The Girl Who Played with Fire

The Girl Who Played with Fire is a mega best seller novel written by Stieg Larsson. My book The Girl Who Had No Enemies: and the MaN WhO HaTeD WoMeN is a true crime memoir.

D Pressing News Staff Members Publish Controversial Literary Works

By Andy Ashling--D Pressing News Staff Reporter



Our CEO and Chief Editor, Dennis Fleming, has just published a paperback book (Feb 10, 2012) for one of our most talented "behind the scenes" writers here at the DPN, Dennis Patrick Fleming. The book, The Girl Who Had No Enemies (and the MaN WhO HaTeD WoMen) is a what we're calling here a literary true crime memoir thriller.

This generous man, Mr. Fleming, has also edited my new serial memoir The Sex Life of Andy Ashling and the first two episodes (clean & dirty) and (the police chief daughter's a liar) are already available in Kindle e-books. Dennis is a great editor, easy to work with, but demanding of high literary standards. He's making me a better writer.

You see, we here at the D Press think we can ride the wave of the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo books and films, including the U.S. remake of the Swedish (near) masterpiece. And as for my book, I mean sexual curiosity, sexual play, masturbation, sex with women, more sex and some liberally added sex will sell too.

We never said we were perfect. Just look at our banner.

Zwearickian Art at SO HOT Gallery Mind Blowing

By Andy Ashling, D Pressing News Special Reporter

(Special announcement: Wednesday September 5, the Kindle version of the book "The Girl Who Had No Enemies: and the Man Who Hated Women", by Dennis Fleming will be available for free at Amazon.com.) IN ORDER TO AVOID STEALING ALL OF THE ATTENTION away from Arty Zweary’s SURE...RICK'S LOOPED show, I attended its opening night at the SO HOT Gallery posing as an out-of-costume mime.

Zweary himself greeted me as I tried to slip in unnoticed. He was decked out head-to-toe in black. He even wore black-rimmed glasses, which prompted me to want to ask him if he wore the glasses when he shoots his videos. But a perceptive question like that could blow my cover, and tip him off that I was a reporter.

We in the press are getting fed up with all the ass kissing we must endure at these types of events. It's especially bad, when they learn I'm from one of the most unimportant news sources in the nation, the D Pressing News. Besides, Zweary was being so gracious to everyone, I didn't want to see him crawl for a five-star review. Not that he would...but don't they all?

The gallery presentation was not difficult to navigate, as some. I caught on real quick to the basic idea, which is to walk in and look at stuff.

They were offering beer and wine, and it was a pity I can't mix alcohol with the brain stabilizing medications already fighting each other in my bloodstream. A guy near the bar was rearranging pieces of candy cane in his stringy beard, like a cross-eyed monkey playing with its body lice. He caught me staring at him, and felt compelled to tell me the art on exhibit was "Zwearickian.”

How was I supposed to deal with that information? The bearded guy asked me if I could “see the face of Dali” in his whiskers. I decided to drink heavily, act as if I majored in Zwearickian art, and hope I didn't run into anyone who actually did.

On to the art!

The exhibit features what appear to be three flat, abstract paintings in which the images move! Some of it is from a foreign country, a place noted for manufacturing neckties, but I don't think it was Italy.

There is a humongous morphing rectangle titled “PANSY i AM” (more on that later) projected onto a white wall, and a couple smaller rectangles on High Def screens set upon white pedestals that you have to walk across the room to see. But, here's the thing, you think there's only one of them. You walk over to it, and when you get there a few sidesteps to the right take you to the other one.

There's a window behind the second High Def screen. I thought it was a third video screen, and watched it for about twenty minutes, until an attractive woman—she had a tattoo of President Nixon and Henry Kissinger kneeling in prayer on her left shoulder—set her beer on the window's ledge. Glad she distracted me, though. I was about to suggest that gallery management adjustment the dpi on a window! (I would have made a fool of myself.)

There are also dozens of smaller squares placed at various locations on all the walls. The images on these squares don't move, and they look a lot like they came from the abstract video stuff. I’d bet on it.

The humongous rectangle of moving images titled “PANSY i AM”, didn't make sense to me because, though many of the images where sort of flowery—some things also looked like beads—nothing about it made me think of violets. I overheard someone say a person named Norm videotaped the contents of six long-handled Siamese pans.

If you were like me, you'd be thinking “moo shu pork?” But you'd be wrong. They were cooking some Gaston-omical substance a man named Bruce assembled from glass fragments with a tong (misspelled Fong in the handout) in Vietnam (another typo in the brochure: they misspelled the country's abbreviation, Naam instead of Nam). Frankly, Zweary deserved a higher level of attention to the promotional material for his show. Spell check won't catch everything.

