Goldman Sucks Announces "Surprise" Profits and New Bonuses

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

U.S. bank, Goldman Sucks surprised the House and Senate by posting third-quarter profits more than triple those in the same period last year.

G.S.A. received billions of dollars in government aid, and made a three-month profit of what they refer to as, a measly $3.03 billion. "That's chicken feed," said Mr. Goldman.

G.S.A. is pleased to announce they are setting aside $5.35 billion for embarrassingly small bonuses for their senior officers. In an official statement, Mr. Goldman complained that "...the little people are upset that companies are handing out bonuses during such a delicate economical period. I don't get it. They act like we owe them something!"

Conservatives Remove Jesus From Bible

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

People at Conserva-pedia, a conservative Wikipedia-like website, are stripping the Christian Bible of its liberal bias by removing all evidence of Jesus the Christ and rewriting it from a neo-conservative or "right-thinking" perspective.

For example, Conserva-pedia feels that the famous passage, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do," uttered as Jesus was supposedly being crucified, is a passage beloved by liberals that has no place in a proper conservative Bible. According to Conserva-pedia the passage is rightfully attributed to Mark Johnson, CEO of Rolling Rock Funeral services during a deep recession in Jerusalem in 30 A.D. The corrected quote will read, "The Democratic health-care plan incorporates death panels. These murder squads, designed to kill grandma, are aimed at preserving Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama's Socialist agenda for world domination, in order to discriminate against white people and housewives."

The Conservative version of the Bible will also omit Jesus' mother, Mary, for a family unfriendly pregnancy. Jesus' earthly stepfather, Joseph, will be deleted for fornication out of wedlock.

"A man named Jesus claiming to be the "Messiah" was, in fact, a Socialist," said a representative of Conserva-pedia. The organization claims the real Messiah is an ancestor of an as-yet-to-be-revealed talk radio and TV commentator.

Nation's Father: Birth Certificate Fake

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Yesterday, Mr. Paper Machete, an expert in document forensics, filed a report that President George Washington's birth certificate known as a "Certificate That Verifies That This Man Was Born to be King of America" is fake. The document has been claimed to be authentic for over 200 years. Machete concluded that the nation's first president's certificate "has a photo".

The report was published in the Manangahela Wingnut, a magazine with idiotic cartoons that interfere with the text which is published in hieroglyphics.

The purported birth certificate was discovered by a Senator Mitch McConnell during a search for his ethics. The senator has been without ethical standards for years and in desperation began rooting behind White House bookshelves.

Since President Washington could not prove he was a natural born US citizen, he would not be eligible to be president.

McConnell called for a special prosecutor and session of Congress to address how the United States of America could be started over. The first witness to be called will be President Washington.

Neo Conservatives Flunk Obama's Address to School Kids

PHOTO: Unidentified Mind Melder with President. Notice weapons disguised as books on shelves

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

President Obama's coming address to school children has been interpreted by most intelligent earthlings as follows: the president will ask children to stay in school and study and he will encourage them that anything they want to attain in life is possible.

However, validating the twenty-year trend that the political right is becoming primarily white, racist, paranoid and stupid, many who are educators, politicians, and parents have viewed an advance draft of the presidents address to grade schoolers and are interpreting it as follows:

Previous presidents have spoken to school children teaching them important things like urging them to keeps their seats in class and on buses, refrain from blaming each other for farting, and stop flicking boogers at Tara Ecklecamp.

President Obama, America's first racial president, intends to ask school children to stockpile plenty of ammo for their AK-47 assault weapons.

The White House has stated that the president intends to create an army of elementary school children to carry out his plan to storm neighborhoods across the country and destroy privately owned swing sets and jungle gyms. The master plan for this strategy is known to insiders as Obama's Brilliant Exceptional Youth Model Emotional Optimization Re-education Indoctrination Engineering, aka OBEYMEORDIE.

The program will force unsuspecting children into state run Gitmo-like "right-education play areas" where they will wear black hoods and be forced to undergo rubber band snaps to their hind ends, be threatened by pull-string talking Barneys, and acquire boo boos from splinters when sliding down wooden water slides.

GOP Suggests Democratic Party's Health Care Bill Could Deny Health Care to Republicans

Source: news.yahoo.com
by Ben Reilly

The Republican National Committee has mailed a fund raising appeal signed by RNC Chairman Michael Steele in which it is suggested that under the Democratic health care reform bill, Republicans could be discriminated against for medical treatment.

A questionnaire in the mailing says the government could check voter registration cards, "prompting fears that GOP voters might be discriminated against for medical treatment in a Democrat-imposed health care rationing system."

The questionnaire then asks, "Does this possibility concern you?" An RNC spokeswoman said that the question was "inartfully worded" but said that "the RNC doesn't try to scare people. We're just trying to get the facts out on health care."

Obama's Approval Increases as Support for 'Public Executions' Grows

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

According to the latest pole taken by D Pressing News, support for the death panel component of President Obama's health care reform proposal has increased to a whopping 82%.

However, that is provided those coming before the panels consist of individuals caught on camera yelling and screaming at recent local town hall meetings.

Elderly senior citizens, also known as, Grandpaws and Grandmaws will be the first executed.

As a cost-saving measure, weapons confiscated from individuals attending town hall meetings will be used to mow down Grandpaw and Grandma in middle school yards across the nation.

Sarah Palin Gets 20 Cows, 40 Goats, Dogsled

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

President Obama's aids are under control. They and fellow Democrats say that protests at town hall meetings are orchestrated by groups riding cows and goats provided by the health insurance industry's pro condom republican advocacy group (CRAP), the Republican Party's Milking the Middle Class, and a coalition of right-wing talk show hosts called whimper formed to improve their program ratings.

Obama said that the rumors include such bizarre ideas as one "that will promote euthanasia when in fact the program, Youth and Asia, is designed to improve math at the middle school level. Other rumors include a cut in Medicaid, which is actually designed to provide free medical Bandaids for the poor.

The biggest rumor yet, say Obama aids, is a government takeover of health care. This program to find healthy individuals to care about the government is nothing new and has been brought before Congress in various bills--beginning with Gov 101: Care About Uncle Sam?--since WWII.

In related news from our WGAF files, Sarah Palin's lawyer said she will be divorcing her husband Todd.