbai coastline and its airspace in search of corn dog vendors said to accompany Obama. As a sign of arrogance, the city's airspace will be fogged with burning oil before the President's arrival.

The area from Hotel Taj, where Obama and his wife Michelle will try the country's newest flying carpets, to a Shikra helipad in Colaba will be cordoned off and covered with swan feathers so the U.S. President can feather role naked during his afternoon meditation, a habit for which he is renowned everywhere except in America.

Palin Tells Rahm Emanuel: "Ewe Lye"

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Rahm Emanuel said that Joe Barton (R-Texas) typified the GOP "wide stance" when he apologized to BP for not providing a larger body of water in the Gulf of Mexico for the oil giant's spill. The comment was made on ABC's This is Week. Sarah Palin took umbrage, tweeting, "ROM, ewe lye."

"In case you forgot what Republican governance is like, added Emanuel, "Joe Barton reminded you." Palin posted, "ROM E Manule=dark skinned and missing his ring finger...gay?"

Barton called the $20 billion in damages BP will pay a "shakedown." "That´s not a political gaffe," Emanuel said, "those are prepared remarks."

Palin tweeted, "Come to my tea party, Rom, and I'll go shake you down on you. Whatcha think of that?"

Hot Air From BP Boardroom Destroys Nursery

During yesterday's emergency board meeting, a BP executive stumbled upon a fiscally sound, face-saving "idea" to cover the company's losses in the Gulf. The hot air emitted from the exuberance in the room destroyed the employee daycare center 25 yards away. A BP spokesperson in Europe blamed Barack Obama.

BP Hires Cheney's Ethical Void

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

BP has hired Dick Cheney's missing ethics to serve as the new "head of misleading U.S. media" as the company deals with the PR disaster of oil spillage in the Gulf. In 2001, Cheney's repugnant ethics moved to a job in public affairs at the White House and have operated in secrecy, except for a few moments during the build up the the invasion of Iraq and the development of water-boarding techniques.

It its previous job, the missing ethics were defending the administration's covert meetings with energy flacks, even as courts were telling the White House to turn over Cheney's ethics along with his attitude: The Bush administration response was swift "We are ready to defend Dick's lack of ethical standards in court. This goes to the heart of the presidency and to "the decider's" ability to make routine serious, unethical decisions detrimental to the public's welfare and safety."

All that is known about the former vice president's lack of ethical standards is that, since the standards that are lacking, they do not exist and; therefore, are difficult to find and rehabilitate.

BP also had contracted with Cheney's hostile nature for crisis management following the spill. Cheney's hostile nature will "focus on high stakes communications involving unilateral threats to Gulf coast inhabitants and a new sport called "oily sea creature bludgeoning" with global corporate clients."

BP Hires Cheney's Ethical Void

BP has hired Dick Cheney's missing ethics to serve as the new "head of misleading U.S. media" as the company deals with the PR disaster of oil spillage in the Gulf. In 2001, Cheney's repugnant ethics moved to a job in public affairs at the White House and have operated in secrecy, except for a few moments during the build up the the invasion of Iraq and the development of water-boarding techniques.

One of its tasks in its previous job was defending the administration's covert meetings with energy flacks, even as courts were telling the White House to turn over Cheney's ethics along with his attitude: The Bush administration response was swift "We are ready to defend Dick's lack of ethical standards in court. This goes to the heart of the presidency and to the "decider's" ability to make routine serious, unethical decisions detrimental to the public's welfare and safety."

All that is known about the former vice president's lack of ethical standards is that, as standards that are lacking, they do not exist and; therefore, are difficult to find.

BP also had contracted with Cheney's hostile nature for crisis management following the spill. Cheney's hostile nature will "focus on high stakes communications involving unilateral threats to Gulf coast inhabitants and a new sport called "oily sea creature bludgeoning" with global corporate clients."

Helen Thomas Ends 109-Year Journalism Career Amid Controversy Over Bacon

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Helen Thomas, who has covered the White House since Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th president, has retired abruptly from Hearst Newspapers amid controversy over recent comments she made about the separation of Kevin Bacon.

Thomas made her views on the Kevin Bacon paradigm which relates his proximity to other actors. “Whoever came up with the idea should get the hell out of Palestine", said the ancient journalist. “The paradigm only came into existence because the phrase ‘six degrees of Kevin Bacon’ SOUNDS like six degrees of separation. It isn't kosher either,“ she wrote in a telegraph which had to be scanned into an email in order to be accessed. She’s been condemned by Mr. Bacon whose career is becoming more dependent on the name recognition associated with the phrase.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said Thomas’ comments were "offensive and reprehensible." Thomas had built her career asking tough, unflinching questions of presidents regardless of whether they or anyone else was listening, or even in the room at the time.