Zweary used Norm's images to make six different ties that he looped together, which, to my disappointment, were not on display. But I understood why. Only one patron in the crowd was wearing a tie, and it had a fish painted on it. Ties must not be fashionable now. (I mean, who wears ties anymore?--and with a fish.)

PANSY had a soundtrack that I couldn't hear clearly over the noisy crowd, but from the sound of all the glasses clanging, I'd say they recorded live at a party where they cooked the glass Bruce stirred with his tong.

Remember that first, smaller rectangle I mentioned? The one on a pedestal you walk to before you realize there's another one a few sidesteps away? It's called DEAD LINE, and it's a mind blower. The artist found a foot and reattached it to somebody. He admits it made the person “dramatically deformed,” but it still works as well as the day he found it. (You have to wonder. It had to be fresh when he found it.) But it fooled me because it didn't look anything like a foot, especially one that was still alive. I think the artist used all the blood to disguise it. It looked more like what the video title suggested it was, a DEAD LINE. Brilliant!

The square pictures on the wall next to DEAD LINE looked like shots from the operating room where the foot was re-attached. If you didn't know about the foot, you'd never guess they were medically related pictures. That sidestep to the right to get to the next video is almost automatic after a few unsettling moments with DEAD (foot) LINE.

The next piece is ambiguously named, ALL ABOUT SHELL TOURS. If they had mounted it on the ceiling and you were to lie on the floor and stare up at it, you'd think an old city is falling from the sky. Hell, man, you'd say, let’s get out of here and take a shell tour! I'm sure there were logistical impediments that prevented them from presenting the work that way. In fact, I overheard Zweary say the work was being “re-presented”. So, it might have been up there at first, and maybe the monitor kept falling down.

Zweary constructed ALL ABOUT SHELL TOURS from outtakes he found from the recently released Spielberg blockbuster film, SUPER 8. The video is an experiment in altering time to achieve depth, and it succeeds, perhaps even more than the artist intended. After about a minute watching this video, I felt like I was being sucker-punched by one of those boxing gloves on an extender that pops out and BAM! smacks you in the face. It was intense. But I readily admit that it was my favorite piece of art, despite the additional expense for the Ibuprofen I was eating for days later.

On the wall opposite ALL ABOUT SHELL TOURS, were nine of those smaller square pictures, and they remarkably reproduced what the video looks like inside your head after a few minutes of letting those pictures punch your frontal lobe. A lot of color explosions and swirly images that recall the circle of stars around a cartoon character's head after it's been zonked with a hammer. This is no small achievement.

Again, the artist demonstrates a mastery of representing in static what he achieves dynamically in the video. Let's face it, the guy's pretty smart. It’s been days, and I’m still trying to guess what “all about shell tours” is. I could Google it, but that’d take the fun out of it. Maybe it’s a day trip to one of the nation's coasts.

I would have liked to stay at the SURE...RICK'S LOOPED show longer, but I had to begin preparing for my next therapy session, and I only had twenty hours to wash my drool bucket.

I never found out who the hell Rick is, and why it's supposed to be obvious that he's drunk. I mean, wouldn't you have to know the guy to know he always gets hammered?

But I plan to return because the show is running from 11-4 pm from Jan. 6 through Jan. 19, Tuesdays through Saturdays, and with the artist from 6-9 pm during the first week of the show.

They're also doing a special screening of more Zwearikian (there's that word again) videos Thursday night (1-12-12) at 7 pm, free and open to the public. I plan to attend, if my psychiatrist permits me.

U.S. to Question Living Dead

By D Pressing News Ace Reporter, Andy Ashling.

"Pakistan may let U.S. investigators question the three individuals claiming to be wives of Osama bin Laden," said a U.S. official.

"This is a highly sensitive matter," said an official close to the investigation. "These are not what we normally think of as 'women'. Think about it."

Interviewing the so called Brides of bin-Ladenstein, or Womenoids, could begin to stabilize relations between the U.S. and Pakistan, relations that have been strained by the two kill shots the al Qaeda leader recently decided to accept from his Seal Team VI escort.

A Pakistani government official denied giving the U.S. permission to uncouple electrodes from the necks of the wives, saying local investigators had yet to figure out what, "...this strange and perplexing thing you call electricity" is.

"It's too early to even think about it," said the official, referring to the U.S. request to allow their top investigator, Igor Dowager (a.k.a. What Hump?), to question the Womenoids.

Pakistan says the three wives, one from Yemen, one from Saudi Arabia, and one from Beverly Hills, California, and several organic substances thought to be their offspring, will be repatriated.

Pakistan was making contacts with their countries. So far the only response has been from Legal Zoom's attempts to provide counsel for the California bride in her alleged suit against eHarmony.

