Tubes of Fake Personality Recalled

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Reporter

Retail giants Macy's and Neiman Marcus have announced a massive recall of SOCOOLIRULE, a fake personality product. The two stores have contacted both customers, Brandon and Gale, to let them know, and posted notices in all storefront windows to stay away from these guys.

SOCOOLIRULE was sold in 2008 as a product for dweebs and dorks. A spokesman for Neiman Marcus claims the product even works for a-holes.

"That sucks ass," said Brandon, when learning about the recall. "I'm a 75th level gnome," said Gale.

The product is supposed to enhance one's likeability and ward off shoves and razzies while giving the user confidence. Macy's says there is no harm in the fake SOCOOLIRULE, however, D Pressing News has since learned that items sold in the US last year were contaminated with a chemical found in doorstops that makes them brown.

Ahmadinejad's X-mas Message: Santa Opposes Warmongers, School-yard Bullies

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

In a Christmas message broadcast on British public Channel 4 and instead of the Queen's Christmas clotted-cream message, the Iranian President claimed that Santa Claus would oppose terrorists, occupiers, and naughty children all the time.

"His problem is he is stuck way up on the north pole most of the year," said the Ahmadinejad.

The Iranian President (aka that crazy head of state with no power who talks like he's Tourette's-stupid) went on to say that Santa gave the teachings of the goat-elves to humans to keep mankind from imbibing "tea many martoonies" and engaging in horrendous acts of "fun".

"The teachings hold the answer to the question, 'What comes before birth, after birth, growth and aging, death, and after that stuff?'," said the nutjob.

"If Santa was flying all over the Earth 24/7 365, like he should, he would fight against the tyrannical policies of global economic going-out-of-business sales, especially if he wasn't imaginary," said Ahmadinejad.

Bush Pardons Self After Belch Then Revokes Pardon After Toot.

Christmas Day, 2008
By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

George W. Bush belched during his Christmas dinner and pardoned himself. The President reversed his decision when leaks to the media led to widespread reports that he had issued a presidential toot immediately following the table-manner faux pas.

According to White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, Mrs. Bush served Texas style portions of longhorn strip steaks and baked potatoes with sour cream, which the President "wolfed down.” The food was not vetted by the Justice Department.

"Not sure, but I think it was the sour cream and beer," said the President.

Earlier this year, the President offered a donation of $150,000 to the NIH to study the effectiveness of an ancient Hindu dietary strategy for combating digestive problems, a method referred to in the Middle East as Uhafgoatwosqueezeyourbuttcheekstogether andnotlettheairout, or simply "holding it in.”

The President has had a difficult time learning the technique. “It just gets worse when I eat that spicy Indian food,” said Bush.

Cheney Wants To Water Board His Vice President

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

In a Fox News interview Sunday, President Dick Cheney expressed an interest water boarding his Vice President George Bush for not capturing Osama bin Laden during the final few weeks of the Cheney administration.

President Cheney also questions whether bin Laden is still a tall man. Intelligence has indicated that by remaining so deeply hidden in a cave and surviving on bat guano and his own urine, bin Laden’s leathery skin and upturned nose may make it possible for the terrorist to move about Hollywood as an extra.

Chaney said that Vice President Bush tells him that he failed to capture the terrorist immediately after 9/11 because bin Laden used a unique and unanticipated tactic the administration referred to as “getting the f**k out of town”.

This subversive tactic has been used by al-Qaida network for years and only came to the attention of the United States after the land of the free mistakenly invaded Iraq instead of Iran.

“We got it wrong by one letter. So water-board me,” Cheney said.

Cheney Wants Bin Laden for Final Farewell

In a Fox News interview Sunday, President Dick Cheney expressed an interest water boarding his Vice President George Bush for not capturing Osama bin Laden during the final few weeks of the Cheney administration.

President Cheney also questions whether bin Laden is still a tall man. Intelligence has indicated that by remaining so deeply hidden in a cave and surviving on bat guano and his own urine, bin Laden’s leathery skin and upturned nose may make it possible for the terrorist to move about Hollywood as an extra.

Chaney said that his Vice President Bush tells him that he failed to capture the terrorist immediately after 9/11 because bin Laden used a unique and unanticipated tactic the administration referred to as “getting the f**k out of town”.

