GOP Suggests Democratic Party's Health Care Bill Could Deny Health Care to Republicans

Source: news.yahoo.com
by Ben Reilly

The Republican National Committee has mailed a fund raising appeal signed by RNC Chairman Michael Steele in which it is suggested that under the Democratic health care reform bill, Republicans could be discriminated against for medical treatment.

A questionnaire in the mailing says the government could check voter registration cards, "prompting fears that GOP voters might be discriminated against for medical treatment in a Democrat-imposed health care rationing system."

The questionnaire then asks, "Does this possibility concern you?" An RNC spokeswoman said that the question was "inartfully worded" but said that "the RNC doesn't try to scare people. We're just trying to get the facts out on health care."

Obama's Approval Increases as Support for 'Public Executions' Grows

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

According to the latest pole taken by D Pressing News, support for the death panel component of President Obama's health care reform proposal has increased to a whopping 82%.

However, that is provided those coming before the panels consist of individuals caught on camera yelling and screaming at recent local town hall meetings.

Elderly senior citizens, also known as, Grandpaws and Grandmaws will be the first executed.

As a cost-saving measure, weapons confiscated from individuals attending town hall meetings will be used to mow down Grandpaw and Grandma in middle school yards across the nation.

Sarah Palin Gets 20 Cows, 40 Goats, Dogsled

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

President Obama's aids are under control. They and fellow Democrats say that protests at town hall meetings are orchestrated by groups riding cows and goats provided by the health insurance industry's pro condom republican advocacy group (CRAP), the Republican Party's Milking the Middle Class, and a coalition of right-wing talk show hosts called whimper formed to improve their program ratings.

Obama said that the rumors include such bizarre ideas as one "that will promote euthanasia when in fact the program, Youth and Asia, is designed to improve math at the middle school level. Other rumors include a cut in Medicaid, which is actually designed to provide free medical Bandaids for the poor.

The biggest rumor yet, say Obama aids, is a government takeover of health care. This program to find healthy individuals to care about the government is nothing new and has been brought before Congress in various bills--beginning with Gov 101: Care About Uncle Sam?--since WWII.

In related news from our WGAF files, Sarah Palin's lawyer said she will be divorcing her husband Todd.

Sculpture of Dot in Circle Spurs Controversy

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Teachers at a school for the blind in Shadetree Florida have voiced their ire after a sculpture of nude rodents made from the discarded sleeves of Michelle Obama's dresses was placed in Britney Spears' backyard next to her three-foot bong.

The sculpture is in view of a drug rehab facility for nuns and is deemed inappropriate for the stoned and drunk residents, confusing a sense of reality already balancing on the precipice of sanity under the influence of the Cartoon Network's Those Silly Saints.

The sculpture is called Journey to the Center of the Two Dimensional Representation of the Outline of an Object in Which the End of the Radius Rests on the Opposite Point From the Circumference. Critics refer to the work of art as "the dot in the circle".

The piece is meant to depict the historic 1984 journey of Ethiopian mold spores and Jewish cabbage rats through the Lincoln tunnel to Newark. It was sculpted by Itvil Makesense, who has courted controversy before with his works of two centimeter pink weevil tits.

New Tax on Caleefornia Pot

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Under the tremendous stress of California's financial crisis, governor Arnold Schwarzenegger backslid into his former routine use of marijuana. The Governator asked the legislature Thursday to consider an excise tax on pot in an attempt to see a black-light at the end of the tunnel for beleaguered West Coast city and town budgets.

In an exclusive interview with D Pressing News, the governor of America's largest state budget lay on a large futon in his office, listening to a Grateful Dead CD and described the advantages of his idea.

"I think da whole cuntry shood consida dis idea, man. I'm tired of issuing I.O.U's to every dude ve owe money. I vas pondering da problem this morning and a lyric hit me like a...the singa vas...den Maria brought in some nachos and...I thought it vould be cool...you know...it vould be cool to pump up the state coffers."

With no other relief for the layoffs that have plagued California cities state assemblyman actor Jeff "The Dude" Bridges introduced a bill in Sacramento keep pot legalized. "Why not tax it? It's already was legal, isn't it?" said The Dude.

Secret CIA Program Investigated Dick Cheney's IQ

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

On Friday, The House Intelligence Committee said it would investigate a secret program to determine if Dick Cheney withheld information about his IQ on his job application for vice president. Congress confirmed Cheney's suspected stupidity last month.

Despite a life of comfort and wealth, Cheney's mother lived mostly on rat entrails and snake venom that exposed her little Dick to antidotes during pregnancy.

Researchers found evidence that the vice president's erratic heartbeat and diet of bubonic rat antidote may have hampered his brain in utero.

The study focused on the VP's inability to smile symmetrically and recent changes in his physiology making him appear rodent-like.

Cheney scored forty points lower than President George W. Bush and other imbecilic control vermin in the study. Cheney's Officials claim that he merely obeyed his mother.

Tennessee: Shoot Them Sumbitches

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

The State of Tennessee changed it's gun laws this week. The new law allows gun owners, including those with mental disabilities, to carry their pistols in holsters and rifles slung over their shoulders.

Anyone can now carry a weapon into establishments anywhere and shoot anyone with few exceptions.

State legislators passed the law allowing mentally challenged individuals to openly carry and or fire guns indiscriminately into bars and restaurants. The one exemption, firing on individuals too drunk to stand on their own, will not prevent gun weilding idiots from purchasing alcohol or taking it by force from the horizontal bar flies.

Restaurant and Bar owners no longer have the option of placing a "no guns allowed" sign in their windows.

Some staunch defenders of Second Amendment rights feel that mixing guns and alcohol is a fundamental right of all citizens including idiots, morons, imbeciles, and dunderheads. A last-minute legal challenge is underway by a coalition of Tennessee people who disagree with the new law. The group of three, formerly of thousands, will meet in an undisclosed location next Tuesday.