Andy Ashling Takes The Helm at D Pressing News

Writer Andy Ashling (The Sex Life of Andy Ashling coming soon) has taken over as Editor of the D Pressing News. He's always been running it anyway. Andy's been behind the scenes from the zine's inception and it's about time he was recognized for the outstanding quality and intense insanity of his work. We have no pictures of Andy to post. Rest assured in the comfort of knowing that you are being spared a minor trauma. Andy is not what you'd call a classic looker. But, not to disappoint you, here's a picture and Andy suggested because, as he said, people need an image. It's one of Andy's favorites, a Hans Bellmer.



(Psst! We tried to stop Andy because this picture really borders on the obscene, but we're satisfied that it's the only pic from Andy's personal Bellmer collection he said he'd ever share, and that's good because Bellmer's stuff really goes out there. This one is tame, trust us. Now, be quiet about it and please don't tell Andy we felt that way. BTW, he'll never see this because he doesn't look at this blog once he's approved the articles for publication, so we just do what we want anyway. He thought the article about Rangel was about Nixon. What a dolt!)

Democrat Rangel Guilty of Poor Story Pitch

By DP Fleming, Senior Staff Writer

Charles Rangel, one of the House's most powerful members, was found guilty of breaking the 12 commandments for screenwriting his Congressional film, FULL JACKET POCKETS. The 12 Commandments are:

1. The truth, if critical to the story, will always be in the subtext of your principle character's dialogue
2. Each scene will leave unanswered questions and will indicate they will be answered in a following scene
3. Unanswered questions from an earlier scene will never be fully answered, but will leave the audience believing they understand the narrative
4. Neither the antagonist or protagonist will reveal where he or she really gets his or her campaign contributions
5. None of the main characters who are Democrats will appear on Fox (MSNBC if they are Republicans)
6. The plot point that ends act one will reverse the fortunes of the party in power and the plot point ending act two will impart an impending dread until the climax
7. All main and secondary characters will kiss ugly babies regardless of who hands them one
8. The protagonist will eat nothing costing more than a bar hamburger, fries and a beer if they are on camera during a campaign in the film
9. Dramatic irony will result from all characters who are politicians acting like they are not a part of Washington even though they were sent there to work
10. No member of the three branches of government will ever claim they are making enough money to be in that top 5% threatened by suspension of the Bush tax cuts
11. Protagonists and Antagonists will each use the phrase, "What the American people want is..." at least once in each act and pretend they really know what they are talking about
12. If any of the main characters comes within at least 2000 miles of Iraq or Afghanistan, they can claim they've been there and know what's going on

The eight lawmakers on the subcommittee reached a unanimous verdict on all counts except # 7. "Rangel refused to kiss Sarah Palin's granddaughter," claimed one subcommittee member.

Rangel requested a delay in order to do a rewrite and pitch the story again, because he did not have his story line finished.

Rangel whined and complained about changes in dialogue that he thought weakened character arcs. He said he hopes the full Committee takes into account the power of his screenplay's inciting incident 3 pages in.

Rangel walked out of the trial when his denouement was rejected saying he would seek final cut and a distribution deal.

Meat Party Candidate Singer Pat Boon Launches Mail Order Meat-Like Food Business

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Staff Writer

If you like steak but wish it were cheap and conservative, then Meat Partier and 1950s singer Pat Boon has a line of mail order meat food byproducts for you.

Boon, who launched the Beverly Hills Meat Party in November 2010, is taking his brand of Christian/Capitalist/Music Business/Acting/Tele-NeoConservatism to pretty much predictable places.

The D Pressing News reports that Boon partnered with Texas tycoon, B.J. "Billy Bob" Brahmabull-Ranchetto to launch "Pat Boon All-American Meat Food Byproducts," with the motto "if you pray, this almost tastes like meat!"

The site offers 25% all-American meat food byproducts of Filet McLigament, Ribeyeganglia Steakoids, New Jersey Stripper Pole Organ Residue, Topless Girloin, and T-T Boner and Whorehouse Butt. Prices range from $399 for three 8 oz. Topless Girloins to $899 for two 6 oz. Filet McLigaments, $799 for two 18 oz. T-T Boners, and more.

According to the site, 95% of the proceeds will go to Christian/Capitalist/Music Business/Acting/TeleNeoConservatist organizations that "do the right things needed in today's liberal, pagan, homoerotic, bestiality-infected, and just damned society."

The remaining royalties will go to Exquisitely Corpsed, a group that Boon started with the dead parents of child television actors" and "expects to appeal to nobody except women over 90."

You also have the option of joining the site's "Pat Boon All-American Potted Meat Food Spam and See Food Brigade" community, because "if you love a great-tasting tendon, lipid, and cow sphincter hot from the can, you're not alone. You're part of an extended community of mashed and chunked meat food byproduct lovers."

"I've been known as the Vanilla Man Milking Mankind for Money and a closeted homosexual for fifty years," Boon said. "Now, I'll probably be known as the Meat Food E. coli Buy Product Mass Milking Homophobe."