By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer
In a Christmas message broadcast on British public Channel 4 and instead of the Queen's Christmas clotted-cream message, the Iranian President claimed that Santa Claus would oppose terrorists, occupiers, and naughty children all the time.
"His problem is he is stuck way up on the north pole most of the year," said the Ahmadinejad.
The Iranian President (aka that crazy head of state with no power who talks like he's Tourette's-stupid) went on to say that Santa gave the teachings of the goat-elves to humans to keep mankind from imbibing "tea many martoonies" and engaging in horrendous acts of "fun".
"The teachings hold the answer to the question, 'What comes before birth, after birth, growth and aging, death, and after that stuff?'," said the nutjob.
"If Santa was flying all over the Earth 24/7 365, like he should, he would fight against the tyrannical policies of global economic going-out-of-business sales, especially if he wasn't imaginary," said Ahmadinejad.