Majority of Republicans: Obama is an Evil "That Which Cannot be Named"

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Yesterday's national Louis Harris poll finds that a majority of Republicans believe that President Obama had been hiding in Osama bin-Laden's beard since 2001, while 45 percent agree with the so-called "Birthday-smirthdayers" that the president is an evil "That Which Cannot be Named".

The poll shows how successful Obama's opponents have been in demonstrating their supporters' lack of intelligence.

According to the poll, 87 percent of Republicans believe that Barack Obama is a girl despite Obama's description of himself in his bestseller, "The Audacity of Hope", as a boy who grew up to be a man.

The poll found that 45 percent of Republicans, and 25 percent of overall Simeons, agree with the Birthday-smirthdayers that a "That Which Cannot be Named" is not eligible to be president."

Another eye-opening finding: 38 percent of Republicans agree that Obama is "doing many things Jesus did, but because he (Obama) is a 'That Which Cannot be Named' those good things become bad things."

And 24 percent of Republicans agree that Obama may be the antiChrist's brother "the antiFreeze" from the infamous Hellfinallyfrozeover.

The poll found that voters lacking a college education are much more likely to believe the 44th president is made of Fairy Dust and Superglue.

Texas Rep. Blasphemes Comedian 93

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-TX) came forward today and admitted yelling during the House debate on the health care bill last night.

In his CYA statement, Neugeubauer said that he meant to refer to Rep. Bart Stupak, D-Mich. as "a Phyllis Diller".

Neugebauer apologized to Mr. Stupak saying,"Last night in the heat and emotion of the debate, I called you a Phyllis Diller in reference to your attitude toward unborn children and its similarity to the freaky comedian's views on children and health care in general. I deeply regret that my actions were mistakenly interpreted as a direct reference to your disturbing and eerie physical resemblance to the aging comic."

D Pressing News has obtained a "House Strategy" document Rep. Neugebauer was reading at the time he yelled at Rep. Stupak. The comments, attributed to the comedian in question, were to be attributed to Mr. Stupak.

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Rep. Neugebauer's office issued a statement this morning claiming that the congressman will stick to more appropriate Larry the Cable Guy fart jokes in the future.

Rush and Massa Dive

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

After praising the effects of the deep exploratory Massa massages he received during a recent visit to Washington DC, radio commentator Rush Limbaugh, a conservative icon, said that if ex-Representative Eric Massa wants to throw on scuba gear and "go deeper" he's more than ready."

As it turns out, Mr. Massa has quit practicing that technique as well as his famous "snorkel and tickle" method of physical therapy in favor of a new two-man diving ball approach he will begin practicing this spring.

Mr. Limbaugh bought an advanced first-class ticket for an exclusive "cockpit seat" on the maiden voyage of the Massa's U.S.S. Sitzbath. First trip: Costa Rica.

Barney Fwank: Pawtisanship is Out of Contwol

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

"In Congwess," says Massachusetts Rep. Barney Fwank, a Democrat, "as da pwimary ewections appwoach, da Democwats and Wepubwicans awe spwitting fawder apawt."

Congressman Fwank made the statements at a book-signing for his biography, Bawney Fwank: Da Stowy of Amewica's Only Weft-Handed, Qweer, Jewish Pwince (Hawd Hawdcova). "People talk wit each udda and agwee with each udder, but don't know why day agwee," said Fwank.

Fwank wants to change the Senate filibuster rules, and call them "fiwibusta wules". He said that he feels the House lost its way when he and Newt Gingrich broke up. "He scwewed da pooch and I was angwee wit him," said the senator. "I might just weave."

Color Wins in Massachusetts

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

The fundamental color brown has won the Massachusetts special election for the Senate Seat formerly held by the late Ted Kennedy. The famous color, a well-known part of each American child's early education and mastered by most by Kindergarten, gained 52% of the vote, beating Democratic candidate Martha Coakley, a human being.

The win surprised many, as Massachusetts has long been considered a Democratic party stronghold for humans. The color brown was assisted by the number 41 and it´s gradual gains in preliminary polls led President Obama and Bill Clinton to make personal appearances in support of the homo sapien Coakley.

Because the democratic party lost the Massachusetts seat, they lose the super majority in the Senate, threatening the administration´s Healthcare reform plan. In its acceptance speech, the color brown pledged to oppose the plan by uniting other colors in the light spectrum beginning with red, white, and eventually persuading the elusive blue.

Detroit Airline Terrorism Plotter Was Dinner Guest in Bush White House

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Hesaid Hewas A-Girl, one of the four gender uncertain plotters who attempted to blow a Northwest Airlines jet captain over Detroit on Christmas Day, was released from his job selling escalator shoes to Congressmen afraid to step into elevator shoes in November of 2007.

The Bush administration sent Hewas A-girl to be home schooled by Miss Minny Lee Dupree, a licensed person, at her mobile home park in St. Lake City, Utah. A-girl excelled at chewing newspaper for art class and was named "most likely to keep some of his teeth".

U.S. officials and al Qaeda propaganda tapes say that A-girl has since become the senior manager of the annual Toledo Yawning Festival.

Senator Robert Byrd Hanging In There

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Senator Robert Bryd of West Virgina was found strapped in a wheelchair and hanging from a highway billboard outside of Plains Georgia this morning. Byrd wore a sign that read, "Fly me to the moon and I will be forever voting on the health care plan."

Byrd, a U.S. Senator for 50 years, was hanging in front of another sign that read, "Plains, Georgia. Not the Home of Barack Obama."

The Secret Service lowered the 92-year-old senator from a height of thirty feet. He is recovering with a bowl of cream of wheat and warm water at his seat in the northern wing of the Capital. The Senator believed he had been on a flight to Miami.