This subversive tactic has been used by al-Qaida network for years and only came to the attention of the United States after the land of the free mistakenly invaded Iraq instead of Iran.

“We got it wrong by one letter. So water-board me,” Cheney said.

Will VP Chainey Weather Prosecution Under New Administration?

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

Senator Carl Levin's hair warned current U.S. Vice President Dick's Chainey the senate may water-board him under a new administration, following statements by Mr. Chainey which Levin's comb-over claims amount to the condoning the weather.

Chainey made statements earlier this week outlawing the use of umbrellas and galoshes as prophylactics against severe weather, a technique widely used by U.S. residents residing in climates prone to "bad weather".

Levin's hair recently stated that alleged weather abuses carried out under the outgoing administration in Washington D.C. were cause for concern and "cannot simply be attributed to the actions of streams and patterns acting on their own," said the few remaining strands of hair lying across the Michigan senator's head.

Glottis Outs "That Guy"

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

An insider informant, known only as Inflamed Glottis has released documents to actor Robert Redford that a thirty-four-year-old man with no apparent connection to anyone of importance anywhere at anytime has avoided death in his home in California.

The man, secretly known as That Tall Guy, was called a Bung Weasel by trick-or-treaters and neighbors who hated him. Bung Weasel got on everybody's nerves by butting in on private conversations, continually complaining about his hair, and critiquing his own failed documentary that covered the nation's political upheaval during Presidential Nixon's abuse of power in 1974.

Bung Weasel suffered two bouts of eczema in recent years, and is also afflicted with Shitdisturber's disorder. His identity wasn't revealed until three days ago, when Weasel said simply "I'm the dude they call That Tall Guy," in an interview with a streetlamp.

That Tall Guy was widely derided by his neighbors as a buttinsky, yet lauded as a man who helped unravel corrupt supermarket coupon schemes designed to bring shoppers into the store by offering two-for-one discounts. He is currently struggling to reconcile his actions, wondering if he should keep his mouth shut and put on his pants.

One From Column A: Mysterious Tiny Watch

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

China: Archaeologists excavating a four-hundred-yard Ming dynasty noodle from a site known as the Tomb of Column A say they have discovered a wristwatch with the phrase 'They Kick Me Out of Buffet!' engraved on the back. The watch showed a time of 3:46 PM indicating the individual had been eating lunch for well over three hours.

The archaeologists are puzzled as to the origins of the timepiece as the site has been undisturbed since its creation four weeks ago.

"When we tried remove soil from around coffin, a human arm suddenry dropped out and hit ground like sack of rotten rice," said Jiang Diang Yoodle. "After removing covering soil and examining, we were shocked to see hand held pair of chopstick," said the archaeologist.

Iraqi Intellectual Hurls Soul at National Insult

By D P Fleming—D Pressing News Staff Writer

President George W. Bush's secret visit to Iraq to plant a WMD has been marred by an incident involving a journalist who took off his shoes, slathered them with goat fat, cooked them over the residual heat of a recently-detonated IED, ate the heals (a delicacy in Iraq) then threw both shoes at the president. The president ducked five times.

The man, identified later as Mohammed Donaldbai Rumsfeldikai, tossed a traditional goodbye kiss to President Bush calling him "a dog lipstick sheath" then threw the greasy shoes and shouted "FYAY GUC DAY BAH!" an ancient Arab insult that translates 'fuck you and your 'go under cover Don, and you'll be a hero' promise. Then Rumsfeldikai invited the President to join him in a lunch of poisoned goat donuts fried in tank axle grease—a secret Iraqi recipe.

Mr. Bush jokingly replied that all he could report was that, "all three shoes were a size 12 WMD".

The majority of Arabs consider the President an insult.

Reporter Buys Blackberry and Comb from McCain-Palin Campaign

By D P Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Reporter

In an attempt to make a few bucks after campaign funds drained, the McCain-Palin campaign decided to sell its most important office supplies for ten cents on the dollar. Among the items sold included four dozen #2 pencils, 5 erasers, several broken and three whole pieces of chalk, a large bag of toilet paper (unused), a box of rags, a comb, and a Blackberry phone that no one seemed to know how to operate.

