Barney Fwank: Pawtisanship is Out of Contwol

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

"In Congwess," says Massachusetts Rep. Barney Fwank, a Democrat, "as da pwimary ewections appwoach, da Democwats and Wepubwicans awe spwitting fawder apawt."

Congressman Fwank made the statements at a book-signing for his biography, Bawney Fwank: Da Stowy of Amewica's Only Weft-Handed, Qweer, Jewish Pwince (Hawd Hawdcova). "People talk wit each udda and agwee with each udder, but don't know why day agwee," said Fwank.

Fwank wants to change the Senate filibuster rules, and call them "fiwibusta wules". He said that he feels the House lost its way when he and Newt Gingrich broke up. "He scwewed da pooch and I was angwee wit him," said the senator. "I might just weave."

Color Wins in Massachusetts

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

The fundamental color brown has won the Massachusetts special election for the Senate Seat formerly held by the late Ted Kennedy. The famous color, a well-known part of each American child's early education and mastered by most by Kindergarten, gained 52% of the vote, beating Democratic candidate Martha Coakley, a human being.

The win surprised many, as Massachusetts has long been considered a Democratic party stronghold for humans. The color brown was assisted by the number 41 and it´s gradual gains in preliminary polls led President Obama and Bill Clinton to make personal appearances in support of the homo sapien Coakley.

Because the democratic party lost the Massachusetts seat, they lose the super majority in the Senate, threatening the administration´s Healthcare reform plan. In its acceptance speech, the color brown pledged to oppose the plan by uniting other colors in the light spectrum beginning with red, white, and eventually persuading the elusive blue.

Detroit Airline Terrorism Plotter Was Dinner Guest in Bush White House

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Hesaid Hewas A-Girl, one of the four gender uncertain plotters who attempted to blow a Northwest Airlines jet captain over Detroit on Christmas Day, was released from his job selling escalator shoes to Congressmen afraid to step into elevator shoes in November of 2007.

The Bush administration sent Hewas A-girl to be home schooled by Miss Minny Lee Dupree, a licensed person, at her mobile home park in St. Lake City, Utah. A-girl excelled at chewing newspaper for art class and was named "most likely to keep some of his teeth".

U.S. officials and al Qaeda propaganda tapes say that A-girl has since become the senior manager of the annual Toledo Yawning Festival.

Senator Robert Byrd Hanging In There

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Senator Robert Bryd of West Virgina was found strapped in a wheelchair and hanging from a highway billboard outside of Plains Georgia this morning. Byrd wore a sign that read, "Fly me to the moon and I will be forever voting on the health care plan."

Byrd, a U.S. Senator for 50 years, was hanging in front of another sign that read, "Plains, Georgia. Not the Home of Barack Obama."

The Secret Service lowered the 92-year-old senator from a height of thirty feet. He is recovering with a bowl of cream of wheat and warm water at his seat in the northern wing of the Capital. The Senator believed he had been on a flight to Miami.

Obama First Human to Break Moore's Law

Click on Graph above.
By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

For over forty years, scientists have more or less relied on a prediction made by Gordon Moore, Intel co-founder. The concept, known as Moore's Law, predicted that computers would double in speed about every two years. But, new research shows that it is sure to be broken--by a human being.

In human terms, Moore's Law depends on brain power as measured by IQ, compassion, literacy, and competence, together called "mind", getting consistently more powerful. The law has been hypothetical, but according to new data, President Barack Obama's mind has exceeded a theoretical "mental limit".

According to physicist Max A. Celeration, "Obama's mind will reach the limit of human mind expansion sometime in the year 2016." Obama's mental capabilities will set a barrier for ordinary geniuses, much like the speed of light, an absolute. Physicists will have to measure the President's Ba-rocket, as it's being called, against a 186,000 miles-per-second reference standard. "It doesn't depend on the physiology of the brain or how it's nurtured," Celeration said "This phenomenon is an anomaly to all laws of nature and can change the course of human history."

Dr. Celeration is expected to submit a paper to Science magazine validating the new phenomenon known in mathematical terms as O = BTc2, or Obama = Barack Think-speed of light-squared.

Loretta Young

By Unknown Staff Writer, D Pressing News

The "real news" has been so "depressing" that our senior staff writer has taken temporary leave and immersed himself in his childhood memories. The staff at D Pressing News cannot stop DP Fleming from watching the video below repeatedly while foaming at the mouth, drooling, and mumbling something about Howdy Doody. Apparently, Ms. Young was the writer's first childhood sweetheart. The first woman, besides his mother, with whom he fell in love. He's been able to communicate, with the use of a hand puppet, that he'll be back before the holidays are over, or until he finds a similar tribute to Brigitte Bardot.

Wacky Wavey Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man

Direct from Al Harrington's Emporium and Warehouse in Wikipaw comes Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man. Press the button under the black video screen to the most incredible piece of video mastery this year. WWIAFTM is a tribute to Family Guy.