Bush Medal of Freedom “Not Funny”

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Several leading logic organizations claimed that the decision by the Bush Administration to posthumously award the medal of freedom to deceased comedian Rodney Dangerfield is an affront to organizations dedicated to logic throughout the world.

A statement by the groups says “The comedian's humor, which includes such jokes as, 'I get no respect. My wife likes to talk during sex so she called me from a motel.' and 'My wife cut me down to once a month, but I don't care, she cut everybody else out completely.' are violations in logic and turn a blind eye to the freedom of millions of people who don't find the jokes funny,”.

In a drunken stupor, President Bush gave his reasons to award the honor. "Rodney gave me insight. For instance, Laura and I were happy for twenty years, then we met. I phoned her this morning and asked her if she remembered what I told her while we were making love last night and she said 'who is this?'."

In a meeting yesterday with Colombian President Alvaro Uribe, President Bush spit beer on Uribe's belly button when Bush pulled his pants off the Colombian chief executive's head. "He got all mad, so I said let's kiss and make up. He said okay and bent over. Hilarious," said the President.

Special D Pressing News Announcement

By DP Fleming, Senior Staff Writer, D Pressing News

Due to the current economic downturn, the D Pressing News is forced to make some cutbacks, or as we like to say--we're right-sizing. Rather than diminish the quality of this vital source of insane news, we are scaling back. However, there is a silver lining in this reorganization move.

From this date forward, we are eliminating all of our Staff Writers. That's the downer. The good news is the organization is promoting Staff Writer DP Fleming to Senior Staff Writer.

We here at D Pressing News are honored and privileged to promote a journalist who has shown time and time again a devotion, a diligence, and a depth of perspicacity for seeing beyond the layers of evidence, facts, and their corresponding truths and into the pure insanity of these critical life-altering events.

Congratulations DP from all of us at the "News". For your continued dedication, we present you with this valuable, stressed antique deletion device to cherish and pass on to your children and grandchildren for many years to come.

Continued good luck.

Sincerely,

DP Fleming

D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Palin Angry About Meanies

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

During an interview with conservative eight-year-old Josh Breugenglochester, a 6th level World-of-War Craft Gnome, satirist and former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin complained that News anchor Katie Couric and actress Tina Fey have been mean to her.

Tina Fey's famous impersonations of Ms. Palin made the governor look like Sarah Palin. And, during an interview with Katie Couric early in Mrs. Palin's campaign, the governor was caught off guard, spelled her own name Sahara Pthailin, and could not recall the state capitol of Alaska.

Mrs. Palin stuck out her tongue and went rogue, making statements about how the press treats Caroline Kennedy in her run for the Senate.

"She's like treated like a Kennedy, like she's so smart and like special or something. I don't like that kind of thing," said the Governor.

Sitting on the floor and slapping her thighs, Palin pooped and cried, "I'm treated more like a McCainedy and that's the old fart's fault." The governor had her diaper changed and was put to bed with no dinner.

Illinois House Votes To Execute Blagojevich With Near-Unanimous Vote

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

The Illinois House of Representatives voted to execute Gov. Rod Blagojevich. He will first be "softened" at a street carnival. Outraged citizens wishing to "pay and play" can purchase hackie sacks; then throw them at the governor until he cries.

Blagojevich, known to his friends as "an arrogant dick", has been accused of trying to sell the ultra-plush cushion that had been glued on Barack Obama's U.S. Senate seat to an Indian telemarketer named Patel.

The vote was 114-1. The single vote against the measure was registered by the House's mascot, Thowshitachew, an eleven-year-old foul-mouthed baboon and first cousin to the governor's wife. The governor has been Throwshitachew's limo driver as part of a therapy program to rectify anomalies in his sublimated ego.

In what some are calling a cruel joke, the impeachment document is to be stuffed into an empty toilet paper role, wrapped in a banana peal, and delivered by burro to the state Senate where it is expected to produce laughs at the Senate water cooler for decades.

A two-thirds Senate majority will be needed to convict and remove Blagojevich from his jogging sweats. To complete the execution, the governor will be sent on a hunting trip with Vice President Dick Cheney. Blagojevich will be replaced by a toupee, Dick Chaney's pacemaker, and a drum of styling gel.

Obama Limo Solid As Barack

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

The Secret Service is near completion on president-elect Obama's presidential vehicle, the Barackatank. A tricked out Cadillac, the "iron on wheels" has been called a 'a hunk of damn iron on wheels' as well as 'mostly iron, part wheels, part hunk'.

The massive motorcar has 3-ft. thick doors and missile-proof Plexiglas. Given it's extra armor and weight, it will be less maneuverable than a Grand piano and slower than a motorless hot dog cart.

Following the assassination of John F. Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson began the tradition of riding in bulletproof limos with his Ford Fairlane, the Nervous Nelly.

Previous limos were designed to hall ass and protect the President. The Barackatank is designed to withstand a prolonged nuclear attack, scores of scud missiles, rocks, and mud slung from the extreme right.

Obama Team May Redesign Space Shuttles

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

The incoming Obama administration may scrap the replacement for the aging Space Shuttle. The Ares program may be set aside in favor of using mammoth helium balloons and giant slingshots to loft payloads into space.

These redesigned launching vehicles would make cheap replacements and save billions of dollars while still allowing manned flight capabilities," said Bling Gordon, the 6th man on the moon and first man on the moon with a toupee.

Properly fitted Flingonaughts and Spalloonmen would safely carry out the mission to reach: "...if not space, at least into the clouds," added the space flight veteran.

The last Space Shuttle flight is scheduled for 2009 when gasoline is expected to reach 8.99 per gallon. NASA had plans for permanent Moon based porta-potties by 2015 and a manned Mars mission to establish a McDonald's was to follow.

Richardson Withdraws, Cites Necessary Alien Inquiry

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

Bill Richardson withdrew his bid to become commerce secretary because of an anal probe he received during a brief, yet close encounter on his way to Santa Fe last summer. Sources say Richardson is concerned he will be found insane and does not wish to embarrass president-elect Obama.

According to an unknown source claiming to be human, D Pressing News has learned that a New Mexico airport won a contract for a landing strip worth 15 million dollars.

Aides from both camps tell reporters that Richardson had been planning a trip to Umf, a previously unknown planet in our solar system, for some time now. Obama did not urge Richardson to make the interplanetary trip.

A company, Interplanetary Trips Inc. or IPT, and its CEO, Mr. Zonzptznzp Erntznarz Oopzabbl Mnztqnx Zisskl Ummll Umnm Enk Nz Q Junior, contributed large sums of money to Richardson's PACS, including one donation of 0.004 Umfian iqs or $74,000.00 USD.

The contribution was several months after IPT won the interplanetary contract. Richardson is the most prominent Hispanic in the DNC and now the galaxy.