The Blackberry phone contained personal data, which included more than 150 voicemails congratulating McCain for his big win, phone numbers of dead people and thousands of unanswered e-mails. A reporter who bought the phone for a dollar, called some of the numbers. Besides an angry Joe-the-Plumber, one person who answered said "I told them to sell this crap before the election when they could've gotten some real money for it."

Messages from the phone company indicated an unpaid bill of $174,000.42. It is not known if the Blackberry phone contained any important or sensitive data, because the service was canceled after the reporter made one or two calls.

Stroke Strikes King Kong-Il

By D P Fleming—D Pressing News Staff Writer

Battling a disease known as Kim Jong-illness, North Korea's tyrant King Kong Il was seen on National TV visiting chicken farmers and asking why the chicken and not the monkey crossed the road. No one has been able to successfully answer the question and retain their head.

King's French chambermaid, Mademoiselle Derriere, reported in a French newspaper that the "Zee North Korean leader stroked off but he did not undergo an operatione."

Widespread rumors last August about King Kong-Il's health featured pictures of the leader swinging beheaded chicken cadavers and dancing naked and under a waterfall of caramel while monkeys in space suits paddled two-seater boats shaped like rocking horses.

Mlle. Derriere also said, "I have zee impressione zat he tinks he eez in sharge of zome countrie called Korea." and that the monarch's mental health was improving. "He finally washed heez Georgie Bushie mittens he uzed to pleazure himzelf with."

A reporter with Le Figaro newspaper kissed Mlle Derriere's derriere but got no more information about Kong Il's illness. However, the two were recently observed strolling along the Seine laughing and defending each other's infidelities.

Joe the Plunger: Poopie

By D P Fleming—D Pressing News Staff Writer

Sam Wurztpecher, commonly known as Joe the Plunger, recently spoke with Garrand Peck, a neoconservative, radio personality disorder. Joe says while on the campaign trail he thought he was John McCain.

While on the Late Hawk Egress bus, Joe asked McCain how many zeros were in the seven billion in the $700 billion bailout plan supported by McCain. "I didn't understand the answer," said Mr. Plunger.

McCain's answers made Joe itch and want to roto root him.

Joe likes to think about Palin late at night because "she's punctual, a good listener, and doesn't stink much." He further commented that Palin "is absolutely hickory dickory dockery. She told me."

Gore Determined Not to Fall on Obama

By D P Fleming—D Pressing News Staff Writer *

President-elect Barack Obama is scheduled to discuss developing energy production from Venetian blind dust, claims made by former Vice President Al Gore on December 11. Obama was scheduled to meet with Gore and discuss the former VP's recent weight gain and its relation to a change in the Earth's rotation and its subsequent effect on world climate changes.

Obama signaled that Mr. Gore's diet will be a top priority of his administration, and Gore is expected to meet with Oprah Winfrey and non-doctor Dr. Phil for a "show and share hour" and hot tub interview and oil rubbing.

Gore's Alliance for Climate Protection, Global Cooling, Star Counting, Earth Axis Realignment, Whale Whitening, and GM's Opal tuning program or GACPGCSCEARWWGMOTP (pronounced gack-pig-kiss-kear-wawa-gimot-peh) believes the Obama administration has an opportunity to distribute metal detectors to each and every American citizen after the country essentially abandoned metal detecting under the Bush administration.

* note to readers: the D Pressing News is a clinically verified insane news reporting organization that makes this solemn oath to it readers: We will report events in a manner that we hope will induce hallucinations or seizures.

President Bush: "I Was Un-prepared for an Un-war"

By D P Fleming—D Pressing News Staff Writer

In an interview with Alphabet Soup News, President Bush said that he was unaware we went to war during his presidency.

"I saw War of the Worlds and Independence Day, Full Metal Jacket, movies like that but I didn't campaign and say, "Vote for me and I'll shoot the bad guys and tell them to bring it on. Heck, I did say that one." he chuckled.

"I thought that memo about Bin-laden attacking with high-jacked planes was Clinton tryin' to mess with my head."

Bush blamed "incorrections in the intelligences" for deciding to invade Iraq. Asked whether he would have invaded even if he'd known that Iraq did not have WMDs, he said, "That is a do-over that I can't do over. A makeover I can't make up. A half of a glass that's empty."

The President regretted he was unable to fix U.S. immigration policy, saying, "That issue demonstrated America's unique ability to debate in good conscience and accomplish, in record time, nothing at all. And I'm told we did it all while conducting the worst foreign policy debacle in the history of the country. It's the American spirit and what makes us the envy of the known worlds."

Bush Finally Says "So What" To America

By D P Fleming—D Pressing News Staff Writer

Speaking of the global financial crisis, job losses, and people's retirement funds going down the crapper, President Bush said he feels no responsibility, even though it happened on his watch.

The President thinks people will realize it's the fault of Wall Street and the Democratic Congress and not "his" fault.

On lost jobs and 401K's he said, "the American people got to know that I can't be expected to understand this whole mess in the little time I have left. I'm the decider not the fixer."

This means he will support more and more government debt and tax cuts for the wealthy. "Same strategery as Iraq, we go in and waste a load of money with no exit plan. That came out OK," he said.

The National Bureau of Economic Research reported the current recession started in January 2001 and will likely last until mid-2009 when the stink of the Bush administration finally wears off the White House furniture. The President assured the public that he will try to get the economy "economized" and then he will run for recovery.

From the D Pressing News Archive

November 13, 2008
Bush Says Markets Don’t Cost Anything. What's The Problem?
By D P Fleming—D Pressing News Staff Writer

A day before a brawl consisting of about two dozen drunken world beer-chugging oafs, President Bush drooled and said, "The fr (hic) free market, is fr (hic) free. Thatth why they (hic) call it fr (hic) free."

The President slipped on his own spittle and cracked his knee, but he defended the free market in a speech at Federal Hall in NYC. He claimed the free market is not failing amidst a global financial crisis because it is still free.

"Anybody with (hic) money can use the mark (hic) market for free. Or near (hic) nearly free," the President said before covering his mouth, coughing, and spewing suds from his nostrils.

Bush asked the leaders of "them other nations, whatever" to use "thinking" and come up with “thoughts” about reforms that won't restrict trading cards or disrupt free napkins.

Some areas of reform recommended by the House included rules for how money transactions such as stocks and bonds should actually mean something in a monetary sense.

Also suggested is the practice of a new concept some are calling "legality" or “legitimacy.” Finally, credit default swaps, aka "take-this-fiscal-turd-off-my-hands,” fraud prevention, regulation coordination, and voting power at the World Bank should not be controlled by inmates from maximum-security prisons anymore.

Bush Pardons Himself and Other Criminals
By D P Fleming—D Pressing News Staff Writer

President Bush pardoned himself and 147 convicted criminals and commuted the sentences of two hundred others as of Monday. The President normally issues reprieves to large-cash campaign contributors, big oil executives, and teens caught playing hooky from class.

All totaled, he has issued 4,171 pardons and commuted eighteen hundred sentences during his Presidency.

The crimes that President Bush pardoned vary widely from joining a union and tax evasion to using welfare to survive and food stamps to buy edible food. On a positive note, President Bush has issued just under the total number of reprieves issued by all the former two-term Presidents combined. Also, no one pardoned has been convicted of serial killing. . . yet

Palin Releases Medical Records

By D P Fleming—D Pressing News Staff Writer

Candidates Obama and Biden released their medical records some time ago, earlier into the campaign. McCain's were delivered in 37 banker's boxes to the Wall Street Journal months ago. Palin has previously regarded the offering up of such information as intrusion by "all the darn curiosity seekers" and a violation of first amendment rights.

Today, the day after the presidential election, Republican VP nominee Samuel Palin (formerly known as Sarah Palin) released a summary of her/his medical records.

In a statement to D Pressing News, Dr. Cathy Ballsdwind-Johnson wrote "Governor Palin is in excellent health for a man and has no known health problems other than a slight infection in the groin from a tick bite received while moose hunting earlier this year. Unfortunately, the tick swelled and became indistinguishable from other anatomical parts in the region. Confusion over what to excise ensued and caused a mishap that required reconstructive surgery resulting in Palin's current condition."

"However," said Ballswind-Johnson, "the change would not have interfered with Samuel Palin's ability to carry out the duties and obligation of vice president of the United States of America, although it may cause problems with discrimination when using public restrooms."